Blog as soapbox

On Monday I was all geared up to sit down and write a post about how I had fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon and have been eating my weight in whatever is lying around that is made of chocolate and/or fried in oil and/or is a carbohydrate and also how it has been so cold and windy (don’t you think windy is just the worst kind of weather?) that I haven’t exercised as much as I usually do and then I thought, well, I suppose I should go ahead and climb onto the scale and see what the actual damage is so I can be PRECISE and EXACTING when I tell the Internet about my gigantic, candy-flavored failure.

Except the scale said I hadn’t gained any weight.

So I (rather lazily) posted a bunch of cute pictures of Asher and then I danced around the house for the duration of his naptime because SOMEHOW I AM CHEATING THE SYSTEM AND STILL COMING OUT ON TOP. I am suddenly in possession of The Miracle Body, and now I am headed out to buy some lottery tickets and a one-way flight to Vegas because I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST PERSON ALIVE.

For the record, this week I have eased off the binging and have only ingested seven (7) oatmeal chocolate chip cookies since Monday. Trust me, the caloric content of these (relatively small) seven cookies PALES IN COMPARISON to what I ate last week, so I’m on the mend. Hands down the hardest thing about Weight Watchers (or any healthy eating plan/lifestyle change, for that matter) continues to be allowing myself to indulge a little without making it a habit. I always have a hard time reeling myself back in, but I am determined to do it. Because I already gave away all my fat clothes.

Honestly, that’s the most exciting thing I’ve got going on. Right now I feel like our lives are in a holding pattern until further notice. Winter is dragging on (AND ON AND ON); the kitchen remodel is a couple of months away; there’s been an Official Decision made about Baby Number Two but nothing to show for it yet. Speaking of which…

After the miscarriage back in November, Dave asked me whether I would share the news of a pregnancy on my website as early as I did the last time. I said then that I thought I would. He said, however, that if it were up to him, he would rather I wait until we made sure everything was going to be fine before saying anything.

I respect Dave’s opinion more than anyone else’s in the entire world, obviously. But his reasoning for not wanting to say anything until we were given the Pregnancy Green Light is that having to tell people that the pregnancy had ended made it very awkward for both him and the people he had to tell it to. And I get that, because it IS a (to quote Tessie) Nervous Tummy situation, but Dave is so private that the only people he had to tell about the miscarriage the last time were his mom and his two best friends.

My own personal thought was that no matter how far along you are in a pregnancy, SOMETHING BAD COULD ALWAYS HAPPEN. It’s just the way things are. You can lose a baby at 8 weeks and you can lose a baby full-term. It’s obviously not as likely, but it can happen. You’re never totally safe. I mean, granted, that’s not exactly the attitude to adopt for Everyday Living or anything, but it is one of the reasons I feel okay about sharing about another pregnancy just as early as I did last time, and the time before that. If I found out I had cancer, I wouldn’t wait until I found out if I was going to survive before writing about it. To me, just because you can’t predict the outcome yet doesn’t mean you should pretend it’s not happening.

Also, I look at this blog as a record of my life, and I love that I can look back at my archives and see what was really happening to me at that moment in time. In 30 years from now, will I look back at my writing and feel awkward or uncomfortable that I had to tell a lot of people that I had a failed pregnancy or will I feel thankful that I took the time to write about it and to work through it and to receive well-meaning, wonderful, supportive comments from friends and complete strangers?

And I realize that last paragraph makes it sound like a failed pregnancy is something to be embarrassed or ashamed of, and that’s another reason why I want to write honestly about it—because I want people to know that it happens, and that no one should feel alone when it happens to them. I don’t think miscarriage should have to be a dirty little secret. I certainly think you have every right to make it a private experience if you want to, but I also think that if you have the strength to get your story out there, it can only do good as far as helping others understand it better.

We want another baby. We feel ready for another baby. And I am sure I want to be honest about the journey we have to take to get there.

Comments

[Nicol]

I must say that I agree with both of you. My dh is also a very private person and I am a little more open. It certainly is something that you both must agree on. It took us 7 years to get pregnant with my daughter (almost 1 yr) and we waited until I had been to the doctor to announce to family. I was terrified that it wouldn't be real. I think the second time around, I would probably announce sooner.

Keep up with the weight watchers. I understand how hard it can be. I am either really good at working out or at eating; I simply can't be good at both.

[Jennie]

What a great post! My husband and I wanted until the second trimester to tell anybody we were pregnant. Afterward I did question what was basically my decision, because if something had gone wrong with the pregnancy I would have actually needed the support of my friends and family.

And not to rain on your parade, but sometimes after eating more than any self-respecting individual should, I don't seem to gain weight either. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, several days or even weeks later, those extra pounds just show up on the scale. And do not go away. Ever. Why, Internet, why?

[JP]

Windy is the worst. It just seems to cut right through you and pummels your exposed skin with dry air. That's why I don't work out outside when it's cold. :) (Or hot, because I hate to sweat.)

I've been through the binging stage without gaining weight. It's pretty sweet and is usually followed with a period of regret capped off by lots of fruits, veggies and whole grains. They are a huge let-down after delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Did you make the cookies yourself? I'm looking for a good recipe!

[KATHY V]

I can understand the need to tell people about a pregnancy and to not tell them. I started my blog in November after a miscarriage last April. It gave the me chance to work out my feelings and emotions. When I saw the two lines again just recently the internet knows but we are holding off to tell the family till after a doctor's appt. So only the internet knows unless someone outside the internet found my blog. You post it when it is right for you. Plus it is good to know whether good or bad that people have your back and will support you either way.

[Wendy]

I agree with you on the pregnancy news; on the first we waited until around 14 weeks to tell ANYONE so that our parents would respectfully be the very first to know on Christmas...and following an early MC previously I wanted to wait to tell. My husband sounds about like Dave - he told his mom and a good friend of ours. If you've got a secret that you've just got to tell someone, he's your man.

The second time around we just decided to wait until I'd seen a heartbeat at the midwives' office. It made me feel better since I wasn't having really extreme symptoms (and didn't the first time, either). I'm almost ten weeks now and we just told our parents last night.

It's much harder to wait the second time around in my opinion. Sharing with friends a few weeks ago was the best feeling ever. They understood my anxiety about having two 15 months apart...and they have put a smile on my face when I needed one. I also like to remember that I'll be done being pregnant by 30 when some of them are just starting with #1.

As for the Weight Watchers, I applaud you for sticking to it! I contemplated joining and didn't...and now I'm about ten pounds over my last pre-pregnancy weight and pregnant again. Everyone says I'll just be able to lose it by chasing the two of them around and won't have time to eat. Wow, can't wait for that (she said in her Debbie Downer voice).

Good pregnancy luck to you from Fertile Mertile and my other half who apparently has really strong swimmers!

[Melissa Rhinolegs]

fantastic post! i'm with you whole-heartedly, especially your last point about de-stigmatizing miscarriage.

i haven't had to deal with any of this yet, but as my husband and i have contemplated having a baby in the next few years, i've pretty much decided that i want to let people know about all of it -- ups and downs, as they may occur, both so i have support in the event something goes wrong, and so that others (friends, family, internet peoples, whatever) know that, if something goes wrong, they are not alone and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

[Tessie]

I'm a tell-right-away type myself. I feel like if I DON'T tell, and then something happens, it's going to be MORE awk and Nervous Tummy, because I'll have to "talk around" it, since I never mentioned it to begin with, and then it'll probably come up at some point anyway. And that is the most nonsensical paragraph I have ever typed.

Good talk.

[kirida]

I love my blog for the reason that it is a running account of my life and I'm grateful that I haven't greatly censored myself for that reason. I could never keep all of those memories in my brain--I wouldn't have enough room for things like my name.

[my life is brilliant]

I totally agree with you on the wind. Ick!

That's exciting that you're ready to try for Baby #2.

I hate that things worked out that way for you before, but I think it was wonderful and courageous of you to share that experience and to write about it on here. Just reading the comments on that post proved how helpful it was to so many of the women who read your blog. I sincerely hope that you don't have to worry about any of that again.

I'm excited for you that you're getting ready for this step!

[Shanna Allen]

I love reading your blog! I can always relate to your trials and tribulations. I agree that this was a great post. I am definately a "tell" person. When we were pregnant with my son we found out that we were expecting very late in the game and then he was born very early! So, in hindsight I feel so blessed that we had the opportunity to share the news with our family. I really needed their support while our son was in the hospital. Pregnancy is such a blessing but it is also so scary and earth shattering. I cannot imagine going through all those emotions alone. Well anyway, good luck "planning" for number 2!

[Shanna Allen]

Also, just redouble your weight loss efforts! One week of overindulgance will not a "fatty patty" make. But it would be a shame to have all those cute new clothes and not be able to wear them!

[infertility just sucks]

For me, each person I tell before 12 weeks is just another in a list of people that I might have to "un-tell."

It's that idea of doing the work of un-telling people that I hate.

We were pregnant with twins and just lost one of them on Monday. Granted I'm only about 9 weeks and these things happen at this stage but it was difficult to tell the small group that knew. It was awkward - being sad but still upbeat since one was still there.

Now I don't want to tell anyone else about the remaining baby until I'm a bit more certain that it will stick around.

Husband, on the other hand is going to pop if we don't start telling people.

It's tough to balance.

[Kathryn]

I've been reading your blog for a while now, but I don't think I've ever commented. Thank you so much for this post, especially the part about when to announce a pregnancy. I'm currently eight weeks, and my husband and I have told quite a few people. The weirdest (and perhaps rudest) response we've had is people lecturing us that we should wait until after the first trimester before telling anyone. I just tell people, "Well, if something happens, I'll announce that too." I love being able to share this beautiful moment with our family and friends, and if 'something' does happen, I'll most definitely need their love and support.

I love your blog. Thanks for sharing.

[Duchess]

Thank you so much for the last part of this post. I had an ectopic at the end of 2006 and I am now pregnant for the second time. I am only about 4 minutes along but I like to have a record so I announced it on my blog. my husband decided that he wanted EVE.RY.ONE to know ASAP. I have spent the better part of the morning freaking out because I am scared to "fail" at this again.

[Christie]

Great post, Emily! This one is newspaper-column worthy. You really ought to publish these, like John Grogan did with his Philadelphia Inquirer columns. (He's the author of Marley & Me, the greatest book ever written.)

[Susan]

I like that you are honest. I can relate to you and I like that. I know other people appreciate your honesty also. That's why we read you. I wish you the best of luck with continuing to make amends with eating cookies (I hear you on that one) and with the journey for a baby. I look forward to hearing all about it!!
P.S. Sorry about that blank post. I hit enter by accident.

[annie]

Today, as Christopher and I were sharing our Mac-n-cheese for lunch, the thought popped into my head, "I wonder if Emily is pregnant and she's not saying anything until 3 months." I don't know why I thought this. Perhaps because my subconscious is keenly aware that after lunchtime comes naptime and naptime translates into blog time and yours is the first I check each day. Anyway. In our house we've always (well, both times now) told people immediately. Our theory is that the more people who know, the more people who can pray for your health and the baby's health. Yes, I've worried about how I would handle it if I had to tell all of those same people that something had happened. But then all of those same people can be praying for you still - for peace and healing. I look forward to hearing your news whenever it comes. :-)

[winomom]

1. You really shouldn't tell people trying to lose weight that you ate ALL THAT and gained NOTHING. As cute as you are, you might have to be hated. Not that I'd ever hate you. Just saying. It really is cause for women to get their claws out. Not that I'd get my claws out. Again. Just saying. I mean, honesty is really good, but gaaaah. I'm all jealous now. Not hateful. Jealous.

2. Many many blessings on achieving baby number 2. And for the good outcome of said venture. I'm no good at hanging on to info like that, all to myself, either. I had to tell someone so badly when our #2 was confirmed on the way, and had to wait for WinoDad to get home from work, that I told the first person I saw. Our 14 month old son. He thinks it's cool he heard it first, all these years later (he's now 12, and she, number 2, is 10). Wanting and waiting to become pregnant *can* be such a sweet time.

[halloweenlover]

Everytime you talk about WW, I kick myself for not joining because I REALLY need to lose another 10 pounds before I feel comfortable. I feel like I'm just never going to get there unless I really make a serious effort like joining WW.

On the telling vs. not telling, we started telling around 8 weeks, but only a couple of people if they pointedly asked, and I got the rudest responses! I couldn't believe it! I feel like it is everyone's prerogative to decide when and if they tell people, and for people to react negatively is so unbelievably rude. We actually had a woman sigh and tell me sympathetically that she would NEVER have told that early, but she'd keep fingers crossed for me. What the @*&#@? Anyway, all this to say that I agree and am very excited for you and can't wait to hear news. I am holding off for a couple more months because GOOD LORD, this child has gotten more difficult the last couple of weeks. Who knew they got harder?

PS- where do you get good cookies? I'm always on the lookout.

[J]

I started reading your blog last month and caught up on the recent events in your life...I had a "chemical pregnancy" in November, right after getting married, and as swiftly as I was surprised with the positive test, the rug was swept out from under us. We hadn't told anyone, and I did spend the next month filling everyone in retroactively. Now I'm over 9 weeks along with the real thing and feeling exactly as you describe in your post: there is no such thing as a sure thing, so all I can do is garner the support I'll use come good or bad news. Thanks for writing about your miscarriage; simply put, it comforted me. And I am very sorry that you had to go through it.

[Ashley]

I agree, 100%. We had an early miscarriage, and nobody knew that I was pregnant. I told a handful of people AFTER the miscarriage, because I was a total wreck. But I feel like I owed my first baby the joy of sharing it's existence with others. Does that make sense? I wish my family/friends could have been excited and happy for that baby. Instead, they only got to feel the negative after-effect of emotions. ANYWAYS, can't wait to hear about the (hopefully short) journey to #2!

[maggie]

I'm with Tessie's comment 100%. Although I haven't experienced the other side to truly know.

I didn't tell the internet forever because there were so many people we had to tell who shouldn't find out via blog. Damn not-private blog.

[Melani]

I've had three miscarriages. The first two we told people about the pregnancy right away. It was hard having to tell everyone about the miscarriage. The third pregnancy, we didn't tell anyone so when I miscarried, there was no one to tell. The problem was, people didn't understand why I didn't feel "social" or why I was a hermit for a little while.

I think both ways are really difficult--just for different reasons.

That said, I would have a hard time telling people if my husband was really uncomfortable with it.

I hope that you are able to celebrate (whether privately or publicly) very soon.

[L*Joy]

emily
thank you for your honesty. Of course you respect Dave's opinion more than anyone, but some people process externally and others internally. Coming to a place where you both feel comfortable is a challenge but a beautiful part of marriage; I am confident that your love for one another will guide you in that decision.
some people on this earth have been blessed with the responsibility to lay it all out there because, like you said, it could help someone else process their own experiences.
you have been given the gift of writing and expression, and as uncomfortable and hard as it is to be so honest; I am grateful that you are.
L*Joy

[Ashley]

I completely understand aprehension about such a private thing...but I will say that as a reader, your honesty about your life and the events that occur is completely refreshing and what makes your writing so wonderful.

good luck on this next journey!