Book Review: The Curse of the Good Girl, by Rachel Simmons

All I had to do was read the Introduction (THE INTRODUCTION!) before I personally identified with what the author calls a Good Girl. Bear with me, as I have absolutely NO talent for condensing a book into a few key phrases so that you get the gist of it (I can, however, go on and on and on about how it matters to me PERSONALLY) so allow me to copy and paste from the press release so that you get the general idea:

“Unerringly polite, nice, modest, and selfless, the Good Girl paradigm is so narrowly defined it’s unachievable. With self-esteem tied to perfection, girls are unable to know, express and manage a complete range of feelings. The need to be “perfect” leaves girls uncomfortable with feedback and failure, making it difficult to recover from even minor setbacks; a conflict with a peer or a mistake in the classroom is often enough to unleash paralyzing self-criticism. Deprived of the permission to articulate their needs, strengths, and goals, girls are confined by a psychological glass ceiling that can extend into adulthood, stunting the growth of vital skills and habits essential to personal and professional success.”

Well, now that I read that paragraph again, it sounds pretty scary and intimidating, doesn't it? But the book itself was not in any way as harsh as the synopsis would lead you to believe. It was nicely paced – there were anecdotes and real-life, relatable stories in every chapter, and it never felt heavy or oppressive to read. You won't find pages of statistics or bar graphs or anything like that. What I DID find in the book was a very interesting parallel to the life I lived in middle and high school. (Oh, who are we kidding, and in college and post-college, too.) (Okay, YOU GOT ME, people who read my last post. ALSO NOW.)

What struck me most (and it struck me right away, like seriously, on page eight or something) was Simmons' decree that the Good Girls feel the need to be nice and do everything right, which in turn, limits their ability to speak their minds and engage in emotionally honest conversations. Good Girls, frankly, tend to be doormats. They agree too much, they lack strong opinions (or lack the confidence to EXPRESS those opinions), they stuff their emotions down inside and pretend they don't matter. To which I say, OH LORD, YES, this is so me (though much less now than when I was in school) and someone I don't really want Lucy to be. Do you want to know how many times I've been upset with friends or family or a boss or coworker and actually done something about it? Maybe twice. Ever. In my life. I'm so terrified of rocking the boat – of hurting someone else's feelings, even if the reason I need to talk to them about it is because they're HURTING MY OWN – that I never say anything. I blow it off; I tell myself that I'm overreacting. And if it's something that really bothers me, I'd prefer to let a friendship just fade away rather than call attention to my own feelings on the matter. I mean, what if I'm wrong? What if I'm making too big a deal of it? What if the friend isn't receptive to what I have to say? This is called The Plight of the People Pleaser. (I came up with that title on my own! Call me, Rachel Simmons! I AM YOUR POSTER CHILD.)

I didn't necessarily personally identify as much with some of the other bits and pieces in the book (for example, constant self-blame was never an issue for me as it seems to be for many), but I did find value in reading it since Lucy is only nine months old and I have no idea what kind of teenager (or adult) she will end up being. What I liked about this book was how realistic the examples were – totally spot on. This book captures the very ESSENCE of what it's like to be a teenage girl. Making assumptions (and then FREAKING OUT) about others without anything resembling a frank, honest conversation. Crying in response to confrontation, which “terminates meaningful discussion” and sends a “public distress signal that rallies support to a girl's side.” Saying “just kidding” after anything that could possibly be construed as criticism. YES YES YES. It was like reading the High School Handbook. It made so much sense, and it was so nice to see it all packaged together. Simmons has done a remarkable job painting a picture of the modern teenage girl. (It helps that she is a founder of the Girls' Leadership Institute. I think she gets a lot of teenage girl exposure.)

Of course, the most important part of the book focuses on how Good Girl mothers can break the curse for their daughters. And what Simmons says isn't just applicable to moms and daughters – it is really a good example of how to communicate PERIOD. The hardest thing for me was realizing that even if I do a good job teaching Lucy how to communicate honestly and openly, without making excuses for others or denying her own needs and wants, it is likely that the person she's trying to communicate with won't have the same insights. I imagine that would be frustrating after a while; knowing you have the key to unlocking a good, healthy relationship, but having the door slammed in your face by someone who doesn't really get it. In a perfect world, every girl would know what Simmons teaches. The good news is that she does help readers learn how to take the high road in relationships. (Even though the high road sucks a lot of times.)

I really liked that Simmons offered exercises for mothers who wanted to teach and lead their girls by example. The second half of the book was much like the first – very anecdotal, very easy to read and so REAL – and I plan to keep it around for reference when Lucy gets a bit older.

Honestly, there is so much in this book that I can't even begin to give it a comprehensive review. I've left out so much interesting stuff. So I'll just say that I really enjoyed it, and that it hit close to home for me. And that if you are interested at all in knowing how to teach and encourage your daughter to be real, and to accept and deal with her emotions, and to be confident and strong in her dealings with others (you can be strong and confident and still be polite!) then I would highly recommend reading this book. There is just SO MUCH in it, and I found it so familiar and so encouraging.

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Just an FYI: I was not paid for this review. My only compensation was a copy of the book, and I was asked to be honest when I wrote an entry about it. Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. (I'll answer questions there, too, if you have them.)

Comments

[H]

Wow, I need to read this book. My daughter is 18 and it sounds like I needed this book 18 years ago! Better late than never?

[Angella]

DUDE.

I was given this book to review as well. A s a woman, and a mom to a GIRL, I loved it.

[Jessica]

I read Odd Girl Out and it was a great book. I didn't have any kids at the time, but I did work at a girls school. I will have to pick this one up.

If you liked this, you would probably like "Why Gender Matters"- I had to read that for school as well and it was fantastic for anyone raising a boy and girl and an easy, interesting read.

[Carrie]

I heard this author talking on NPR and was very intrigued. I'm totally the good girl too and could relate to a lot of what she said- things like wanting to keep everyone happy and not rock the boat, even when it means standing up for myself. And things like not having the confidence in myself to speak up for my own worth at work. Very good points.

[barbetti]

I always enjoy thorough book reviews because my taste in novels is...well, crap. I'm lucky if I finish a trashy romance novel.

[Tiah]

Wonder if that book made it over here - must look into it.

[Tiah]

btw - are you on goodreads?

[Jennie]

This book sounds like a great tool for me. I have two daughters, 15 and 8, and this sounds like a must read. Thanks for the recommendation.

[Sheila]

I think I read her other book, although I might be confusing that with Queen Bees & Wannabes. Anyway, it sounds like a good read, especially for those of us with daughters. But my real question is, are you ever going to give us the inside scoop on your tenure with Parenting.com? I seem to remember you saying something like, once my contract is officially over, I'll have some interesting things to share. Perhaps the "good girl" in you doesn't want to say anything mean? If that's the case, go ahead and be a bad girl because we love gossip!

[Katie]

that sounds exactly like me, Im going to have to pick it up, it sounds so interesting! I wonder if you can turn the information around and use it on yourself? Either way, baby # 2 is on the way and It "its" a girl this would be very useful, i dont want another Me running around!

[Sarah]

You sealed the deal on me reading this book. I read a review of it a while ago and said, "Hmm... this sounds like me." My husband read a review of the book and said, "Do you think, maybe, this might be something you'd find interesting." And, even though you really have no idea who I am, I've always related to you and your writing (and thought we would be such good friends if she lived near me in the middle of nowhere Canada)! Library request, here I come! (Sorry, Rachel. I'm poor).

[maggie]

In light of recent personal experience that I may or may not have discussed with you recently, I feel like I lack a foundation in Sometimes Other People Are NOT Good. Is that a Good Girl trait? Assuming everyone is operating from the Good Perspective? That everyone is attempting to take the high road, has good intentions, wants to work stuff out in a genuine way? Because sometimes they don't, and a lifelong Good Girl has absolutely no idea how to deal. Worldview Destroyed!

But my mother is the most assertive (in a good way!) person I know. Of course, I was almost always embarrassed when she WAS assertive (esp on my behalf) but oh how I wish I was more like her! I'll be reading this too.

[Brenda]

Was this author following me all this time? Just from your review... I NEED TO READ THIS BOOK!

And Maggie..... did we share a mom? Cuz....wow... did you just want to hide in the department store when your mom was getting all over the clerk about something. Even tho you wish you could do that now?

[Becky]

I'd be interested to read this book ... but not because I see myself in it so much. I wasn't a "bad girl" per say, but I do feel comfortable speaking my mind (even when unpopular) and asserting myself ... particularly now that I'm older. And far, too often, that behavior has gotten me labeled as a *itch or heartless because I didn't fit the typical girl stereotype of smiling politely and agreeing with everyone. Somewhere there has to be a middle ground!

[Julie]

Wow...I JUST had a conversation with a friend of mine (I'm 31, she's 50) about this exact subject. How we are both this way, and really, really wish we could change it about ourselves. Hating confrontation for fear of making people upset or mad at you, crying in response to any confrontation, criticism, reprimand. Taking any criticism or reprimand personally, and automatically thinking they don't like you or are mad at you.

(God, just writing that I realize how ridiculous and childish it sounds....ugh - I'm even annoyed with myself now.)

Anywho...I've never heard of this book, but it sounds like a good read. I'm not sure this late in the game I can change these things about myself (they are all pretty well ingrained, you know?), but I can at least be more aware of it for when I do have kids.

[Mrs. D]

Reading this review, your thoughts on it, and the other comments was a big relief. I am SO GLAD to hear that I'm not the only person who suffers from The Plight of the People Pleaser. I have been trying so hard to work on this unpleasant aspect of my personality - trying to be more assertive, less terrified of confrontation, less obsessed with how others feel/think/react. It sounds like a really interesting book - maybe even a worthwhile read for a non-mom like me.

Lucy is so lucky that you are aware of this issue and are already working on addressing it.

[Parsing Nonsense]

This may have been me prior to a a year or two of very awesome therapy. Reading the book would have been cheaper though ;)

[Melissa]

Too bad my mom didn't have this book when my sisters and I were growing up!

I wonder if there is any similar type of book for raising boys? (I've got one and another on the way, and I think the balance between being "nice" and being confident/strong-minded is just as tough for boys.)

[Sara @ Belle Plaine]

My mom is a "Good Girl" and so am I (as a child and an adult). In fact, we were just discussing our doormat tendencies this morning and the hows and whys of why we are the way we are. Perhaps Ms. Simmons can enlighten me further. This is going straight to the top of my library book list.

[Anne]

I should read that, although I don't have a daughter yet (next time!). But I've been concentrating lately on not apologizing, and it's quite surprised me how often I have to suppress the urge. Admitting mistakes and taking responsibility is important, but I think women have this habit of constantly apologizing for things that aren't even remotely our fault, or for things that aren't actually something to aplogize for, like asking too many questions. And I think it's a huge detriment professionally. No one thinks you have anything to apologize for until you actually do, then they think you must have done something wrong. Funny though, i just posted something last night about how being nice is important, dammit.

[Jen]

oh man. I need to get this book because everything you said- EVERYTHING- I could have written. I'm a People Pleaser who avoids conflict to THE END (though I am getting a *little* bit better at this, having my own business & dealing with clients 1-on-1 makes it impossible to avoid it all the time, argh) but I also don't have any major hangups with self-esteem or anything. It's just... I keep my mouth shut a lot of the time and then kick myself later for it. AND I'M THIRTY YEARS OLD! It's almost as if I equate Having An Opinion with Being A Bad Girl, which is silly. But you know.

And I would LOVE for Maggie to not grow up and be like me in that way. I mean, OBVIOUSLY I want her to be a Good Girl in other respects (OMG THE BOYS.) but I'd love for her to be more outspoken than I am. (My husband would totally laugh reading that sentence, thinking 'Jen? NOT OUTSPOKEN? HAHAHAHAHA)

Anyway... thanks for the book recommendation, I'm definitely putting it on my list!

[wordygirl]

Thanks for the review! I too am struggling with how to raise a confident, authentic (love that word) daughter in a confusing age. Will definitely give this a read!

[Milana]

Very similar to "good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere". That was also a good read, but more for a young woman entering the real world and starting off her professional/personal life. Sounds like a good read!

[SGM]

I am one of those people who comes home from being with friends (friends!) and thinks: "Why did I say that? What if I offended her? Why do I have to be so WEIRD?"

I am reading this from cover to cover, sister. Thank you so much for reviewing this book!

[Amy --- Just A Titch]

Oooh, I want to read this. As a Good Girl and a middle school teacher, I think it would be helpful :)