We haven't talked about my thighs in a while

I gave birth to Lucy almost eight months ago. Last Tuesday, I stepped on the scale to discover I am but one pound shy of my pre-pregnancy weight – the weight that was recorded on my chart at my first prenatal visit in May of 2008. It's not my lowest weight and it's not my final weight, either, because I'm not done, but it's a huge success for me. It's been a long journey to get here again and there were times I thought that maybe I would never get back to where I was before I got pregnant with Lucy; that maybe I was going to be one of those women who swore their bodies just held on to an extra five or ten pounds after a second pregnancy no matter what they did.

I worked really hard after Asher was born in 2006 to lose almost 30 pounds. The weird thing is, that “working really hard” for me involved the food aspect of losing weight. I worked MENTALLY hard when I was losing weight after having Asher because I had never learned how to eat to lose or maintain my weight. I never knew what a proper portion was or that it wasn't okay to eat a bowl of ice cream every night (or an entire block of cheese) just because I'd exercised earlier that day. I had no idea how much physical work I had to do in order to cancel out the things I was eating. The thing that came easily to me then was incorporating regular exercise into my life again. I exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY now without fail; I actually feel GUILTY if I don't, and I like it that way. I don't sit around inventing reasons not to. I like the way exercise makes me look and feel. It gives me energy, and it helps me sleep (even if my kids don't), and I like that my thighs are relatively firm and not fleshy. Even skinny people can have fleshy thighs, you know?

When I started this journey all over again after having Lucy, it was definitely more difficult. It was harder to control cravings because of the stress of learning to handle two kids, especially when one of those kids slept poorly all night and day. It was harder after having a bad day to not want to comfort myself with chocolate-chip cookies and six glasses of milk. It was harder to find time to exercise, not because it was all that hard to find a half-hour to run outside, but because after that run, I needed a shower, and a chunk of time to dry my hair and put on clothes if we were going to leave the house, which sometimes we have to do, you know, to buy toilet paper and Diet Coke.

There was also a period of about two months where I was stuck, and my body and the scale were refusing to budge. It was depressing, and frustrating, and annoying and resulted in the consumption of zillions of handfuls of M&Ms, which is probably why the scale never budged in the first place. What I finally realized was that two pregnancies probably HAVE changed my body in more ways than I recognize. And that I am almost two years older than I was when I lost weight the first time around, which might not be a big deal when you're a teenager, but can probably result in substantial changes in metabolism and the like when you're in your 30s. So I had to work PHYSICALLY harder than I had to last time; I had to step up my exercise regime. I had to push myself. I can't stop after running three miles anymore – I need to go for four, or five, or six. And I DON'T MIND. Nor do I feel like I'm pushing myself too hard or becoming obsessed. I'm only running twenty minutes longer than I used to, and I'm stronger and faster and happier with how it makes me feel.

Another reason I'm happy to exercise is because heart disease continues to be the number one killer of women, and not only am I one of those (a woman, I mean), there was also a recent study that linked heart disease and risk of stroke with preeclampsia. Preeclampsia. I've been lucky enough to have it TWICE, which according to this study, means I'm more than twice as likely to have a heart attack or stroke in my 40s than a normal woman. Dude, that's SCARY. That's worth an hour of exercise, every day, if you ask me. I have big plans for my 50s, you know. I'm buying a RECREATIONAL VEHICLE in my 50s. I am going to hike in National Parks and such! And get pedicures! I do not have time for dying from heart disease if I can help it! (Yes, dying! Also, what a cheery title for an article, WebMD!)

Something else I've realized is that it's harder to accept your body the second time you lose the same weight. The first time, everything felt great. Every pound that I dropped was new territory; every time something fit looser or better or in a smaller size was amazing and wonderful and something to be proud of. The second time around, though, is like a mind game. Whereas last time, hitting a certain weight felt like a miracle, this time, it feels defeating; it just feels like ten pounds away from my goal. It isn't nearly as satisfying, and sometimes I have a hard time focusing on the fact that I'm getting healthier and shapelier in a smart way; in a “lifestyle” kind of way, as cliché and annoying and Dr. Phil as that sounds. Sometimes I get lost in the Get To Goal mantra. Sometimes I put on a pair of jeans that I used to wear all the time before I got pregnant with Lucy and get caught up in wondering if they feel like they used to feel or if they feel DIFFERENT or TIGHTER and I end up fixating on that; fixating on where I once was, and feeling bad that I'm not there again quite yet. I don't like that part.

The other thing I will say about myself is that I finally understand that I realize that the jealousy I've had looking at other people's bodies wasn't about whether I was envious of their legs or their arms or their abs. I like my body and I don't want anyone else's body instead of mine, for various and sundry reasons, but probably mostly because this body has made me who I am and I LIKE WHO I AM. What I DO want is the BEST VERSION of my body. I want strong legs, even if they're not slender little toothpicks. I want the ability to run six miles without stopping. I want clothes to look good on me, and they don't have to be a size four. But it's hard work to get to the best version of my body. I'm not one of those people who eats salad for a week and loses 15 pounds. I'm not one of those people who can ignore exercise and look her best. So my envy wasn't for someone else's body; no, I was jealous that some people don't have to work hard to look awesome. Some people can eat a Twix for breakfast and a Chick-fil-a combo meal for lunch and drink a bottle of wine with a pizza for dinner and NOTHING HAPPENS TO THEM. I do not want to tell you what would happen to me if I was to follow a diet plan like that. I can't even eat like a REGULAR person and manage my weight effectively. I have to buckle down and run hard and sweat like a pig and I have to do it every single day. There were a lot of times when it felt unfair. So how cheesy is it that I can finally say that I've learned to appreciate it? Make peace with it? Now instead of hating the fact that I have to run four miles to stay in shape, I am simply proud of myself that I have the drive and ambition to keep running until I've completed six. It's not a means to an end any longer. I don't resent it anymore. It's just who I am. And I'm embracing it.

Comments

[Kristina]

Good for you!!! Send some of this my way, please.

[Jen]

You are an inspiration, seriously. You are one of the reasons I gave Weight Watchers a shot after I had Maggie, and you are SERIOUSLY making me consider exercising more (OH HOW I LOATHE THE EXERCISE.) The only slight issue is that we're planning on getting me knocked up in the near future, so it's not like I'd be running a marathon or anything. But I really need to get my butt moving more.

Great job, lady!!!

[vague]

I know exactly how you feel with respect to other people who just don't have to work hard to lose or maintain their weight. I always feel like if I even LOOK at a pizza I'll gain weight. I'm working on losing my grad school weight right now (I think I was on that Twix/Chick-Fil-A/Wine-and-Pizza diet for the last 3 years of school!)and, like you, I am having to really bust my ass to do it - but it feels great!

You are doing so, so well - six miles! That rocks! Keep it up!

[Beth]

Well you have inspired me. Too bad it always seems to run out by tomorrow morning. But I bet you look great!

[Mimi]

Welp, that's it. I'm all inspired and shit. I've often read your tweets about how terribly Lucy is sleeping, and then other tweets about what you did for exercise and I've wondered... how does she do it? How does she find the energy to exercise when she's got two little kids and is going on very little sleep? This is no little feat and it's not lost on the rest of us moms. Now I feel like if you can do it than I can damn well give it a shot too. Thank you.

[Lizzie]

I totally get indignant around my naturally slim friends and find that I overeat just to spite everything. (Good one, there, Liz...) I'm a couple pounds below my first OB visit number, but still far from my goal. I need to pick up the exercise too because the eating just isn't doing it. When do you run? When Dave gets home/who watches the kids?

[annie]

Awesome, Emily! Way to go! What you describe is how I was feeling after Jake was born...well, long enough after he was born that maybe I should say "before I got pregnant with #3." I cannot wait to get to that point again, and (admittedly) I'm concerned that it will be even harder after pregnancy #3. But I'm looking forward to the challenge, and looking forward to being able to get past the initial "Feeling Like It's Something I Have To Do" to the "Doing It Because I Want To" again. Can't wait Can't wait Can't wait. You're doing great - and inspiring the rest of us in the process. Keep it up!

[Carrie]

Good post! I'm actually at my pre-baby weight for my second pregnancy, but I never lost most of the weight from my first pregnancy before getting pregnant with my second, so it's still not a good place to be. I'm at my heaviest non-pregnant weight ever. And I also deal with that by eating more. A lot. So the scale is actually going up instead of down. And I'm frustrated with myself over that. But I'm realizing I need to do this for me and that it will be something that I need to do for me and that will help me a lot in the end!

Good luck to you!

[Parker_B]

Congratulations- I wish some of your determination and self-discipline would rub off on me! Right now I kinda hate certain parts of my body and feel like there's no way to repair the damage- so then I do more damage by eating more crap. I often think of that Oprah quote, "There's no food in the world that tastes as good as being thin feels." Hmm, well, I'm having a hard time with that. At this point in my life, the comfort of food feels better than the ego-boost of being thin. Which is exactly why I need to get off my a** this minute and start exercising!

P.S. Did I see a tweet about an upcoming before-and-after post about your hair? Squeeeee!

[Parker_B]

Oh, one more thing. Whenever I feel really guilty about something fatty I've eaten, I visit thisiswhyyourefat.com. Seriously, at least I draw a line SOMEWHERE.

[Karen]

You're my long lost twin. I finally smacked myself in the face (figuratively speaking) and said, "Self, you have to exercise every day if you want to lose the weight you hate so dang much."

I also had to stop snacking at night. If i do the one thing and don't do the other thing, I can lose weight. Oh, and give up sweets. That was hard.

But yes, after three kids and nearly 30 years of hating my body, I'm finally focusing on being healthy rather than what I look like per se. Heart attacks, cancer and sudden inexplicable death run in my family. I kind of would like to avoid those.

[Melanie]

This is very inspirational. Thank you.

[Susie]

I have wasted a lot of time being jealous of people who don't have to work as hard, and worrying about what will happen to my body when I do finally have kids. If I could just funnel that worried energy into running a little longer...

Way to have enviable willpower :)

[Jen]

You're awesome. Seriously, awesome. I love that you are proud of your body and of your motivation to keep it in shape. You've got drive woman! Now I want to go for a run...but I'm stuck in a cubicle for the next 7 hours...

[chiquita]

awesome. I hope to get even a fraction of this motivation. Right now I do close to nothing and it's not very healthy, even though somehow I maintain a marginally healthy weight.

[Trilby]

I'm realizing more and more that after 2 babies, I can't just watch what I eat and lose weight. I'm going to have to get serious with some kind of exercise regime in addition to watching what I eat. Lifestyle changes and all that.

You are an inspiration for me to get my butt up and DO something already. :) Thanks!

[Suzy Voices]

Wow! Congratulations! Not only on losing the weight, but on your new attitude! Maybe some of that will rub off on me!

[Cora]

Thank you for posting this! It has helped inspire me to get my fat, post-partum booty back in the gym. I'm trying to lose the weight from baby number one and it's incredibly depressing. I was doing great for a while, but then we went on vacation and I've spent the last month shoving as much bad-for-me food in my pie hole as I can. :sigh:

Also, I envy you and your six mile runs. I can run, maybe 2 minutes without feeling like I'm going to die? You're awesome!

[iheartgreen]

Good job! I would love to hear more about what you eat. Exercise alone makes me gain weight, just at a slower pace. Must watch what I eat. :-(

[Tessie]

Man, do I love this post.

Sometimes working on my fitness feels like being in a boxing ring, where I get punched out and knocked down repeatedly, and just have to keep staggering up for more, ya know?

But, I'm always proud of myself for staying in the ring.

[Julie]

Thanks Emily. This was just what I needed to hear (read) today. I feel like you read my mind. It's not easy, and it takes effort, but that *feeling* is so worth it, and the results, when they come, are the rest reward. (BTW..congrats on the awesome mileage! I'm just back up to 1 mile non stop, and I'm hoping I can start bumping it up to 2, 3 and then 4 at a time.)

[Julie]

Sorry - that should say "best reward"

[Candice]

"What I DO want is the BEST VERSION of my body."

This is brilliant and what every person should strive for. You can never be someone else, you can only be the best version of yourself.

Truly great... and kudos on a great post and great work on yourself. (Do we get photos?)

[Linda]

Over the last year, I have become addicted to various group fitness classes at our Y (and the free childcare that comes with our membership!). I love how strong I feel and how my clothes fit and how yes, I still have a post-partum belly, but that belly has muscle underneath it and is much less mushy. I love how my kids watch me exercise and how it's going to be part of their childhood - learning to work the body you're given.

I guess all I'm trying to say is I'm in a similar place and it's awesome!

[beyond]

i admire your determination and your commitment. this post will be inspirational to many people. not only those with baby-weight to lose, but also those with plain old food weight to lose (like me). whether it's 3 pounds or 12 pounds, determination and commitment is key.