Writing elsewhere

I wrote a piece on breastfeeding – and why I chose to stop (though the title choice was not my own) – for iVillage. It's been up long enough to generate 19 or 20 pages of comments, although I had to stop reading through them after only a handful. I loved writing the piece and I still stand by the choices I made with zero regret (truly, ZERO), even though there were times when I thought I would feel the regret of not nursing my children every day of my life. The truth is, I got past it. I moved on. I don't even THINK about it anymore, and I don't know why some people think I should.

This is my first time writing something personal for a website other than my own. It's actually kind of hard to post something personal somewhere other than here. I can't help but take the negative comments personally; can't help but want to email everyone who didn't quite get what I was trying to say and tell them I TRIED, I DID, it just didn't work and I promise I saw a lactation consultant and I DID get help and HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT I DIDN'T WANT MY CHILDREN AT ALL JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T BREASTFEED FOR 36 MONTHS.

But that would be ridiculous. I have to remember that 1500 words can't possibly convey my whole story or the overwhelming spectrum of emotions I experienced when I went through that. And I have to be okay with that.

So I am.

Well, I'm trying to be, at least.

It's funny, isn't it, how there can be 300 positive comments, 300 people saying THANK YOU, I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT and yet we can get so bogged down by the one person who says that you're a terrible mother. 

Actually, I think more than one person called me a terrible mother, but I only got to write one article, so no one gets to hear me defend my decisions or about how that non-breastfed baby can now TYPE THE ALPHABET. 

Regardless, if you want to read it, you can find it here. 

Comments

[wordygirl]

Sigh. I'm in your boat, sort of. Breastfeeding didn't work for us, either, and last week's Breastfeeding Week all over my blogroll made me realize that I am NOT over it. I DO still feel guilty. Or, maybe it's not the guilt per se, just the fact that I wish things were different. I see pictures of kids my daughter's age (15 months) nursing and I get tears in my eyes.

Can you give me any brilliant advice on how to get where you are? (Of course, my kid doesn't type the alphabet yet, so I don't have that to fall back on.)

[susan]

breastfeeding didn't work for me either. It was harder than giving birth, pregnancy and probably any thing else i have ever done. But in my heart i know it was the right decision to quit...my baby and my husband not to mention me were so much better off. I felt guilty for a long time, but now i realize it was the best for everyone. By the way, you are awesome Emily. Don't listen to those ya-hoos.

[Lori]

I just got an e-mail from IVillage announcing your article! You did a great job.

After a very difficult start (including that *&%$#^@ nursing shield!) my little girl and I ended up working it out and were able to nurse. But because of that awful experience, I absolutely do not fault anyone that decides nursing is not for them. In fact, I was in the process of training to be a La Leche League leader, but I've pretty much decided that it may not be for me. I'm just not zealous about the issue. I was grateful for the help I received but I recognize that it's a personal choice and there should be no guilt involved. And if I do make the step to be a leader, I don't feel like being a walking guilt trip.

From reading your blog here and at parents.com I can tell you are a great mom, Emily! You made the best decision for you and your babies. And I'm glad that you're happy with that choice.

[Shannon]

Man, people like that (who make people feel guilty for not breastfeeding) just raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels! To wordygirl, I would say that every other animal species who is unable to feed their young just lets the offspring die. We feed our babies formula and they are able to thrive and grow up because we have that capability and good fortune. A bad mother would be someone who didn't feed their baby. I know the pressure is tremendous. I breastfed my first with an incredibly rocky start and while I don't regret doing it, in retrospect I probably should have switched to bottle feeding because the stress and depression over months of only marginally successful breastfeeding took a terrible toll on me. All I can say is that for each of the breastfeeding nazis out there there are ten more people who fully support mothers who choose or are forced to choose bottle-feeding. I truly hope that our culture will eventually stop swinging between extremes of breastfeeding being viewed as dirty to bottlefeeding being viewed as child abuse! It's ridiculous and completely unfair to put that kind of pressure on parents.

[Cathy]

I hate the breastfeeding fanaticals. Yes, breastfeeding is best, but it isn't the end of the world if you can't. We shouldn't make other women feel GUILTY if they don't. We should support them in their decision and knowledge of what is best for her and her baby (pronoun failure in that sentence).

A bottle-fed baby with a happy mother is infinitely better off than a breast-fed baby with a stressed out mother who dreads her child waking up to feed.

For the record, I breastfed for 7 months, when my daughter gave it up on her own. She hated having to lie and face away from everything that was going on the room. :)

[Megan]

Hey, congrats on your new gig! Is this a regular feature for you?

[Jessica]

I had a friend who really really struggled hard with this. She is the all-organic, all-natural type. She was determined to breastfeed for as long as possible. First she had no milk-for a week. Then the milk came in (a little) and she couldn't get him to latch on. They went to doctors and lactation consultants... You get the idea.

Finally the pediatrician diagnosed her son with failure to thrive- he was losing weight rapidly and not doing well at all.

She was devastated to have to give her child formula. She called me sobbing one day and I talked to her for a while and I said something to her that actually ended up helping me get over my guilt (I pumped for 9 weeks).

I reminded her that in other times and places other than ours she would have to watch her baby starve to death. She would watch him wither away and lose weight and finally stop breathing. I am thankful I live in a place where I have access to formula. I am thankful I have the freedom and choice to feed my child as I see what he/she needs. Instead of focusing on how we "fail", lets be thankful that is even a debate we can have.

[Lizzie]

I breastfed for 10 MONTHS which is approximately 3-4 months longer than I actually wanted to. And I STILL got shit from some people. People are dumb. The end. There's nothing we can do without being judged by some other mother (mutha) who has THE answer.

[Annie]

I don't have kids, so I can't speak to the breastfeeding thing. But I can say that I love you and I love reading everything you have to say. Even if it's as controversial as your personal decision to not breastfeed. God forbid. I think you're doing a fine job as a mother, from what I can tell anyway. :)

[-R-]

Some people think their experiences are universal, and if they were able to stick with it, then you should have been able to do it too. Or if it was easy for them, they can't understand how it would be difficult for someone else. I hope you can see the humor in some of the craziest comments to that post.

My neighbor told me the other day that "all you have to do to get a baby sleep through the night is..." Yeah, thanks to his ONE child being a good sleeper, he is now the expert. I impressed myself by smiling and changing the subject instead of punching him in the nose.

PS I didn't quite make it 3 months trying to breastfeed. I was MISERABLE. I enjoyed my time with the baby so much more after I officially quit breastfeeding.

[Kathryn]

Emily, you are awesome. I love your blog, and I am happy that you are so honest. Sometimes I feel like you are writing about my life. Why must women judge each other? I'll never get it. Keep doing what you're doing!

[marina]

I have a blog that is really just a journal online. I am not really a writer, but i like keeping the blog and a few friends read it too so they are up to date. I have been working on a post about why I didn't breast feed for too long (never made it past 2.5 or 3 months with either baby) and why I really dislike La Leche and their websites and their referal to formula as artificial food (in a poster outside my hospital delivery room) and I haven't posted it yet. Not like I have that many readers, but for some reason it is hard to post. Anyway, long story short, thanks for sharing this. :)

[andrea]

I read it and commented over there. I commend you for taking on such a hot topic, especially in a forum like that. I made the mistake of reading through a few pages of the comments and that was when I decided I needed to comment myself. Breastfeeding has been a huge struggle for me with both my kids and it is something that I just don't talk about anymore. I don't need to hear anyone's opinions or how they did it. I am doing what works for me, which at this point is a bit of the boob and a bit of the can, thank you very much.

Nice job, Emily!

[little miss mel]

Good Lord. These people clearly are some unhappy folk to try to make you feel like shit cause you didn't do something they are so proud they did.

Come on.

I was unable to breastfeed "successfully" as well with both of my little ones. WHO GIVES A FLYING FLOOP. I got to 8 weeks with one, 6 weeks with another. Good for me!!

I don't feel guilty I wasn't able to stay with it. I am not even sure I could have done it on my own if my girls were completely capable. I recognize that now, and I am fine with it.

If it works for others, GOOD FOR YOU. Can't we all just support each other than tear each other down?

p.s. I'd like to thank Good Start for being there for me while others weren't. ;)

[Carrisa]

You forgot to warn me that a photo of a boob would be staring at me when I clicked on that link. It's a nice looking boob though so I'll forgive you.

I'm not a mom, but I've read enough about breastfeeding during my years as a blogger to know one thing. You have to do what works for you. Just like anything else in life.

And anyone who thinks they are in a position to judge someone else is crazy. Especially when that person gave it an honest shot.

[Formerly Gracie]

Your post for iVillage just brought me to tears. I've been there and I'm going through it again with my second baby... the crippling guilt, the fear, the doubt.

I just want to be one of the 300 people that tells you it's okay and that you're right.

Being a good mom isn't about breast milk, homemade baby food, organic socks, and baby wearing.(I threw in those last three for good measure) It's about being there for your kids and husband.

Bravo for speaking out!

[Kristin]

Wow some of those comments are unbelievable! I am very pro-breastfeeding and I've breastfed both my kids, but it's not the right choice for every mother and when it's at the point where it is interfering with your happiness, of course it's not the best option. Man, I just want to b*tchslap some of those people for you.
I've gotten the same crap for not staying home with my kids. I guess being a SAHM is worth us living in a cardboard box and going into credit card debt. Bravo to you for being honest, I'm sure your article will make many many women feel better about their choice.

[Pookahs]

I thought your article was heartfelt, honest and real. Breastfeeding is obviously the natural way to do it, but not something that works for everyone. Aren't we lucky to have something to feed kids that don't do well with breastfeeding or breastmilk?

Also, I can understand someone defending their own choice for breastfeeding but attacking you for your choices seems like they doth protest too much... You gave it the old college try and it didn't work for you. End of discussion in my book.

Realistically, breastfeeding is not directly linked with morality and good mothering yet people are reacting like there is a direct link. WTF?

[jonniker]

Oh my fuck, I got through like, four of those comments and felt HOMICIDAL on your behalf.

Nothing infuriates me more than this "debate." It's like everyone thinks that THEIR experience is THE EXPERIENCE. And the SIDS statistics and threats that are bandied about make me ENRAGED. And FURTHER -- FURTHER -- I had an easy time breastfeeding. And you know what? IT IS STILL HARD, and I was tempted to quit about FIVE THOUSAND TIMES and if it were hard? I WOULD HAVE. My sanity is more important to my kid than my stupid-ass stretch-marked boobs.

So anyone who thinks for two flat seconds that they have ANY right to judge anyone on this shit can seriously come to my home, where I will promptly squirt some of my so-called "liquid gold" DIRECTLY INTO THEIR EYE.

I'm so sick -- SICK -- of people feeling so goddamn defensive about their own choices that they have to make other people feel shitty about theirs. I have no desire/need to defend my choice to breastfeed. It was easy, it was free, I did it. Big fucking deal. We're all good mothers, no matter what we decide, provide we put in the effort to be so. If there was a universally right way to raise children, we would all be given that book in the hospital, and we would all be perfect, and no child would be sick, ever.

PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH. Also: SQUIRT.

[Cora]

Wow! I had to stop reading the comments because I was getting so irate. Are these people kidding me? Seriously? Did that one person actually ask, "Why have a baby at all?" It makes me want to punch people in the face. In a nice way, of course.

I think you are awesome, Emily. In fact, I want to be your friend. Your honesty and humor have gotten me through some very painful, difficult times dealing with my own pregnancy and delivery and post partum depression. I didn't even make it 8 weeks before having to quit breastfeeding for a variety of reasons. And I struggled with the decision for a long time. But I am so much happier now and I am a much better mom. Like, a hundred, million, zillion times of a better mom.

I think breastfeeding is awesome and I will definitely try again if we have a second child. But if not? I'm okay. He's okay. My future child will be okay. Thank you for sharing your experience and letting other people know that we're going to be okay.

[Carla Hinkle]

Whoa. Those comments are nutty. I just can't get all riled up about BF. I did it, I liked it, and I quit at 9 months with my first (went back to work and hated pumping with a fiery hot passion) and 7 months with my second (she lost interest and I couldn't bring myself to pump for her til she (maybe) got back into it). I'm sure that seems long and successful to some, short and crappy to others. Who cares? I'm glad you've moved on with it.

PS I'm not anti-BF education because I think there are lots of less-educated women who don't get any information to make a choice. By and large I don't think college-educated, middle-class women are in that category and get plenty of information to make a well-informed decision that the rest of us should leave the heck alone.

[Lisa M]

Dude, I couldn't even read halfway down the first comment page without wanting to smack some people.
The article was clear, concise, and very personal. I'm sorry you got so many negative comments. It's not deserved.
Congrats on the freelancing. Hope we continue to see more of you!!!!! (BTW, where is that wetsuit video?)

[liz]

Wow, those people are making me feel guilty that I'm not still breastfeeding and my kids are 17 and 19! No, seriously, just don't read those comments. It's none of anybody's business who breastfed and for how long.

[Joanna]

Those judgmental comments are so annoying. I wish people would remember that the reason we have formula is because babies who couldn't breastfeed had no other options for...well, millennia. Criticism directed at bottle-feeding seems akin to reprimanding someone for not sending her child to private school or not avoiding a c-section. If it's a choice, it's YOUR choice. If it's not, it's an issue that demands sympathy, not a tongue-lashing.

[Suzy Voices]

Why do people have to be so judgmental?? I breastfed my first for 6 weeks and my second for 4 weeks. I was so glad to be done! Having a baby inside you for nine months and then attached to you for AT LEAST 8 hours a day takes its toll quickly (for some of us). I know lots of women love it, and that's wonderful! But everyone is different! Sheesh.

Oh, and my formula babies are both at the top of their classes. ;-)