The most honest I've ever been with the Internet

Asher is now almost six weeks old. I’m still breastfeeding.

I made it to three weeks, and then four, and then to the 30-day marker. I’m still taking it one day at a time. But the truth is, it’s getting even harder.

A few weeks ago, when I posted this, I was still in shock that breastfeeding could be so time-consuming. When I was pregnant, everything I read about nursing a baby stressed the mechanics—so I committed latching techniques to memory and imagined I would favor the traditional cradle hold as opposed to the football one. I knew all about sore nipples and leaking breasts and engorgement. I had gathered an enormous amount of head knowledge about breastfeeding. I didn’t know I would feel chained to the baby, fused to the couch (hey, it happens), horrified by the idea of YET ANOTHER FEEDING, what has it been, 15 minutes since I took him off my boob?

Asher is great at taking bottles. He will take them from me or from Dave or from my mom—he’d take one from Hambone if he offered. He doesn’t care what’s in it (breastmilk or formula) or the temperature at which it is served to him. Those bottles have earned me a few extra minutes, sometimes hours, of freedom and I have fully appreciated it. It has kept me sane, kept me happy, made it possible for me to shop for a pair of pants I can actually zip this post-partum body into comfortably. But the time suck of breastfeeding and the temporary loss of my independence isn’t what I’m struggling with anymore.

Lately I can’t seem to satisfy Asher’s hunger no matter how much we nurse. And yet I’m confident that I’m making enough milk.

Our nursing sessions sometimes last 50 minutes. I spend the entire time rubbing his back, tickling his feet, caressing the back of his little neck to keep him awake. But he never gets enough to eat. He becomes angry and fussy each and every time I finish nursing him. Because he’s still hungry.

I find that he acts rather contented and happy after sucking back a bottle.

My personal diagnosis is that he’s merely a lazy nurser. He’s content to linger at the boob where it’s both comfortable and conducive to falling into a deep, blissful slumber.

Which means that I’m left with only a few options that will save my sanity: pump, formula-feed or combine the two. Because nothing is more demoralizing or frustrating than feeding him for what feels like an entire productive hour only to have to go running to the kitchen 15 minutes later to grab a supplement to squelch the screams of a hungry, writhing baby. I’ve read enough to know that supplementing can mess with your milk supply relatively quickly, but after an hour of feeding, the last thing I want to do is stick my baby back on my boob to repeat the entire unproductive process all over again.

I cry a lot lately.

I cry because I don’t know what to do.

I don’t have anything against formula. I myself was a formula-fed baby. I have encouraged many of my friends who were struggling with breastfeeding by reminding them that a happy mom makes a happy baby—as many of you similarly encouraged me—even if that meant switching to formula. I do not think formula is evil or disgusting or a sign of failure. I really don’t.

So why is it so hard to imagine doing it myself? Why have I attached a stigma to feeding formula to my own baby and not the babies of others?

I can’t figure out where the pressure to make this work is coming from, despite the fact that—and I am being oh so open and honest with you, Internet—I think about quitting every minute of every day. Sometimes I wish my milk would just dry up. Sometimes I wish Asher would just refuse to take the breast. Sometimes I wish I would get some kind of breast infection that would render me unable to nurse. (I know. I said I was being honest.)

I guess the truth is that I wish this was a decision that someone else could make for me. Because I think that person would tell me that the way I’m torturing myself isn’t worth it. And that person would be totally right.

I don’t know why I’m so afraid of quitting. I think part of me wonders whether what I’m going through is appropriate grounds for quitting. Haven’t other people continued to make breastfeeding work for them through much more difficult circumstances? I haven’t had so much as a blocked duct, while other people are fighting to breastfeed their children through mastitis and breast aversions and cracked and bleeding nipples. Am I afraid of what these other people will think? Because I know in my heart that this decision is about me and Asher and no one else. I KNOW that. No one else has to be privileged to that information.

I’m guess I’m afraid of giving up without fighting hard enough. I think what I really want is an official way to measure my effort; for someone with some kind of Breastfeeding Authority to say to me, you know? If you make it to six weeks and you really, truly are struggling, then it’s ok to quit.

And then I know I will wonder what if I had just held on a few more weeks? Would Asher’s lazy nursing skills miraculously improve? Would we have gone on to have a fulfilling, meaningful breastfeeding relationship? Did I quit because I’m selfish and didn’t put the benefits of breastfeeding to my son before the benefits of quitting to myself?

Would I have managed to breastfeed my way down to a size 6?

Just kidding. Had to throw that in there. Does anyone else think it’s getting a little deep in here?

Gah.

Will Asher miss the act of nursing even though he’s not even six weeks old? The thought of that tears my heart out. And how does one even physically go about the process of weaning at six weeks? Questions I do not know the answers to should I decide to stop. If I decide to stop.

When I decide to stop.

Because I think that’s what I’m doing. What I’m trying to talk myself into. What I want so desperately to be ok with.

*   *   *   *   *

Last night, Dave and I talked after I wrote the bulk of this post. (This very, very therapeutic post that I wasn’t sure I would publish.) I cried, he held me, I admitted that I wasn’t sure whether I had fought hard enough and that I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me for quitting.

But he doesn’t care about that. He wants his wife back. He wants ME back—the girl who smiles when he comes home from work, who remembers to kiss him goodnight every evening, who laughs and jokes and doesn’t spend her entire day worrying herself sick about feeding the baby.

He wants me to be able to enjoy our new life together; our new family. He wants me to love being with Asher. I want that too.

I think I would be able to get over any regret I had about not continuing to breastfeed. But I know I would regret missing out on this time with my family.

Comments

[Robbi]

Oh honey, I can tell by the sound of this post that you are ready to be done. I think it is wonderful that you made it six weeks. I didn't even make it two days. And your husband is right, I think if you let it go, you will be much happier. Good luck :)

[Blythe]

Thanks, Emily for being so honest. You'll make the right decision for your family. I don't have my own baby yet (8 weeks and counting) so I can't give you any advice; I just want you to know that I've followed your story for the past months and so appreciate your sincerity. Your love for Asher and your willingness to sacrifice for him is clear, and it seems to me you, too, can do nothing better for him than to give him a happy mother. Take care - of all four of you (Hambone too). I look forward to reading about the next steps in your adventure. (And looking at more adorable baby photos - because he _is_ absolutely adorable.)

[C.]

It doesnt work for everyone. You gave it a go and it doesnt work for your family. Breastfeeding isnt the end all be all.

[Melissa]

I felt the same way from day one. I guilted myself into breastfeeding another day, and then another. I cried. A lot. And one morning Oliver stared up at me as tears rolled down my face, and paused from sucking with a little worried expression with his eyebrows. I decided I'd rather deal with the guilt of quitting than the guilt of letting my baby watch me cry as he nursed.

Beginning on Oliver's 4-week birthday, I began to wean him by replacing one feeding with a bottle for a few days, then two feedings for a few days, etc. On his 6-week birthday I only breastfed him once, and that was the last time. I don't regret it, and I don't think Oliver minds either. He smiles more than ever and I'd like to think that partly because he sees me smiling so much too.

Whatever you decide to do and however you do it, you're an awesome mother, and deep down you know that Asher loves you for more than your boobs. :)

[Bunny]

You are a great mother and we have all been there in those dark moments of frustration whether it be about breastfeeding or whatever. You and Dave need to make the decisions that are best for you and your family. I have found that breastfeeding was the right thing for me with my two. As they get older they are less needy. Six weeks is still a very very young baby. Have you talked to your pediatrician or maybe a lactation consultant or even your OB or midwife? They can often offer a professional opinion and help you to weigh the options. For ME, I chose not to supplement with formula because I didn't want to supplement just to make my life more convenient. (This is how I felt for ME) Perhaps for you and Asher switching to full-time bottles would be the best. But I would advise you to take it slow and day by day. He is so little and you two are still just learning that your bodies are not one. It is a hard road, with a newborn. I have done it twice and I wish I had some golden words of wisdom that would make it easier, but I don't. So, I guess after all my rambling, please know you are not alone. We have all had those dark moments where we cry in our husband's lap wondering if we are good enough. It is hard, but you are!

[maggie]

First off, have you tried a lactation consultant? I thought I was going to be in your shoes, but I just kept at it, and pumping and trying to nurse. My babe was a terrible nurser, so mostly I pumped for her. The crazy thing is, eventually she figured it out, and only just quit last week. Actually, I started refusing last week. And she keeps asking. And she turned three last week. I'm not saying that it's what you should do, but I'm sure surprised that, given our dreadful start on the nursing thing, that she kept it up for so long. Good luck, and what ever you do is right. (PS sorry if this is less than well articulated; said three year old is pestering...)

[Edge]

It sounds like you are looking at this as a black/white all or nothing issue. If sitting on the couch for an hour is tough on you, then just pump. I would stick with the breast milk though. If you are losing your sanity by having him stuck to your boob all day, change. No one thinks less of you. My wife went back to school to teach and pumped and she pumped before she went back. My daughter just couldn't or wouldn't latch on. So? It's not the same for everyone. But the breast milk is good and last for 9 months if frozen. It's good for the baby. Just pump and give him a bottle. No one thinks less of you.

~Jef

[Ida]

I quit at 4 weeks and I think it was the best thing for me and my family as well. I too cried during most feedings. And my son was satisfied after feedings. It just wasn't for me. I never really had to wean him because he was so young. You probably won't have to wean Asher either. Just yourself!! :) I pumped myself dry and then when I would get in the shower I would "push" some of the milk out. I never got engorged.

In the end do what both you and Dave think is best for your family. My advice to you is what my son's doctor told me. (I needed HIS approval to quit.) "I'd rather you be consumed with you baby than how he is getting fed. If it's taking over your life than your not being who you need to be for him." I cried when he told me that and said thank you. I quit that day.

[Dee Dee]

First, I think that you should consult a lactation consultant. There are ones out there that are not nursing nazis. I don't think that you should give it up without talking to someone professional in the boob field who might have a quick fix.

Second, you do need to do what is best for you and your family. Formula is OK! They even make organic now.

[jonniker]

You are making the right decision, whatever decision that is. Dude, you are beating the bag out of yourself! No need! Asher is loved. You're loved. This will work out, as long as you preserve your sanity by doing what's best for yourself, even if it's all-formula, all the time. There is not a single thing wrong with that, because pumping isn't for everyone either, so please don't pump yourself into madness, either. Much love to you.

[Heidi T]

Definitely try the lactation consultant if you can. My daughter was a lazy nurser, but after se hit about 12 pounds, she got tons better!!!

[beth]

i'm a lurker. first off, congrats, Asher is a beautiful baby. Second,i nursed my son for 6 weeks and then we swtiched to forumla. i hated breast feeding, my son hated breast feeding. we loved bottle feeeding, he was happy and i was happy. Today, 13 years later, it doesn't really matter whether it was forumla or breast milk. What's really important is that my son and i have a strong bond and a great relationship. when i think back to his first few months, they are happy memories of when we were able to connect because he was well fed and happy and i was relaxed and able to enjoy him without stressing about oh god another (&$%&$ feeding. that's just my two cents worth. it's hard as a first time, sleep deprived mom to 'do what feels right'.... wouldn't it be nice if they came with owner's manuals??

best wishes..

[Anne]

I wish you well with whatever road you decide to travel. Breastfeeding does take a lot out of you, especially in those super-hormonal postpartum weeks, especially with a baby that came a bit early, and especially since you are the only one who can do it. We're all rooting for you, no matter what! I was just reflecting back on the last 14 months of breastfeeding since I'm thinking about weaning in order to get pregnant again, and wished that breastfeeding began super easy and got progressively harder over time so it'd be easier for me to decide to quit. I don't think it's ever easy to quit breastfeeding, no matter what age you baby is. It's definitely taking a lot of soul-searching on my part. Good luck.

[Kristin]

Ohhh. You are TOTALLY making the right decision. Asher will grow up perfectly healthy on formula OR pumped milk, and it doesn't mean you love him any less. I know how hard a decision it is to make; I was making it just a couple of months ago. I wish I could leave a picture of my baby in this comment so you could see how healthy Ryan is, and he's been supplemented with formula since his very first day of life. He's perfectly healthy, and much happier than your average baby.
I hope this isn't too personal to talk about on your blog (although talking about your boobs probably tops this! :) but reading your last couple of posts reminded me so much of how I felt in the first few weeks. Especially when you said Dave wants his happy wife back. It took me a while to figure it out, but I had some pretty serious post-partum depression after Ryan was born. I felt like I was chained to him, I panicked when my husband left us alone because I didn't think I could do it, and nighttime was the worst. When I went to bed, I actually tried to pretend I never had a baby. My poor husband had to do all the nighttime feedings in the first few weeks, because I would just lie in bed and cry.
When my doctor called to check in, I casually mentioned how sad I was, and they intervened immediately. Once I started taking medication, I was like a whole different person. I wanted to spend time with Ryan and I cherished the time I had with him. I felt like me again. Oh, and I hated Tom Cruise.
Obviously I'm not a doctor and I don't even know you except by reading your blog, but it can't hurt to talk to someone. Mention it to your doctor, they actually have a pretty specific method of diagnosing PPD. And if you ever want to talk to someone who's been through it, feel free to email me.
I hope things get better! I honestly cried reading your last couple of posts. It was so familiar.

[Maureen]

Emily, you are a superhero for sticking it out as long as you have! Jack has been a champion nurser since hour 1 and can now go 2.5-3.5 hours between feedings and I STILL feel somewhat chained to him and the couch. Keep telling yourself what you would tell someone else, which is that every family needs to make the best decision for THEM and that Asher would rather have formula and a happy mom than breastmilk and a miserable mom. Remember, as long as he feels loved it will all work out. He'll be fine.

[Alexis]

Emily,
After reading the other posts I'm not sure I have much to add. I do know what you are feeling though. For me, nursing has turned out to be much more of an emotional connection than a physical (meet the baby's need for hunger) one. Let me say, also, that I was WAY freaked out about nursing before having Caleb...he's going to suck on my boob?!?!As a result, my contemplation about "the nursing or not" issue has been more in my heart than in my head. I still haven't made a decision and Caleb is going to be 6 months soon...6 months of my life not coming even close to resembeling its old way - I used to be so structured and organized and able to multi-task! I guess the only thing I keep telling myself is that even if the nursing goes on for a year (and I'm chained to the boppy for 6 more months), before I know it Caleb will be able to feed himself and those sweet moments I have with him now - where it's just him and me linked together like we were for 9 LONG months - will be over. All that to say, you are the best mommy for Asher and he needs you - not just your boobs. Whatever you decide will be good and right and fine. You are in my prayers.

[Frema]

You sound like a wonderful mother, Emily. Don't worry about what we think but what's going to help you enjoy your little boy.

We're all rooting for you.

[Salome Ellen]

Emily- Did you read that babies go through a growh spurt and eat constantly for a few days at about six weeks? If you still feel this way next week, then QUIT. But it may.. be temporary. Remember that 10 minutes feels like an eternity when you're sleep deprived.

[Sheila]

Sticking my neck out a bit here, in a possible faux-pas of assvice for you, but here goes (all in the spirit of trying to be helpful):

Please don't forget that nursing is not an all-or-nothing endeavor. If you like the idea of Asher getting breastmilk, and if you don't mind SOME feedings, just not ALL DAY feedings, you can totally wean yourself down to one or two nursing sessions a day-- maybe morning and evening, or perhaps just nighttime wakings-- and feed him with bottles the rest of the time. At this point, it's what you should do anyway if your decision is to go to completely formula from bottles. Quitting nursing cold turkey is NOT fun, nor is it advisable. I did it once, and my breasts are still mad at me. It HURTS. So, maybe you will find as you work your way down in number of feedings (if that is what you are choosing) that there is a balance between breast and bottle that you can live with. I hope that makes sense.

Whatever you choose, Asher will be fine. It sounds like you've got great support, and I think you'll be fine, too. But the guilt? The uncertainty? The wanting answers to be written in the sky for you? That is pretty much with you to stay. Welcome to parenthood.

[Jen]

Not sure if I have much to add to what everyone else has said, but I'll just say this: Do what will ultimately make you happiest. If you're miserable, Asher will surely be unhappy and of course your husband can tell it's hard on you. I think that the whole breastfeeding thing is ridiculous, the pressure that comes with it. It's like so much else in life- what works for Person A is not going to work for Person B. And girl, if you're this upset then something is definitely not working!!

If you want to quit, quit! Or even try one of the middle-of-the-road ideas a few girls posted up there. No matter what, we'll all still love you! :)

[Amanda]

Asher deserves a happy mother more than anything else. That said, I totally think you should quit nursing. And I'm a huge nursing nazi. (I named my website after my boobmilk!)

From the time you first started talking about this, it sent red flags up everywhere for me. If bottle feeding helps you avoid PPD, then it's absolutely worth it and also the best thing for Asher.

Six weeks is a good, hearty try. Don't beat yourself up about it!

[jes]

I have no formal training in Breastfeeding Authority. But I think it's obvious that you're having a hard time with this decision. Ultimately, it's your decision to make. And I think you'll make the right decision for your family.

I've heard that each baby (if you're planning on having more that one) is a different nurser. Some are lazy nursers, some aren't.

Do what's best for you, and know that the closeness of your relationship with Asher won't be harmed by switching to pumping or formula.

And, know that you'll be supported, through Dave, your family, and your Internets, every step of the way.

[Shannan]

I just had a baby too and had a bit of trouble with over engorgement and she couldn't suck, so I tried silicone nipple shields and she seems to get much more through them and holds on easier. I only use them when I have to now. Just thought it might be worth a last ditch effort if you haven't already tried them. They turn your boob into a bottle really.

[vest]

Sometimes I wish the Breastfeeding Police would go easy...what pressure to put on new parents! Breastfeeding is only the best option when it works for both the mother AND the child. There is no shame in giving up, especially after you've tried so hard. If giving Asher formula can make you feel happier, do it! Lots of babies are formula fed (hey, yourself included) and they turn out just fine. It just isn't worth sacrificing your mental health for. ((hugs))

[Angela]

Girl, you've just got to do what works for you. I have no clue if I was bottlefed or nursed my whole babyhood, and it really hasn't impacted me one way or another over the past 23 years. Thank you for your honesty, and for sharing your stories.