Two words for you: CAT BATHING

One of my Christmas gifts from my in-laws was a subscription to Martha Stewart Living.

I most DEFINITELY fall into the I Love Martha Stewart camp. It's not that I worship her domestic genius (she has a staff, after all – I can't really imagine what my life would look like with the added bonus of a STAFF working JUST FOR ME, but I can tell you that not only would I dress better, I would likely NEVER find myself in one of those horrible situations where there is no Diet Coke in the house) and I certainly don't find her lovable or charming, but I do love her as a character. I love when she has celebrities on her talk show: either she's talking over them and asking them questions they JUST FINISHED ANSWERING if she'd been listening or she's making it really obvious that she has no idea why the person standing next to her and measuring out a teaspoon of salt is even a celebrity, anyway. IT KILLS ME. I also love it when she does question-and-answer sessions with the audience. I assume they MUST rehearse these questions and answers before the actual taping (otherwise, I imagine some sort of incident where a wiseass gets up and asks about some stock trading tips), but most of the time, you would never know. Oh, the flubbing and the fumbling for the right words and the AWKWARDNESS. I don't know how many years Martha has been on television but she is a lost cause. It is never going to look natural for her.

I do love her magazine, though. I love the Good Things section and I love her recipes (I also have a subscription to Everyday Food and it is the sole reason I have become confident in my ability to cook, which, in turn, has meant that I have come to really enjoy cooking) and LORD ALMIGHTY, do I love the one measly page before the table of contents that is dedicated to her calendar.

You guys. The calendar. It is beyond amusing. Each day has one or two things that “Martha” plans to do either at her farm or homestead or whatever it is she calls what must be ACRES of expensive land or with friends or for work. You'll notice I used quotes around her name. This is because REALLY? I'm supposed to believe Martha herself is going to participate in each and every one of these things?

I can totally get behind January 3 (“store ornaments and other decorations; take down Christmas tree and dismantle wreaths”) and January 7 (“make space in library for recent additions, dust books along tops and spines with feather duster”) even if they do seem like a leeeetle bit of a stretch (what, no one dusts Martha's library when they clean the rest of her house?) because I am particular about some things in my own house, too, and want them done EXACTLY how I want them done, and no one else can do it right.

BUT.

I present to you, January 14: “Bathe cats.” NOW COME ON. I am supposed to believe that Martha is bathing her own cats? There is no way Martha is bathing her own cats. THERE IS JUST NO WAY.

And January 9: “Clean out closet and take care of any mending.” As Dave so kindly pointed out, I can really see Martha cozied up by a roaring fire, darning socks. I suppose by “take care” she could just mean “have it sent out”? BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THE CALENDAR SAYS. The calendar says TAKE CARE OF ANY MENDING, and the title of this page is Martha's Calendar, so I'm assuming Martha herself will be doing said taking care. But I'll bet those are cashmere socks she's darning.

Anyway. January 29: “Review tax documents.” Yes. Of course. I wholeheartedly believe Martha will be reviewing her own tax documents. I mean, she's only worth $638 MILLION DOLLARS. She's probably just planning on heading over to the nearest H&R Block.

And perhaps my favorite (oh, but I don't know, it's hard to top “Bathe cats”), January 20: “Vacuum and dust coils of refrigerator (unplug it beforehand).” I mean, this is Martha's Calendar, right? So is the advice to unplug the fridge for us? OR FOR HER? Oh, how I giggle thinking about Martha vacuuming under her fridge. Because there is no way she actually does, you know. NO WAY. I don't know why this calendar isn't called “What Martha Would Do If She Were You, and also Poor.”

I enjoy the segments on her TV show where she does workouts, too. This is mostly because she acts like she is the first person in all of history to have discovered something like a leg lift. It's awkward enough watching her on television but then I turned a few pages past the calendar in this month's Living and found a whole four-page spread devoted to Martha's fitness routine. It actually looks like an awesome fitness routine, to be honest, but it's the way the article is photographed that makes me love Martha even more than I already do.

Each photograph (and there are ELEVEN; 13 if you count the one closeup of just her hands on the treadmill and the head shot of her posing with her dog) (yes, I said posing with her dog) (YES, HEAD SHOT) shows Martha demonstrating an exercise with this big ole crazy smile on her face. Like she's modeling hand weights in a Target ad. Which is hilarious enough as it is, but the thing that gets me is that her trainer is also in each of those 11 photographs, but is apparently NOT ALLOWED TO FACE THE CAMERA, lest that take away from The Presence of Martha. Honestly, in every picture, there's Martha, facing the camera with her perfectly coiffed hair and her megawatt smile and there's her trainer, pretending the camera doesn't even exist, fawning over Martha's body positioning with her hair in her face. I guess the funniest part about it for me is that they're not even bothering to try to look like they're interacting. It is clearly a photo shoot of Martha, with a trainer and some weights as props. WHO IS SHE TRYING TO FOOL AT THIS POINT? It's just SO MARTHA. Making everything look easy. Seriously, I love that woman.

Aaaaaand so. I'm kind of out of material at this point. In conclusion, I would like to say that although I do love you, Martha Stewart, I don't love you quite enough to drag myself inside a Kmart for your products. That says a heck of a lot more about Kmart than it does you, I promise. Do non-ghetto Kmarts even exist anymore? I went to one a few weeks ago in search of snow pants for Asher (Target was sold out; like I'd go to Kmart FIRST) and found that I was not at all surprised that the place is struggling in a major way. Every aisle was just full of jumbled... STUFF. Stuff EVERYWHERE. Nothing in piles or organized in even a REMOTELY helpful way.

Anyway. Did you want to see a cute picture (or two) of Lucy? Ok, GOOD. That's really all I've got.

Comments

[Parker_B]

Very funny! Martha cracks me up, too. Lucy is so cute! Is it just my computer monitor, or does she have a bit of a reddish tinge to her hair?

[Carrie]

Okay, you totally cracked me up with this. I especially loved this line "I don't know why this calendar isn't called “What Martha Would Do If She Were You, and also Poor.”'
SO true.
I just got my new issue of Living in the mail today. It always takes me a few days to work up my courage enough to open it. I have to wait for a day when I'm not already feeling like a lazy slob.
Oh, and about the show- I'm just sorry I missed the Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg episode. Seriously, who thought up that pairing?

[Raven]

Jan 14th happens to be my birthday. I am SO GLAD to know that Martha's cats will be clean on my birthday. It's like a special honor just for me. LOL.

[Amy]

Kmart is ghetto EVERYWHERE!! We're in California and I assume it's the same way wherever they are.

[TUWABVB]

I've always loved the whole calendar section - it made me feel superio and utterly inadequate all at once. I don't even think they have Kmarts in TX anymore...but best story ever? When I was little I used to do modeling and my mom HID the fact that I did some modeling for Kmart from our entire family - like it was a skeleton in my closet - too funny!

[Jen]

OH MY GOSH. I nearly tripped over myself clicking through my feed reader to comment. I just started getting Martha Stewart Living and was CRACKING UP at the calendar page. I thought the same thing- like SHE does these things herself? Give me a break! She probably has people who hire people who can HIRE people to do those things for her.

I do love the magazine though. Even when it makes me feel wholly inadequate as a wife and mother.

[Mrs. D]

Oh my gosh I had no idea such a wonderous thing as Martha's calendar existed! "Unplug it first"?!?! That is hilarious.

I got her wedding magazine for a couple of years before I got married, and it was amazing. But what I loved most (in a "love to make fun of" kind of way) was the crazy DIY section, where you learned how to make your own wedding bouquet out of, like, papier mache and Swarovski crystals... or how to hand-sew your bridesmaids' dresses out of unicorn fur and mermaid scales. I appreciate a good wedding DIY as much as the next gal, but those were always way over the top.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, I love Martha too. She's just so ridiculous! Agreed.
I only go to Kmart once a year, for the Christmas stuff, otherwise it's just too sad and sketchy. How is that place still in business?
Also, I see "my" blanket in the picture of Lucy! Squee!

[Youngin]

I became entranced with Martha when she turned her house into a space ship using "everyday items" that if you add them all up came out well over $500. Like I have that kind of cash to turn everything in my house into a scrap of trash. My second thought when I saw that episode was "someone call NASA, Martha says she can do it with just a few bucks."

[cee]

The calendar is the best part of the magazine. I always laugh at "dust lightbulbs." Because really?

[Beret]

Have you seen the show "Whatever, Martha!" on the Style Network? You must check it out.

[Swistle]

Does she even HAVE cats? January is a TERRIBLE time to bathe cats! You have to do it NEVER! Or at least do it in the hot part of summer when they can go sulk/dry in the sun.

I can't stand KMart either. Too depressing.

[glschneider]

My husband and I were out looking for a rug for our nursery last weekend and ended up at KMart (and then Ollie's- even lower on the retail rung) after exhausting many other search options. Ours was a little scary to put it mildly and I made my husband swear up and down that if my water broke in either store (I am due friday) that we would never tell anyone where it broke- we would just make something else up.

[Andrea]

I second the show "Whatever, Martha!" It's one of my faves.

[Monica]

You should go to a Martha Stewart Show taping in NYC! We went in November and walked out with a free book and a $100 gift card from Bank of America. It was actually quite fun. Especially if you are a minority or extra stylish, then they put you in the front row. I AM NOT JOKING - check the next time you see the show on TV.

It really is amazing how well she does on those shows. It seems like she's just getting along on cue cards that they hastily put together AS THE SHOW IS TAPING. My favorite is when she yells at the prep people for something not being perfect.

She took questions from us afterwards that weren't on air. But we were asked to submit some in advance. I suppose if they like your question they would tell YOU in advance but Martha doesn't have time for such silly things as rehearsals.

[Megan]

I can actually totally buy that she is doing these things herself. She grew up very middle class, and she learned how to do sewing, cooking, etc., from an early age. She knows what she's doing when she darns a sock, and I bet she wants things done "just so" - so it would be easier for her if she just did it herself.

If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend watching the biopic of her life, if for no other reason than it stars CYBILL FREAKIN' SHEPHERD!

[chatty cricket]

I love Martha with the firey passion of a thousand suns. Honest to goodness it nearly tore our family asunder when she reported for prison duty and my MIL wrote her off and then mercilessly mocked my Martha. She told me Martha was OVER and I respectfully disagreed and WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, LINDA?

I love Martha for all of the reasons you just listed. LOVE! And the Martha in my head not only bathes her cats herself, but also lectures Emily Post on the importance of proper cat grooming etiquette while doing it.

Also, FYI: I will be over promptly at 5:00 PM to eat Lucy up. Ok?

[Lawyerish]

My entire day is going to be enhanced by the recurring thought of Martha Stewart bathing her cats. The last time I tried to give MY cat a bath, which was at least eight years ago, I nearly died of blood loss. So yeah, I'm sure she handles that task all on her own.

The mending also killed me. I'm going to hazard a guess that if something Martha owns needs mending, she probably pitches it into the fire and buys a new one.

[jive turkey]

Please do yourself a favor and watch Lindsay Lohan when she was a guest on the Martha Stewart show. I've honestly never seen Lindsay Lohan look intimidated by anyone, but you'd best believe she is watching her shit around Martha. RIVETING.

http://tinyurl.com/y8w4col

[katie]

Soooo, you want the inside scoop?? My friend is one of Martha Stewart's assts... yes, I said ONE of them! I can get in touch with her and ask her if she REALLY does, in fact, vaccum under her own fridge! lol... very hard to believe, I agree!

[Heather Lyman]

I never comment, but I think this is your funniest post ever. I have read it until I cried!

[Nell]

ok - lurker - creepy i guess but I just have to say i feel exactly the same way about Martha and now want to subscribe to the dang mag to read that calendar!
great post!

[Karen]

OMG, we used to have to bathe our cat. Seriously. She was an elderly, tiny Burmese and I guess she had just given up on bathing? Anyway, she smelled funky sometimes. And my mom had "heard" somewhere that bathing the cat would help cut down on shedding and that was all good, since we had black cats and white furniture. (DESIGN FAIL.)

This poor cat. She hated it. But she put up with it. She was about six pounds soaking wet, so she knew she couldn't put up much of a fight. It was pretty pathetic to see her shivering in the sink and then cuddled up in towels. I believe we actually tried to BLOW DRY her fur, as well. No trauma there!

Then we got this other cat, another black cat, and he grew to be fifteen pounds. He was like the Mr. T of cats. My mom thought we should also bathe him. Yeah, that went well. Fifteen scratches later, water all over the kitchen, my mom decided that the cat could bathe himself as God intended.

All I'm saying is that if "Martha" has "cats" that allow themselves to be bathed, then those are some wimpy cats, man.

[halloweenlover]

I also spend a good chunk of time reviewing her calendar and then wondering why I'm so obsessed with it, but I just can't believe she goes around the trims all of her hedges or plants her hundreds of thousands of tulips. She has people who have people who can do that, so come on Martha.

Loving Lucy! She is too cute!

[Heidi T]

I went to a taping with my mom and they took the questions right there and then, but we were pre-taping, so they could edit if someone asked an inappropriate question.

She went batshit when someone didn't have something prepared and she made alot of mistakes and kept making them reset.