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Monday, March 02, 2009



HAHAHA. The first time I went to the gynecologist, I had to make awkward small talk in the waiting room with my middle school Spanish teacher. "Hola! Tengo vagina!"


At my next annual appointment, I will remember the scalding hot speculum and I will cringe. Ugh.

Amanda Nicole

Good god.

Mine uses a plastic speculum that cranks up like a car jack, complete with little clicking sounds as it opens wider and wider. Makes me feel like she's going to tell me I need a new carburetor and then bill me $500 for bullshit parts and labour.


Ahahahahahahahahaha. I laughed out loud. For real.

My first time, they had me undress, said someone'd be with me shortly, and then left me alone with 80's music for 20 minutes. I know this is pretty typical of a gyno visit, but I MEAN, seriously -- can you not give me at least a FIVE MINUTE warning? "Chill here for a bit, I'll come back and tell you when the doctor is ACTUALLY almost ready to see you."

Maybe they're understaffed. Whatever. They can hire me. I will be The-Doctor-Is-Actually-Coming-Soon Girl, they can hire me.

Also, they didn't use a speculum on me my first time, she just felt around up in there. How nice. Although she did make direct eye contact with me while she gave me my boob exam, because she was making small talk -- made me feel really like I was on an awkward first date or something...

Loved this post.


Oh my God, I have my first pap smear next week and it's WITH MY GENERAL PHYSICIAN. She requested that we make this appointment together! And that is totally weird! I am so glad you think it's totally weird for a general physician to go in there! I've seen her for several years, we've had many nice conversations, and now she will be examining my vagina. How do you ever bounce back from that?

Nicole P.

At my first appointment, my hooha spit the speculum right back out at the doctor. Awk. Ward.


Oh my goodness. At least the ice cold speculum took care of the burns you got from the burning hot one!

Even now (6 years after my first visit), they still have to tell me to scoot my butt down farther, and to spread my legs wider. I will never get used to that. My doctor's office also uses a nice plastic one, so it isn't cold, but it is uncomfortable, and I don't like the noise it makes when it cranks open. I also still get the heebie jeebies every time they scrape the inside cells. The thought of it just makes me shudder.
Oh, and I go to my GP, too, but it's a special Medical and Maternity place, so I think they're all very familiar with the vagina (they're also all women). Also, when (if) I have babies, I can just stay at the same practice, score!


I just had to delurk to say, my first gyno exam was a double booked appointment with my mother. We had separate rooms (I felt the need to make that clear) but still the doctor's discomfort was palatable and he also made a "you look alike" comment. Actually I write this I realize I am 30 and have only had bad experiences and I am 36 weeks pregnant. This realization doesn't bode well for delivery.


This will make you feel better about your first gyn visit: mine? my very first time? Was because I was a 17 year old whore who thought it was a genius idea to try using a Today Sponge as a form of contraceptive...

And I couldn't get it out.

Neither could my boyfriend.

I had to lay on a table and have a doctor I'd never met remove a used contraceptive device from my vagina. THREE DAYS LATER.


Also of note: I don't have HALF the balls it would take to post a story like this on my own website. KUDOS TO YOU GIRL.

Amy H

Oh My Heavens! That is such a funny story. Sorry that it is true, but at least you can look back and laugh.


Parsing Nonsense

The phrase "burning hot speculum" will haunt me all the days of my life. Thank you, yet again, for your fearless willingness to embarrass yourself publicly for our benefit. I needed that laugh!


I remember the first time they warmed it up for me. Cannot express my outrage that they'd never done it before.

My First Time was in the ER in the middle of the night my senior year in high school. I was having serious stomach pains - STOMACH. Not intestines. Not uterus. STOMACH. As in UP HIGH PRACTICALLY BY YOUR CHEST. What was it? ACID REFLUX.

And the nurse who held my had through the whole thing (while my DAD waited behind the curtain. I know. MORTIFIED.)? The mom of a friend of mine who was a GUY. Every time I had to see her after that - or him for that matter - I wanted to crawl into a hold and DIE.

To this day, I wonder why they needed a speculum to diagnose my acid reflux.



I once had a student nurse leave the speculum in while she ran to check with her supervisor about something, but that doesn't come close to your story.

Your general practitioner really didn't know much about how hoohas work (I do -- you can tell by my fancy vocabulary). Everyone's cervix changes position throughout her cycle.


OHMYHELL. As the mother of a daughter, I will NEVER FORGET THIS IN 18 YEARS.
Sydney thanks you in advance.


I was laughing so hard while reading this that I WAS CRYING.

You are seriously amazing.


For real, my general practitioner decided to put the speculum under "warm" water once, too. I was about 17 and new at the whole Pap smear song and dance. Still, how I kept from kicking him in the face I will never know. Yes, him. What a dumbass he was. Then, while my vagina was blistering, he talked to me about how he had watched "Ellen" on TV the night before. Then he diagnosed me with the clap, even though that was not even possible seeing how I was still a virgin and all. Needless to say, I found a new doctor after that.


Oh dear FSM I can't believe you ever had another gyno exam EVER again!


Yikes. I am still crossing my legs and clenching my hooha...five minutes after reading your post. During my first time, I'm pretty sure the GYN probed my rear. I was only 18 but, remember thinking if you're going to do that you should tell the person first. Right?!???! Next gyno visit was many years later!


HAHAHAHA!! How totally mortifying and awful! Yet it makes excellent blog fodder, even years later.


My first time, the nurse present (doctor was a man) said, "Oh, since it's your first time, we'll use the itty-bitty speculum, won't we?" and the doctor replied, "no, I think we're good with this normal one right here." and then proceeded to make small talk about our college football teams (huge rivalry, I knew I should have cancelled the appointment once I read his bio online. He probably used the big speculum on purpose)!!


I have a tipped uterus and my first time (with a nurse practitioner at a general physician's office) COULDN'T FIND MY CERVIX. After digging around in there (shudder, gag) for about 10 minutes she finally "found" it (I don't get it, all roads lead to one place, right?), she said, "you might experience some cramping later." Uh, yeah. To say the least.

Also have to agree, TAKE YOUR DAUGHTERS TO A REAL OBGYN. WAY less awkward knowing they do that all day and aren't checking your "stuff" between cholesterol and hearing checks.


At my first appointment with a new OBGYN, I sat in the paper gown waiting and listening to the music playing over the intercom for about 20 minutes before the doctor came to do the exam. What song began playing just as he walked in and started the whole speculum-inserting and breast-prodding routine? YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND.


The hot speculum thing happened to me too. I had to have a pelvic exam as part of a medical study. I had been spoiled by my current gyno's friendly manner and plastic speculums. This old guy brings out the metal one. I couldn't help but think, "It's metal - that means they just clean it off and reuse it on the next girl". Gross. He proceeds to warm it up under the faucet. As soon as it touches my girlie bits, it burned and I tell him it's hot. He touches the speculum and then tells me "It's not hot". Maybe not to your hands but to my THIN VAGINA SKIN and other inner parts that don't have the protection of skin it is flaming. He tells me it's not that hot, again as if I'm wrong and can't discern the difference between someting hot and cold in my fun box. Asshole.


Holy crap, Emily, that is the (best) worst story I've read in a while (ehh, Twilight excluded... although I'm only admitting that ONLINE.) The worst part was just that it was your first experience with speculums and eyes in your nether regions-- full out embarrassment.


laughed so hard i choked on my oatmeal.
every time my obgyn says she's going to 'warm up the speculum a bit' i expect her to stick it under her armpits. but then (thankfully) she just rubs it a bit between her hands.

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