My Big Fat Bungled Gynecologist Visit

Warning: This story isn't particularly graphic, but it does contain some mental images that could make you feel VERY AWKWARD if you are of the male persuasion and happen to know me in person. So you can either NOT READ IT, or read it and laugh (dude, it IS funny) and pretend you totally didn't when you next see me. WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU.  

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When I was 17 or 18, my mom decided it was time for me to have my very first Annual Gynecological Checkup.

Frankly, this was no big surprise. I knew it was time, too. And not because I was sexually active or having any kind of Problematic Lady Part Issues. Mostly because those brochures they gave us in Health class said that girls should have that kind of checkup by the time they're 18 and if I knew anything when I was 18, it was how to follow rules; even rules that were really just suggestions printed inside glossy Family Planning brochures that nobody else but me ever read anyway, and especially not on the bus ride home. Well, nobody except me, that is. Well, and my mom. (OBVIOUSLY.) (Except she did not read them on the bus.)

“I made you a gynecologist appointment,” my mom told me one afternoon. “But I just made it at the family practice, so you can have your hearing and cholesterol checked, too.”

That should have been my first clue, an appointment for three of the most unrelated medical issues ever in the history of the world. My hearing? My vagina? MY CHOLESTEROL? In my mom's defense, I understand that she was just trying to make it as easy as possible: one appointment to get it all out of the way. Also: only one $10 co-pay (CHEAPSKATE). However, should you happen to have one of these “daughters” who need their reproductive system checked out for the very first time, might I suggest you make sure they're seeing someone who SPECIALIZES IN THIS TYPE OF PLUMBING?

I showed up to the appointment and was sent to the lab for bloodwork and the hearing test. Here I would like you to know that I passed the hearing test and was not suffering from high cholesterol, despite family history and my mother's paranoia. Then I was led back to an exam room where I was told to undress completely, put on the paper shirt and drape the paper sheet over my legs. The doctor would be with me shortly, so I was left alone to panic about the fact that very, very soon, I was going to have to hoist my naked legs in the air and place my naked feet into stirrups and expose something VERY PRIVATE and also VERY NAKED to someone I had NEVER MET BEFORE. And because Google did not exist back in 1995, I had no idea what else to expect. I certainly wasn't going to ask a REAL LIVE PERSON what was going to happen to me during that appointment. OH HECK NO.

The doctor eventually came in, after I'd shivered in my paper outfit for 15 minutes or so. I was willing to be compliant with everything she asked me to do in the hopes that she would let me put my clothes back on ASAP and thaw out. I remember that she was relatively young; probably in her early 30s, and I could tell, despite being only 17 or 18 years old myself, that she was kind of nervous about doing a gyn exam. Probably because she was a general practitioner, and hadn't seen a vagina on purpose since her residency rotations and she probably only did it then WITH SOMEONE LOOKING DIRECTLY OVER HER SHOULDER and giving her instructions on how to do whatever she was doing CORRECTLY. (You: Hey! I sense foreshadowing!)

I don't remember a lot of small talk or instruction. I have probably blocked it out. What I do remember is that I got into the right position with a lot of coaching, and blushing, and then the doctor showed me the speculum and told me what she was going to do with it. I do remember thinking that she had to be kidding me; this procedure required a METAL SHOEHORN? And then she said something about it being metal, and therefore cold to the touch, and that it would probably be a lot more comfortable for me if she warmed it up with some warm water first.

I know what you're thinking, and what you're thinking is, “Now, that's a nice touch!” And I know she MEANT well, but that does not excuse the fact that what ended up happening was that she didn't pay attention to the water temperature and therefore put a SCALDING HOT SPECULUM up my hoo-ha. It was... rather uncomfortable. I sucked in my breath because OMG THE PAIN but I think the doctor just thought it was General First-Time Speculum Fright and continued on with her doctoring business. Except that her business wasn't going so well either.

She adjusted that little poky metal shoehorn about 15 times, twisting it this way and that; pulling it out and apologizing and asking me to try to hold still (IMPOSSIBLE) while she inserted it again. It sucked. ROYALLY. And finally she decided it just wasn't happening and told me that she needed to find a different speculum; that the one she had wasn't giving her the right angle, and she needed to get a new one.

And I swear, as God as my witness, I did not make up what happened next. Remember, I am lying on a table, with my feet in the stirrups, covered by what generally amounts to an oversized KLEENEX, while my doctor opens the exam room door, stands in the doorway, and shouts into the hallway, “Does anybody know if they make a bigger speculum?”

SHOUTING. INTO THE HALLWAY. Not “where IS the bigger speculum,” or “could someone bring me the bigger speculum.” DO THEY MAKE A BIGGER SPECULUM. Does it even EXIST. There is a MEDICAL ANOMALY LYING ON MY TABLE, EVERYBODY, and I CANNOT FIND HER CERVIX.

Bedside manner EPIC FAIL.

Eventually, she ended up going and searching for one herself, leaving me there on the table, all shivery and still very naked. (I didn't even leave my socks on because the nurse specified “naked from the waist down” and I don't know if you were paying attention at the beginning of this entry but HELLO, AM MAJOR RULE FOLLOWER, “naked” means NO SOCKS.) And when she returned, she finished the exam (no warming of the new, possibly-larger-although-she-never-actually-told-me speculum this time, it was as cold as ice), and after telling me everything looked just fine, also told me that the next time I had one of these appointments to tell the doctor that, AND I QUOTE, “Your cervix is waaaaaayyy up in there.” Guess what? I mentioned that the next time, YEARS AND YEARS LATER, when I had an appointment with an actual board-certified vagina doctor and she told me my cervix was exactly where she expected it to be. In other words? The person who told you that was completely incompetent and should be doing something like checking your hearing or your cholesterol and NOTHING ELSE.

The End.

Comments

[Sally]

HAHAHA. The first time I went to the gynecologist, I had to make awkward small talk in the waiting room with my middle school Spanish teacher. "Hola! Tengo vagina!"

[Jenn]

At my next annual appointment, I will remember the scalding hot speculum and I will cringe. Ugh.

[Amanda Nicole]

Good god.

Mine uses a plastic speculum that cranks up like a car jack, complete with little clicking sounds as it opens wider and wider. Makes me feel like she's going to tell me I need a new carburetor and then bill me $500 for bullshit parts and labour.

[emmysuh]

Ahahahahahahahahaha. I laughed out loud. For real.

My first time, they had me undress, said someone'd be with me shortly, and then left me alone with 80's music for 20 minutes. I know this is pretty typical of a gyno visit, but I MEAN, seriously -- can you not give me at least a FIVE MINUTE warning? "Chill here for a bit, I'll come back and tell you when the doctor is ACTUALLY almost ready to see you."

Maybe they're understaffed. Whatever. They can hire me. I will be The-Doctor-Is-Actually-Coming-Soon Girl, they can hire me.

Also, they didn't use a speculum on me my first time, she just felt around up in there. How nice. Although she did make direct eye contact with me while she gave me my boob exam, because she was making small talk -- made me feel really like I was on an awkward first date or something...

Loved this post.

[Megan]

Oh my God, I have my first pap smear next week and it's WITH MY GENERAL PHYSICIAN. She requested that we make this appointment together! And that is totally weird! I am so glad you think it's totally weird for a general physician to go in there! I've seen her for several years, we've had many nice conversations, and now she will be examining my vagina. How do you ever bounce back from that?

[Nicole P.]

At my first appointment, my hooha spit the speculum right back out at the doctor. Awk. Ward.

[Robin]

Oh my goodness. At least the ice cold speculum took care of the burns you got from the burning hot one!

Even now (6 years after my first visit), they still have to tell me to scoot my butt down farther, and to spread my legs wider. I will never get used to that. My doctor's office also uses a nice plastic one, so it isn't cold, but it is uncomfortable, and I don't like the noise it makes when it cranks open. I also still get the heebie jeebies every time they scrape the inside cells. The thought of it just makes me shudder.
Oh, and I go to my GP, too, but it's a special Medical and Maternity place, so I think they're all very familiar with the vagina (they're also all women). Also, when (if) I have babies, I can just stay at the same practice, score!

[Eeek]

I just had to delurk to say, my first gyno exam was a double booked appointment with my mother. We had separate rooms (I felt the need to make that clear) but still the doctor's discomfort was palatable and he also made a "you look alike" comment. Actually I write this I realize I am 30 and have only had bad experiences and I am 36 weeks pregnant. This realization doesn't bode well for delivery.

[Amanda]

This will make you feel better about your first gyn visit: mine? my very first time? Was because I was a 17 year old whore who thought it was a genius idea to try using a Today Sponge as a form of contraceptive...

And I couldn't get it out.

Neither could my boyfriend.

I had to lay on a table and have a doctor I'd never met remove a used contraceptive device from my vagina. THREE DAYS LATER.

GOOD. TIMES.

Also of note: I don't have HALF the balls it would take to post a story like this on my own website. KUDOS TO YOU GIRL.

[Amy H]

Oh My Heavens! That is such a funny story. Sorry that it is true, but at least you can look back and laugh.

wow!

[Parsing Nonsense]

The phrase "burning hot speculum" will haunt me all the days of my life. Thank you, yet again, for your fearless willingness to embarrass yourself publicly for our benefit. I needed that laugh!

[annie]

I remember the first time they warmed it up for me. Cannot express my outrage that they'd never done it before.

My First Time was in the ER in the middle of the night my senior year in high school. I was having serious stomach pains - STOMACH. Not intestines. Not uterus. STOMACH. As in UP HIGH PRACTICALLY BY YOUR CHEST. What was it? ACID REFLUX.

And the nurse who held my had through the whole thing (while my DAD waited behind the curtain. I know. MORTIFIED.)? The mom of a friend of mine who was a GUY. Every time I had to see her after that - or him for that matter - I wanted to crawl into a hold and DIE.

To this day, I wonder why they needed a speculum to diagnose my acid reflux.

Hmmm.

[Pippi]

I once had a student nurse leave the speculum in while she ran to check with her supervisor about something, but that doesn't come close to your story.

Your general practitioner really didn't know much about how hoohas work (I do -- you can tell by my fancy vocabulary). Everyone's cervix changes position throughout her cycle.

[Manda]

OHMYHELL. As the mother of a daughter, I will NEVER FORGET THIS IN 18 YEARS.
Sydney thanks you in advance.

[Annie]

I was laughing so hard while reading this that I WAS CRYING.

You are seriously amazing.

[Meghan]

For real, my general practitioner decided to put the speculum under "warm" water once, too. I was about 17 and new at the whole Pap smear song and dance. Still, how I kept from kicking him in the face I will never know. Yes, him. What a dumbass he was. Then, while my vagina was blistering, he talked to me about how he had watched "Ellen" on TV the night before. Then he diagnosed me with the clap, even though that was not even possible seeing how I was still a virgin and all. Needless to say, I found a new doctor after that.

[Amanda]

Oh dear FSM I can't believe you ever had another gyno exam EVER again!

[Maureen]

Yikes. I am still crossing my legs and clenching my hooha...five minutes after reading your post. During my first time, I'm pretty sure the GYN probed my rear. I was only 18 but, remember thinking if you're going to do that you should tell the person first. Right?!???! Next gyno visit was many years later!

[nonsoccermom]

HAHAHAHA!! How totally mortifying and awful! Yet it makes excellent blog fodder, even years later.

[Christy]

My first time, the nurse present (doctor was a man) said, "Oh, since it's your first time, we'll use the itty-bitty speculum, won't we?" and the doctor replied, "no, I think we're good with this normal one right here." and then proceeded to make small talk about our college football teams (huge rivalry, I knew I should have cancelled the appointment once I read his bio online. He probably used the big speculum on purpose)!!

[amy]

I have a tipped uterus and my first time (with a nurse practitioner at a general physician's office) COULDN'T FIND MY CERVIX. After digging around in there (shudder, gag) for about 10 minutes she finally "found" it (I don't get it, all roads lead to one place, right?), she said, "you might experience some cramping later." Uh, yeah. To say the least.

Also have to agree, TAKE YOUR DAUGHTERS TO A REAL OBGYN. WAY less awkward knowing they do that all day and aren't checking your "stuff" between cholesterol and hearing checks.

[andrea_jennine]

At my first appointment with a new OBGYN, I sat in the paper gown waiting and listening to the music playing over the intercom for about 20 minutes before the doctor came to do the exam. What song began playing just as he walked in and started the whole speculum-inserting and breast-prodding routine? YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND.

[Ingrid]

The hot speculum thing happened to me too. I had to have a pelvic exam as part of a medical study. I had been spoiled by my current gyno's friendly manner and plastic speculums. This old guy brings out the metal one. I couldn't help but think, "It's metal - that means they just clean it off and reuse it on the next girl". Gross. He proceeds to warm it up under the faucet. As soon as it touches my girlie bits, it burned and I tell him it's hot. He touches the speculum and then tells me "It's not hot". Maybe not to your hands but to my THIN VAGINA SKIN and other inner parts that don't have the protection of skin it is flaming. He tells me it's not that hot, again as if I'm wrong and can't discern the difference between someting hot and cold in my fun box. Asshole.

[Mandi]

Holy crap, Emily, that is the (best) worst story I've read in a while (ehh, Twilight excluded... although I'm only admitting that ONLINE.) The worst part was just that it was your first experience with speculums and eyes in your nether regions-- full out embarrassment.

[beyond]

laughed so hard i choked on my oatmeal.
every time my obgyn says she's going to 'warm up the speculum a bit' i expect her to stick it under her armpits. but then (thankfully) she just rubs it a bit between her hands.