Seven Quick Child-Related Takes

One: Asher will be three years old on Saturday. I had heard – from many reliable sources - that three would be a challenge. Unfortunately, all my reliable sources have proven accurate. Lately everything is cause for whining and fit-throwing. Changing diapers. Going to bed. Taking a nap. Going downstairs in the morning, going upstairs at night. Eating breakfast, lunch, dinner. Leaving Target or the playground or the bathtub. Walking from room to room. “You need help!” he cries constantly, in a desperate voice that you'd probably believe if you heard it shouted from the banks of a raging river instead of from where he ACTUALLY is, which is on the far side of the train table, where one of the trains he has made from an engine and 15 cars topples off a bridge. “Make smaller trains and this won't happen!” we say. “YOU NEED HELP MAKING A SMALLER TRAIN,” he whines, which is a lie, an outright LIE. Last time I checked, if you can make a long train? YOU CAN PROBABLY MAKE A SMALL ONE. “You know how to make a smaller train,” we encourage him. “You're GOOD at it!” we say. “Mama do it,” he replies. And then, as if we hadn't heard him the previous 8,500 times, “You need heeeeellllllllp.” Then, because I'm stubborn too, you know, I demand the word PLEASE and... well. That's when he starts KICKING AND WRITHING ON THE FLOOR. Aaaaaaand... SCENE.

Two: We're struggling with naptime, too. He still needs one most days, but truthfully, I wouldn't mind if he was ready to drop it. I DREAD putting him down for it every day, even on a day when he really needs one, because, as you might already know, just because a child NEEDS a nap doesn't make them willing to TAKE one. And I would be perfectly happy enforcing a quiet time for an hour or two in his room every afternoon. Except right now he is incapable of playing by himself. He neeeeeeds heeeeelllllllp doing a million tiny things he could easily do by himself, but won't. And when I refuse to help, there is screaming and more kicking of the feet and writhing on the floor and normally that wouldn't even be a huge issue, I'd be all HAVE AT IT, you're just wearing yourself out for bedtime, AWESOME, but I have another kid now, and I'd like to preserve that kid's nap, so the screaming just won't do. Today, for example, he wanted help putting together a plastic train track. “NEEEEED HEELLLLLP,” he screeched for hours. Maybe it was 15 minutes, I don't remember. And I remained calm in the face of screechy adversity, saying things like, “If you will ask me nicely by saying please, then I would be HAPPY to help you,” but people! He is ABOVE this saying please thing, so we went around in circles for many more hours (or another 15 minutes, I CAN NEVER TELL) until finally I threw him in his bed and shut the door and left him for dead. Or, uh, I mean, to settle down. And then! When I came in to RESCUE HIM! We had another argument about APOLOGIZING CORRECTLY. I would happily fast forward to age four, I think, had I not just spent a decent wad of cash on 3T clothing.

Three: You know the OTHER thing that irritates me about naptime, is that he's not even GRATEFUL when I let him skip it. There he is, announcing he doesn't want to take a nap, and lamenting the upcoming nap, and dreading the idea of LAYING DOWN IN A COMFORTABLE BED and then I say, “Ok, you don't have to take a nap today,” and NOTHING HAPPENS. There's no falling prostrate at my feet or welling up with tears, he just goes about his day. And then he complains about things during the time when he should be napping, and I say things to him like, “I let you skip your nap, child, you owe me PEACE and you owe me QUIET,” but he's too busy needing heeeellllllp and then I turn into a cartoon and smoke comes out of my ears and I vow that we shall have naptime the next day and we shall have it in the VERY TRADITIONAL SENSE, where small people close their eyes and drift into unconsciousness, even if that includes one of those cloths soaked in ether

Four: The boy has also taken to biting. Biting! Biting PEOPLE! Ok, so mostly his sister, but every time it happens, it makes me a smidge extra glad we didn't send him to preschool this year, just so it prevents us from being Parents of the Class Biter. I don't know how to curb the biting, really. He does it when we're not looking and then he reports himself. I'll be doing something and suddenly Lucy will start crying and then he'll sidle up beside me and say, “You bit her.” (He still hasn't grasped the concept of “you” versus “I” so every time I end up getting defensive. “I didn't bite ANYONE!” I have to stop myself from saying, before I figure it out.) When he bites, I take away his trains for the rest of the day and then when Dave comes home, Asher announces, “You bit Lucy.” It's like he's proud of himself or something, and we say the same things about how it makes us sad and how it hurts Lucy blah blah blah and then for some reason, I always think of the story my mom tells about my brother when he was in preschool. My brother was a lot like Asher, very timid around other kids, so he was a natural target for the Class Biter, and came home with teeth marks more than once. One afternoon my mom had had it up to here and advised my brother that if he wanted it to stop, he was going to have to bite him back and teach him a lesson. To which my brother replied through sobs, “Mom, I can't bite his back! He runs away!” Spoiler Alert: My brother turned into a normal person, sometime around 10^th grade.

Five: And then there's Lucy. Oh, Lucy! She's adorable in a million big and little ways. She waves and claps, she gives kisses to anyone who asks and to her baby dolls. She dances when you tell her to dance and she would much rather eat crackers than fruit (THAT'S MY GIRL) and she and Asher have this coughing joke that they think is the funniest thing in the world. She would look at pictures of babies all day long if you'd let her. She is a charming child during the day, rarely fussy (except in the car, WHAT GIVES) and she has been sleeping a little better at night in the last month or so. She is actually so cute that in the last two weeks, THREE RANDOM CHILDREN have quietly ventured up to her and tried to kiss her on the mouth while I wasn't paying attention. That never happened with Asher. NOT ONCE. What, you don't believe me about the cute? YOU WANT PROOF?

Six: Proof.

 

Seven: Also? She's walking. (Footage below of said child walking; additional footage of what other children do the minute you open the Photobooth application and set the laptop on the couch.)

Comments

[vhmprincess]

Starting when Tyler turned 3, we had REST time instead of naptime. Which equals on the couch and not in the bedroom, so he didn't THINK it was naptime. Also, the tv was on. I tried doing quiet activities (reading to me, drawing, cutting w/scissors, etc) and they made him MORE tired because then his brain was busy. So it's Sesame Street while laying on the couch and when he was just about three (not anymore, he's closer to 4) 95% he'd accidentally fall asleep.

GOOD LUCK!

[Morgan S.]

Emily, you have described my world TO A T. My almost three year old is a mean, angry, kicky and CLINGY/DO IT MYYYYYSELLLLLLLF screamy monster. UGGGGH. And my 16 month old is so cute, happy, delightful, and ADORABLE I can't get enough of her. And it sucks how much I resent the angry 3 year old for ruining with her tantrums and demands the sweet and joyous times to be had with the 16 month old. Sigh. Such is motherhood with two little ones.

[K]

Oh my goodness...I love that you can make me laugh out loud with your writing (You bit Lucy!) Thanks for making me giggle...I just might be doing it all day now, thanks to you!

[ANNIE]

Yay for walking! And for those ADORABLE pants with the ruffle on the bum. No one in my house will ever wear ruffle bum pants, considering the fact that I am the only girl. And, well, NO.

[Manda]

Oh my goodness with the cuteness! And the interference with the video!! HAAA!!!!!! I can't believe how little she is and she walks! That is great! And so crazy!
Also you are the most fun mom EVER, and I quote, "Ok, MOVE you TURDS!!" HAHAHHAAHHHH!!!

[Lisa]

This was my life a year ago...screamy 3 year old waking up the very-light-sleeper 1 yr old. I finally gave up on the nap, let him watch an hour of tv for my own sanity. Although I sorely missed the quiet time when both were napping, one side benefit was that the 3 yr old fell asleep in about 5 seconds at bedtime, which I moved up a bit to compensate for the no nap.

(I'd love to tell you that the screamy/whiny thing stops when they turn 4 but I can't...I'm hoping that because we just moved to a new house and had a new baby, eventually the screaming/whining/flailing of limbs is related to that and will stop eventually. Although its been 3 months now and the hysterics continue.)

[Meredith]

Oh man, this is beyond funny and cute. I don't know what my favorite part is--Asher's little voice saying, "WHEEEE'S LUCY?", Lucy walking... or the fact that your kids enjoy INXS as much as I do.

[Kristin H]

My boy (also three) got bit by a girl at daycare almost daily, and he finally retaliated on his own by becoming The Biter. All I can say is, he eventually grew out of it. AND, we went through the exact same thing with my daughter about saying please and there was much weeping, screaming, and generally being a lousy person before she just sort of snapped out of it and started nicely saying please again. I heard once kids go through phases every six months or so: six months of good, six months of terror. So, you've got that going for you. Only, what, five more months of this?

[Allison]

Your descriptions of Asher completely mirror what we are going through with our son. He will be three in two weeks, and oh lordy, I am dreading the year to come. He's fighting naps, fighting bedtime, fighting EVERY LITTLE THING we ask him to do. I have a 5-month old baby girl, too, and if I could just somehow have her skip over the age of 3 I would be so, so grateful.

[emmysuh]

You need heeeeeelp!

God, I thought that video was going to be an exercise in futility until the last little bit and then OMG Lucy's walkinggggg! Amazing!

[Penny]

I also hate the threes.

[Amanda]

oh my i absolutely love your blog!! i was laughing so hard watching the video and then clapping when lucy walked to asher and he caught her.

[chatty cricket]

OMG, I just blacked out after reading all about the being 3 and the naps/no naps and then I ate 2 cheese sticks and 3 gerber-sized bowls of (reduced fat) wheat thins.

THANKS A LOT EMILY.

And then I think I laughed so hard watching that video that I burned it all off.

[erin]

Oh my. Asher sounds exactly like my little Jas except that she won't be three until late November. Very, very unfun times. Especially when you try to walk into another room to escape the screaming fit and said angry child follows you so that she can continue to let you know she is upset. Urgh.

[heather]

I won't repeat everything already said, just know that I'm there, too.
I laughed out loud at the part about fast forwarding to 4, except for all the money spent on 3T clothes!! Priceless.

[Parsing Nonsense]

Oh man, I remember nannying for my niece when she turned three. It was tantrums all the time! And arguing! And OPINIONS, my goodness the child had so many OPINIONS.

He'll eventually figure out, just hold your ground and he'll relax into his role a bit more. There's hope! He can't be three forever!

[Violet]

Yikes, my daughter is at this stage, too. My husband thinks it's a permanent condition, and keeps asking sarcastically, "so WHEN do you think she's going to grow out of this?". I just pray that it's soon!

We just got this awesome board at Target that has chores and rewards - stars and stuff like that. But the chores are: say please and thank you, no whining, share, get dressed...it's great. I wasn't sure she would do it, but so far it has worked out great. The end of the day she comes up "I didn't whine today!", and then we debate that point. :) She's a few months older, so it may be too early for Asher, but it might motivate him later. I know she'll do anything for the promise of ice cream or $1 toys at Target!

[Jennifer]

My son is now 15 and had, at the age of 4, an incredibly long biting phase. Probably a good 6-9 months of biting friends and his sister. It was bad enough I took him to counselling, only to be told, after three or four visits, "Um, yeah, he's totally normal. Some kids bite, other kids hit or push; it's the same thought process in children that likely are struggling with verbalizing their frustration. People just react more strongly to biting, since it seems more animalistic."
Of course, shortly after those visits he stopped biting on his own. I really don't think any of the punishments we tried (time out, taking away favorite items, a stern "No!") worked, unfortunately.

[ItTakesAVillage]

You need to be consistent. All the time. Letting him skip nap time doesn't teach him to be grateful, it teaches his that whining works and ensures you whine-filled naps almost every day. Also, if you got that time out/apologizing stuff off of Supernanny or something, you should really redirect and think about what you're doing. Why do we force children to give insincere apologies afterwards - isn't that just teaching them manipulation, lying and how to perpetuate a power struggle adult style? (You will stay in here until you give me a fake apology BECAUSE I SAY SO)

Buy the book called 1, 2, 3 Magic! and decide you're going to stick to it to a T. We saw complete turnaround within days. Literally. DAYS.

[Holly]

That video was HYSTERICAL!!! So dang cute and I seriously can't even believe someone so tiny could already be walking...so amazing!

[Farrell]

My child gave up naps at about 2.
Three sucks but - and I hate to tell you this - please don't hire a hit man on me for bringing bad news - four is not really better. I know, WTF? People told me it would be and THEY LIED.

Also? I don't know what it is but my child turns into THE DEVIL the month before and the month of her birthday. Every. Single. Year. Of. Her. Life. AND? My mom said I used to do it too. I don't know if it's just in our genes or what, but that's what we know.

The good news? Asher should be an angel for up to two weeks after his 3rd birthday:)

[bethany]

For biting we squirt pure lemon juice in the child's mouth. It's organic, non-harmful, but VERY UNPLEASANT. Done consistently it really works as my four non-biting kids will attest.

[Aimee]

1. Asher reminds me so much of Isaiah (he will be 3 in March), he too whines about Every Little Thing! UGH!

2. Lucy = adorable!

3. That video is hilarious!!! I can so relate! Love it!

[Aunt Becky]

Apparently, you and I live in the same house. Together. Only we never see each other. Which is weird. Because if we did, that would rule, because we might stand a chance a peeing in peace.

Hm.

[barbetti]

Oh, yay, happy early birthday to Asher! I first started reading you a few months before you announced his birth (and um, yeah, I embarrassingly REFRESHED your page over and over until I saw his birth announcement).

And I love the video of Lucy walking. And I love how Asher is all up in the video camera. They are both impossibly cute.