House Hunters: I have more to say

So if you want to listen to me whine incessantly about parenting two small children and how tired I am and how impatient I am and how proud I am of myself when I do something like complete an entire load of laundry in one day AS WELL AS brush my teeth, please know that I am continuing to blog three times a week at Parents.com. I'm pretty worn out lately (if you already read the Parents site, I would not blame you if you are currently rolling your eyes and screaming your computer screen for me to SHUT UP about it already, since DUH I have had a baby before and shouldn't be so surprised about it) and it's because of my two small children (You: OMG, WE KNOW) and therefore, if I have anything to blog about, it is related to them and my coping mechanisms for getting us all through the day and leaves me very little energy to blog about anything else here. I hope to remedy this situation soon, but it will depend entirely on someone who weighs eight pounds and out-farts the dog, so don't hold your breath. Actually, if you're in the room with us, DEFINITELY hold your breath, because I am so not kidding about the out-farting of the dog. Lucy is the stinkiest baby I have ever been in contact with in my entire life.

Anyway, I want to talk more about House Hunters (remember the conversation we already had?), because I'm still at home a lot (OMG I'M ALWAYS AT HOME ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS HALP), and my background noise of choice continues to be HGTV, which I know you cannot even believe I continue watch if I'm just going to keep complaining about it all the fricking time.

So. If I were to venture a guess, I would confidently estimate that 98 percent of the people featured on House Hunters say the EXACT SAME THINGS when viewing the kitchen/living room area of a home: “This is a great space for entertaining.” Or maybe, “I could see myself here, you know, making the food, while everyone hangs out in there.” Or even, “It's just perfect for big family gatherings!”

And I'm sorry, but what I want to know is exactly how much entertaining are these people REALLY DOING? Are they going to base what is likely the biggest financial decision they will EVER MAKE IN THEIR LIVES on whether it seems like a great place to serve mini quiches and white wine spritzers? And I'm not saying that these people DON'T have friends over a lot or host a fabulous Thanksgiving every year, but even if they threw ONE LOUSY PARTY A WEEK, it still seems like it might make a lot more sense to picture yourself living in that house the way you would the OTHER 164 hours in the week: watching TV on the couch, eating take-out on the coffee table, watching the kids throw toys around the room and get marker on the furniture and spill juice on the carpet. WOULDN'T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE? But no one's doing that! They're all picturing themselves serving cocktails in formal attire amidst their new granite countertops and stainless steel appliances.

Which, incidentally, brings me to granite countertops and stainless steel appliances and how I wish the world (and especially the people on House Hunters) would SHUT UP ABOUT THEM ALREADY. Stainless steel is nice, I agree. It's pretty and shiny, and granite countertops are smooth and fancy and expensive and guess what? I like them, too! But how many times have I watched people wander through houses and discount them completely because they didn't have upgraded countertops or stainless steel appliances even though the rest of the house was PERFECT? People, I am not saying you should have to live with a stove from 1978, but the fact that you simply cannot stomach that black refrigerator because it is not stainless steel, despite the fact that it is BRAND NEW, makes me want to vomit. Do you know how hard it probably is to clean vomit off of stainless steel? You're going to need SPECIAL CLEANERS AND WIPES, even. And yeah, I know no one wants formica countertops anymore, NEITHER DO I, but can we not act like there is nothing remotely appealing about a kitchen unless you can describe the countertops by using the word “slab?” Also, News Flash: You can REPLACE appliances and countertops with VERY LITTLE HASSLE. Last time I checked, they came in all kinds of sizes and plug right into the wall and everything. I know! Can you EVEN BELIEVE IT? Honestly, I'm not even against stainless steel and granite, I just wish it wasn't the Be All End All for making housing decisions while also being featured on national television.

I won't elaborate on my next point (because I'm tired) (You: Seriously, SHUT. IT.) but I'd also like to say that if all you plan on cooking is Pasta Roni and frozen pizza and the occasional batch of frozen mini quiches for your infrequent parties? YOU DON'T NEED A VIKING RANGE. I assure you.

Comments

[Megan]

The first person who says "this kitchen counter looks like it's big enough to have sex on it" will be my new best friend.

And YES to the Viking range! The fancy-pants kitchen is nice, but if you're just making Lean Cuisine, why not just take the money you would splash out on a new kitchen and use it for a nicer bathroom. Or go on a trip. Or expand your closet. You know, spend it on something you actually use.

[AJU5's Mom]

I agree! We were "abnormal" house hunters this last time because we were looking for a house that needed work but had the basic floor plan and room we needed. Even if you don't like the exact layout of the kitchen, you can redo the cabinets for under $40,000 for really good stuff. I get frustrated when they won't consider a house because of the kitchen or bathrooms being dated. Hello - they can be redone if the price of the house is low enough!

[Erin]

Have you also noticed that they practically start DROOLING & hyperventilating over themselves if the house has crown molding? I mean, yes, it is attractive, but I have lived in crown molding-free homes for decades and I must say, I have a relatively pleasant & fulfilling existence NONETHELESS.

[TUWABVB]

I actually had to stop watching that show because it pissed me off so much. My husband is a real estate broker and he would literally scream at the TV when he heard someone say "I don't really like the color of paint in this room." Really? There's this thing called paint, that goes over paint, and it comes in different colors so that you can paint over old paint with a new color! Moron!

[Elizabeth]

Megan's comment made me laugh out loud.

When we bought our house, I chose it specifically because the kitchen was the perfect size for two people, which meant that my husband would be able to help me cook and everyone else would have to stay the hell out. I'm an anti social cook, I guess.

I also really like it when they don't like a house because of the paint colors. OMG. Buy some new paint, you losers!

[Swistle]

OMG YES! They're all, like, "OMG IT MUST BE CURRENTLY EXACTLY AS WE ENVISION, BECAUSE SIGNING A MORTGAGE MEANS AGREEING NEVER TO CHANGE A SINGLE DETAIL!!" We got our house for a very low price because it had 1960s appliances in the kitchen and bathroom. We just ripped that sh*t out and put in new, for less than the difference between the house we bought and the price the house would have been if the previous owners had done that same thing. WAY less.

[Dr. Maureen]

DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE KITCHEN THING. I have been complaining about this for weeks and weeks to anyone who will listen. First of all, I like to tell everyone I meet that I think stainless steel is the Avacado green of the... Aughts? What are we calling this decade? Whatever it is, *I* think that stainless steel is going to look incredibly dated in twenty years. And I want to be seen as prescient, so I am telling everyone. Second, I like granite as much as the next person but why does it HAVE to be granite? I hate how everyone's kitchen has to look exactly the same. It's so annoying to have to think about what complete strangers may or may not like when you redo your house, and I hate how it HAS to be granite or it's CRAP. Argh! And as for the appliances, again, I am with you when I hear the buyers discounting something because of APPLIANCES because they are so easy to replace. It would be nice to think that they are just concerned about the environmental impact of wasting perfectly good appliances, but, somehow, I don't think that's it.

And in response to Erin, I just want to say that crown molding is crazy easy to install. I think *I* could do it singlehandedly as long as I didn't make measuring errors which I am very prone to do. But that is not because measuring is difficult, it's just because I have a curse. My point here is that I agree with you which I think got lost in my rambling about measuring curses.

I also think that people who have lived with craphole kitchens like mine used to be are probably less tolerant of picky kitchen connoisseurs because those people should can it, as the kitchens they are complaining about are FINE.

[sarag herman]

Ok I must admit being a chef I have a beautiful gourmet kitchen with all the bells and whistles, however my house didn't have these when we moved in! I bought the house on the fact that it had a great floor plan and everything else could be redone. i AGREE, people you need to get beyond the barney purple carpet and the avacado appliances and look at the practicality of the space! Everything else can be changed!

[Laura]

I've never seen House Hunters, and yet I agree with everything you have to say!

My father-in-law, who is fond of flipping houses, advised us when we bought our starter home a few years ago that "The ONLY thing you can't change about a house is its location." He's so, so right. You should see our before-and-after pictures.

I faithfully read you both here and at Parents.com, and I have *never* thought to myself "OMG why doesn't she shut up about being tired already?" It's... kind of a huge part of being a new parent. And I would rather read a new entry about how miserably sleep-deprived you are, than click your page to see the same post from a week or so ago.

(Which isn't to say that you'd better drag your sorry butt to the computer just to update for My Pleasure, but just to let you know that I'm always happy to read your entries, even if you don't think they're very interesting.)

(And also, more pictures please. When you have time.)

[NGS]

And can we talk about the master bedroom suite thing? Why do master bedrooms need to be approximately 50% of the square footage of the house? I don't know about you, but all I do in the bedroom is sleep and have sex. Does a bed fit in the room? Maybe a dresser? Okay. Why does it need to have room for a sitting area complete with fancy table and four chairs? Are you entertaining in there? Why do you need a window seat in your bedroom? Are you reading in there? Don't you have a living area for that?

Argh. The master bedroom is always where these shows lose me. I guess we all have strong opinions about these things!!

[Carrie]

I'd just like to say, Amen.

[Cindy]

Oh, my personal peeve is the people who are obsessed with side-by-side sinks in the bathroom. They'll walk into a bathroom that's bigger than my kitchen, then suddenly pull a lemon face and say, "Ohhh... there's only one sink..." Seriously, people, there are real problems in the world! Just learn to share, you'll survive!

[Amanda]

This cracks me up! It's always the people who DON'T EVER COOK who get the best kitchens. I actually entertain A LOT (seriously if I add up the number of parties I was invited to last year by everyone I know and double it? It's still less than the number of parties/dinners I hosted. I like booze, what can I say?!) but I have nothing that even resembles my dream kitchen.

The funny thing is that we looked at the house right next door to us, which is EXACTLY the same house, only they had granite and stainless steel and pretty paint colors, and we STILL bought this house with the ugly tile and the white walls because the yard was three times bigger. You can't remodel the size of your yard, but someday I'll get my double ovens and my viking range and I'LL USE THEM. For ENTERTAINING. ;)

[Michele]

Laura-

OMG...THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT! What difference does it make if you have a master bedroom and a master suite in the great scheme of sleeping and relaxing? All that happens in my master bedroom is sleeping, computer playing, the occassional activity of two healthy adults, and reading.

"Master suites", "this paint color is ugly," and "zomg, NO STAINLESS STEAL or GRANITE?!?!" I'm done with House Hunters.

If people really are that zealous about their home purchases, we'll never sell our home.

[Carolyn]

I've just been reading through your blog at Parents and can I just ask: Are we twins, separated at birth??? Seriously, I also have two small kids (ages 3 and 4 months) and a bathroom cabinet filled with Colic Calm, Gripe Water, and gas drops--none of which actually work, by the way. I have a baby who is colicky on bad days and high-maintenance on good days, and a preschooler who loves me dearly inspite of my severe lack of patience these days. And I am SO TIRED of hearing about stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. I especially LOVE the people who think a kitchen needs to be remodeled because it was built in 2003. (My 1982 kitchen is still working just fine, thank you very much.) Anyway, thanks for putting in to words how I've been feeling lately, and reminding me that I'm not alone in this parenting thing. And thank you for not being another one of those moms who says, "Oh, my baby only cries when she's hungry." I hope we both get some sleep tonight--and yes, I haven't had a full night sleep in 4 MONTHS. Ugh. But now I have to go because Divine Design will be on soon.

[maggie]

I've got all that stuff in my kitchen (which I love, am not complaining) but if I were Independently Wealthy and knew a few handsome contractors and also did not have children to feed three times a day, it would look TOTALLY DIFFERENT. And not have any stainless steel OR granite. So. Other side, greener, all that.

And when I think about what house we'll live in next, I am all about the entertaining. I know that is incredibly not sensible, but I can't help it. My house, which is exactly big enough for us, is CRAP for entertaining AND I HATE THAT HATE HATE HATE. I promise to not go on House Hunters, how about that?

[amy]

I agree with all that you said, and with the comments about the "master suite." It always makes me mad, like, just because your agent CALLED it "the master suite" does NOT mean you have to put your bed in there. I especially hate this when the (childless) couples are looking at 4-bedroom houses with gigantic, incredible, finished basements that contain a HUGE bedroom that's going to be unused. THINK, DUMBASSES, is all I'm saying.

(Also, they never pick the house I would've picked. I can't get over that.)

[Kimmers]

Ohhhh this is so true. The master suite sitting areas have always baffled me, as I can't seem to imagine a scenario in which that area makes any sort of sense.

As for the kitchens, I like granite or silestone because it's easy to clean and very, very difficult to burn or stain, and I'm extremely clumsy in the kitchen. But I would *never* not buy a house based on an outdated kitchen. All that really means is that you're probably getting the house for a good price! Upgrade later for gods sake.

My biggest House Hunters pet peeve is the people who LOVE every. single. house. the damn realtor shows them. I mean really?? If you're so damn easy to please what's with needing to go on the show?!

[Tracy]

I continue to watch the show even though several things about it drive me crazy and I am ridiculously excited to tell someone about it.

1. How often they want an office. What the hell are they doing at home, go to work already.
2. That the men will want a "man room" or "man cave." That is so stupid and it drives me insande
3. How much space they are ALWAYS talking about. If 3000 square feet is not enough you have real problems

End rant.

[Parsing Nonsense]

I'm not quite sure how you do this, but you make incandescent rage very very funny.

[Marin]

All I ever think about when people wax on and on and on about the stainless! steel! is how hard it's going to be to clean. It was probably one of the guests who ate the mini quiches who made it dirty, anyway.

[Amy H]

hahahaha. *spits out water in fit of laughter*

[Kate]

I TOTALLY agree. I am always yelling at the TV asking these people "Who do you think you are?" and "What is WRONG with you?" when they say that about the granite. My second complaint is when people feel the need to comment about wallpaper or paint color that is not to their liking. "Oh, we'd have to do something about this wall color!" Because duh. The show drives me nuts. And yet I continue to watch.

[Meg]

UGH! The master suite thing is my breaking point!! Will they be "entertaining" in there as well? Is that why they need a sitting area, coffee table, and 42 sinks? It's a little disturbing to say the least. What kind of homes did these people grow up in that they find formica countertops so disgusting? It always ends the same way though. They pick the crappy, most expensive house and the decorate it with dorm room furniture and cheap paintings of Tuscany and vintage Italian ad posters (framed, of course!. So frustrating!

[Kristen]

I often find myself hoping that they get their offers thrown back in their faces and end up unable to find a home and living out of a cardboard box. Which, you guessed it, WILL NOT have stainless steel appliances or granite countertops. HA! Suckers.

Does that make me a bad person? See if I care.