Another week where I should have posted more than seven quick takes because THESE AREN'T QUICK AT ALL

One: I ripped my pants on Tuesday. My FAVORITE capri pants – the pair I bought two years ago at my lowest weight and can only wear comfortably if I let them air dry because the dryer shrinks them just enough that I sport a plumber's crack if I sit down. I LOVED THOSE PANTS. And I would be way sadder about the fact that I can't wear them anymore except that I laughed so hard when they ripped that Asher started laughing too and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have the Real World Experience necessary to understand why pants ripping is funny in the first place. I laughed because God forbid my pants rip in a predictable, perhaps fixable location, like, oh, I don't know, A SEAM. No, mine ripped from my knee up to the waistband. Through the FABRIC, which was nowhere NEAR a seam, and which made me momentarily wonder whether I'd look in the mirror to find out I'd gained 300 pounds overnight or turned green and also into the Hulk.

Two: My husband is now getting over a case of the shingles. I thought they were spider bites; my family took that one step further and had him convinced that they weren't spider bites, but were instead the location a spider cleverly chose in which to deposit a couple hundred spider eggs for safe keeping. It was fun thinking about the eggs for a while; Dave and I discussed what the title of the TLC show we would be featured in would be called (“Dave and Emily Plus A MILLION” was the clear winner) and I enjoyed occasionally pretending that I could see them hatching RIGHT FREAKING NOW, somebody DO SOMETHING AAAIEEEEEE. But no, then he went to the doctor, and the doctor didn't even MENTION spider eggs as a possibility, even though shingles seemed kind of far-fetched, too, since Dave is in his 30s and most people who get shingles are over 60 and tearing open their social security checks with their false teeth. The doctor actually told him she'd only seen it in “young people” a couple of times. “Once I saw it in a guy in his 20s,” she told him kindly, in some last-ditch effort to make him feel like less of a total loser for getting shingles 30 years before his time. Unfortunately, this didn't make him feel much better about the situation. And then she gave him medicine even though it's probably not at all effective if you don't start them within 48 hours of contracting it and then the doctor told him to definitely stay away from people with compromised immune systems and babies. You know, BABIES. Oh, like, say THE ONE LIVING IN OUR HOUSE.

Three: I bought a dress the other day at Target. It is a size XL. It is a size XL because I bought it in the GIRLS section. Not the juniors, not the womens. GIRLS. And I'm not sure what is more bothersome – that I might run into an eight-year-old wearing the same thing, or that it fits perfectly in the chest area. Since when do eight-year-olds have boobs? Or maybe I mean WHEN DID MINE DISAPPEAR?

Four: I have made a Personal Vow not to Twitter about my daughter's (still rather poor but marginally improved-upon) napping habits anymore. For a while, it was like a good, easy way to vent that she'd only taken a 20-minute nap, but then it started to CONSUME me and it started to feel like each and every time she refused to sleep for what I considered an acceptable amount of time, I bitched about her on the Internet. And then to seal the deal, we hung out with out-of-town friends (a married couple) last week; he follows me on Twitter. And I was talking to his wife and she was saying how sometimes she asked her husband if anything interesting was happening with me and he said, “Well, her kid sure doesn't nap very well,” and I about DIED OF EMBARRASSMENT. I am WAY MORE INTERESTING AND WITTY THAN MY KID'S NAP SCHEDULE. My deep and sincere apologies for subjecting you to so much wailing and gnashing of teeth over something that no one else could possibly care about. It's fine to vent about crappy sleep on Twitter; what is not fine for me is that I was getting REALLY ANNOYING with it by posting something angry and angsty EVERY THIRTY SECONDS. (Sorry.)

Five: I can't stop watching A Baby Story. I thought the fascination would end after I had Lucy, but every afternoon when the kids go down for their naps I turn it on. Most of the time, it's just background noise, but yesterday it offered me this little gem:

Lady in labor who is dilated to a 10: “Something HURTS! Something is HURTING! Hurting SO BAD!”

Nurse looking concerned: “Ok, hold on, tell me where it hurts!?”

Lady in labor: “It HURTS! In the VAGINA! It HUUUUUUUURTS!”

Nurse: “...”

Nurse: “Uh, now it's time to push, so it's, uh, well, it's still going to hurt, ok?”

OMG LADY. YOU ARE IN LABOR. I don't know what else to say except that surely, SURELY you heard that having a baby was kind of painful? Painful enough that they invented this medicinal treatment where a person with a giant needle numbs the ENTIRE bottom two-thirds of your body so you can't feel ANYTHING? I mean, is that just not ringing a bell for you?

Six: Somehow, two kids came out of this body, one of them within the last seven months, and yet also somehow, I ended up with a bikini. Like, one I'm supposed to put on and go outside in, possibly in FRONT OF PEOPLE. Honestly, I normally wouldn't even entertain the thought of buying a bikini, but Old Navy sent me two swim bottoms instead of a complete tankini set, and I sent one set of bottoms back and demanded they send me the top I actually asked for, and then a month went by and nothing happened and then I sent an email because I am afraid of talking to customer service people, not because they're not wonderful people, more because I am a wuss who will never ask for what I actually deserve because I'm afraid I might hurt someone's feelings. Anyway, they refunded my money for the top because they don't have anymore of them in stock. Which means what I did have was just as useless as two bottoms, because then I had ONE bottom and absolutely zero hope of finding a top to match it and I reiterate that as far as I know, we are not headed to the French Riviera this summer – I NEED A TOP. Except then I went to the Old Navy store the other day and they had the bikini top that matched the bottom I can't get rid of and so I bought it because my mom told me to. It's a pretty cute bathing suit. Also, I tried it on twice and it was marginally cuter when I tried it on without a Chick-fil-A #5 combo meal in my stomach. (Making a mental note of that for afternoon pool sessions. Will fast before swimming.)

Seven: Kim left a comment on the post where I mentioned my cat and her ridiculous and necessary new haircut that said this: “My uncle is a vet and he told me once that if you shave a cat it can change their personality!” OMG, WE ARE WITNESSING THE PHENOMENON FIRST-HAND. Ever since the Lion Cut, the cat has been... different. Whereas pre-Lion Cut she stayed out of sight in my parents' finished basement, and spent her time sleeping under sofas until my dad came home, when she emerged to enjoy his company, now she roams freely throughout my parents' house, venturing upstairs into the kitchen and outside onto the deck and occasionally OUT THE PET DOOR. Today I was eating a sandwich on the couch and she STOOD UPON ME AND TRIED TO TAKE A BITE. This is the same cat who, again, pre-Lion Cut, wouldn't even come up the STAIRS, and now she's prancing around and demanding another can of food and eating the flowers on the kitchen table. I suspect that my parents are hoping that once the Lion Cut grows out, that she'll go back to her old hermity ways because she is driving them to the brink of certifiable insanity what with all the meowing and the underfooting and the jumping on their faces in the middle of the night, which I realize are all things that are to be expected from Regular Cats, but when your cat has been a Hermit Cat for 16 years, it can wear on you pretty quick. Anyway, all that to say Kim! You were right! I am now wondering if perhaps the Lion Cut would work on people with damaging self-esteem issues! (Although my gut instinct tells me it would just make things worse.)

Comments

[Jessica]

I got shingles when I was 12. My doctor had everyone in her office running around looking in books to figure out what I had. She knew, of course, but she wanted them to figure it out. I've heard that it means I might be prone to getting them later in life, but I hope not!

[Kristina]

I wore a bikini when we went to Mexico in January. After having a kid I never thought I would wear one again, but I sucked it up (and in- ha. ha.) and wore it. And you know what the thing is about bikinis?? Someone else at the pool/beach is always wearing one that really shouldn't be wearing one. Like really, really shouldn't be wearing one. Not like us, who are a little worried about some lingering baby weight, but someone that just shouldn't be wearing one. You know what I mean. So I say go forth and wear your bikini with pride!

[Karen]

I had shingles when I was 14. Talk about embarassing. And painful. The doctor said "usually we see this in old people." I told her I had an old soul. Heh.

[feefifoto]

OMG, this was soooo funny. You've managed to make these mundane issues so darn funny. I love the parts about the split pants and the cat's personality change.

[Elsha]

Maybe it's just Target. I bought a pair of shorts there when I was in college that was a girls size 10. The bigger girl sizes were too big! Granted I was pretty skinny back then but sheesh.

[Jenn]

Maybe if you shave the cat again, it will get a different personality, your parents can keep trying until they get one they like!

[Megan]

I love Target, but man, are their sizes messed up. When I was training to run the marathon (pre-daughter), I was in the best shape of my life and I was SKINNY. I could only fit in an XL. And then tried on a top that was like a small and thought it was too big. I think the clothing designers get drunk, get out a dartboard, and throw darts to get the sizes.

[Carrisa]

You have me in absolute tears over here. HYSTERICAL. "It hurts, in the vagina!"

[Andrea F.]

hehe totally hilarious. I love how you hate talking to customer service people on the phone. me too! I would rather write a handwritten letter like the old days ;)

seriously.

[Aunt Becky]

I am now off to shave my cats.

[Aunt Becky]

MAN, that sounded like a euphemism. Sadly, it was not.

[Manda]

Maybe the cat is trying to exact its revenge for the haircut? Hmmm. Also, my sister got the shingles when she was 23. She'd been traveling nonstop for a month and was totally worn down and started breaking out in welts and boom ... shingles. It was VERY painful for her, so if he starts feeling incredible pain upon being touched ... off the kids go to grandma's house (hopefully the grandma without the lion cat, though, HA!).

[becky]

i currently have THREE girls size XL items in my possession (purchased recently)... i feel better knowing you do, too

[Rona Michelson]

My daughter got shingles when she was 3! The doctor actually had someone go and get a camera so that he could take pictures and document it. He told me that she would definitely have scarring. She has NOT ONE one scar!

[Beth Fish]

My husband got shingles at 35. His doctor gave him herpes medicine and suggested he take up alcohol as a hobby. Why do I never get that treatment plan? I mean, not the herpes meds, obviously.

[beckyk]

oh my goodness. you are just damn funny.

[Shannon]

I got shingles when I was 15, Emily! How weird is THAT?

[Emily]

This post is why I follow your blog! I love all the baby talk (I had my boy a few weeks after Lucy) but man, this crap is hy-lare-i-us. Thanks for brightening a crazy morning with giggles.

[andrea_jennine]

My brother had shingles in his 20s. Think what a repository of young-people-who-had-shingles anecdotes will be made out of your collective comments on this post!

[Melani]

I had shingles when I was 30 (31?)--anyway, I thought I was going certifiably insane because my leg hurt SOOOO bad (for several weeks) and there was NOTHING there. I was actually kind of relieved when the blisters finally showed up because I had something to show the doctor. Oh, and my doctor laughed when I asked if I was contagious--he said only if I rubbed the baby's face in the blisters.

[Jen]

Whoa, KUDOS on the bikini thing, awesome :) And tell Dave your husband I had shingles at SEVENTEEN. I am a freak. He is not so much.

[Laura]

Our vet recommended the lion cut for my cat a few years ago due to endless hairballs (his fur is the texture of velcro). We do it once or twice a year and it always changes his personality. He goes from surly and moody to Mr. Fancy Pants, preening and strutting about the place. The lion cut makes him feel like hot stuff. It's a little creepy, but hey - no more cleaning up endless kitty vomit!

[auntie]

i had shingles in my mid-twenties and the doctor told me they could be caused by all sorts of things, including stress, and that it was pretty common. my doctor was either light years ahead of the other commenters' doctors who told them it was really rare in young-ish people, or she was just crazy. i live in idaho so the chances of anything here being light years ahead of oh, say, anything else in the world is pretty slim. nevertheless.

that said, i've been hearing lots of radio ads about watching out for shingles, what to look for, etc., so i figured it was gaining popularity amongst contagious diseases everywhere, probably jealous of the swine flu and all that. again, either idaho is light years ahead of the curve or...oh, nevermind.

also, the woman in labor whose VAGINA was hurting?? there are no words.

[Ashley]

I agree that you are very interesting and witty with or without nap schedule angst, but your friend must not follow very many moms of babies on Twitter or he would know that the sleeping habits (or lack thereof, as the case may be) of our offspring is a very popular topic all around!

[Devon Huntington]

Both my Parents had shingles in their 30's. My Dad got it on his side and my Mom got it in her EYE. It was awful. She had to be hospitalized and everything because of the pain. And because she had shigles in her EYE. It looked like some one had beaten her senseless. My Dad refused to take her for a walk while she was in the Hospital because people kept looking at him like he was the one who caused her entire left side of her face swell up.