More unrelated nonsense because I suck at posting anything else

One: The other night, Dave politely pointed out to me that lately, instead of speaking directly to him when I'm bothered by something, I've taken to blaming “someone” or “no one.” As in, “Why is no one doing the dishes?” or “I wish someone would take out the trash.” And my personal favorite, “WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING ME?” He pointed out that there's only one person in the house I could POSSIBLY be talking to, unless I know something he doesn't, like maybe that Lucy is capable of dragging our 50-pound trash can around the side of the house, or that Asher can unload the dishwasher. Unfortunately, Lucy still craps up her back every morning and Asher often refuses to lift his own spoon to his mouth, so it turns out I AM talking to him, in this ridiculous nonsensical way. Why can't I just say, “Why aren't you doing the dishes?” or “Why didn't you take out the trash?” I DON'T KNOW. I can't explain it! It's like I want to complain about him right to his face but I also don't really want to hurt his feelings, so I've given him the option to decide if I really is him I'm talking about. (It is.)

Two: Lucy got her six-month shots yesterday. The nurse was nice enough to encourage me get her head and arms threaded through her one-piece outfit before she plunged two needles into her chubby thighs, but it didn't matter, because do you know what? I am more naturally inclined at efficiency than I am at motherhood. Poor kid was lying there sobbing on the exam table, and I BUTTONED UP THE LEGS OF HER OUTFIT before I picked her up to soothe her. My brain worked fast enough in those few seconds for me to realize that if I dressed her before I picked her up, I wouldn't have to lay her back down and WASTE TIME AND ENERGY DOING IT.

Three: So my mom took my cat to get a haircut last week. (Long-time readers might remember my cat, who went to live with my parents when Asher was born and she no longer had a room all to herself to hide in from my husband. To say they that Dave and the cat “didn't get along” would be a big fat lie. They absolutely DETEST each other.) Anyway, she's a long-haired cat, but she's old, and she likes to lay in one place all the time, so she gets these big mats in her fur because she can't take care of herself as well anymore. Anyway, the groomer always asks if she should comb them out, but that would be absolute TORTURE, so we usually just have them shave them off. I mean, she's 14 years old, she ain't entering any Miss Feline Virginia contests any time soon or anything – no one seems to mind if she looks a little patchy hobo kitty. Except this time, I guess she was extra matted, because they went ahead and SHAVED HER ENTIRE BODY. Except for her head and a little poofy fuzzball at the tip of her tail. My mom told me they call this a “lion cut.” A LION CUT. I was going to take pictures and post them here but then I actually saw the Lion Cut in person and I just... I just can't. It's horrifying. She actually stopped eating for about four days after the procedure and I'm pretty sure it's because she saw herself in the mirror and WANTED TO DIE.

Four: Lucy poops without fail every time I put her in the car seat, so I've changed her in more retail locations than I care to count. It surprises me, though, that the best place I've ever changed a diaper is PetSmart. It's clean and the changing table is always stocked with liners and no one is ever in it, probably because no one hangs out there for hours like we do. The worst is a restaurant called Glory Days in Herndon, Virginia, where the little plastic changing table was installed THREE FEET ABOVE THE TOILET. And I had to change Asher there, when I was hugely pregnant with Lucy (two days before I gave birth, actually) and it was the most awkward diaper change ever, since his butt was at SHOULDER HEIGHT. I can't imagine I was very thorough.

Five: I threw away my scale. Not because I was developing obsessive and unhealthy habits or anything; more because moving it ½ an inch could result in the immediate loss or gain of up to 10 pounds. I consistently weighed more standing to the left of the toilet than I did on the right, and if I ever found that I didn't like the readout, all I had to do was shuffle it a little closer to the sink and hop on again. I started to get this feeling it wasn't particularly accurate, and then one time just for kicks I moved it onto the carpet and watched the needle settle happily at 230 pounds. TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY POUNDS. I'm really glad I had a general idea of what I weighed before I bought that scale in the first place, otherwise the world would be a really, really depressing place. Should I be surprised since that scale cost me $7? I mean, what do I have to spend to get a relatively accurate reading? Or at least a CONSISTENT one? And don't tell me more than $7. I FIGURED THAT OUT ON MY OWN.

Six: So the butt-wiping bears are out, and now we have to eliminate Kleenex Cottonelle from our toilet paper rotation too. I just can't think of any reason to support a brand whose website asks you to take a pledge to be kind to your behind. TAKE A PLEDGE. And! And! Then you're supposed to SUBMIT your Summer Butt Pledge to the website, so everyone else who goes there (how many people can that POSSIBLY be, EXCLUDING BLOGGERS) can vote on whether your butt is going to have a great time this summer. I would be ALL OVER THIS if it was supposed to be funny, but it is not supposed to be funny. Not when people are pledging things like, “Walk more to relieve backside pressure.” (OMG are 90-year-olds supposed to be using the Internet?) “Don't eat so much chocolate.” (Don't use such crappy grammar, either.) And my personal favorite: “Lotion for my cheeks, then Cottonelle for private parts, with a follow up Cottonelle wipes for extra cleanness.” (I... I don't even know what to say, except PLEASE IS THERE SOMETHING BETTER YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR TIME.) (As in, are you really spending that much time on a toilet paper website? And also, LOTION ON THE CHEEKS? I'm MYSTIFIED.) I read through these for a while before I finally saw one that made me laugh, and in a Finally, Someone Gets How BIZARRE This Is kind of way. Thank you, anonymous Cottonelle commenter from Oregon: “I will switch to taking my temperature orally.” GENIUS!

Seven: Ok, fine, here's a picture of the cat.

Comments

[Marianne]

I can totally relate to the kitty cat. We had a Persian-Angora mix when I was young. She stopped grooming herself around 17 and had to be sheared every year (She lived to be 20). The first time we did it, the vet tech brought her out and my mom and I looked at each other, thinking "I feel sorry for whoever that "cat" belongs to." Naturally, the tech put her in MY lap.

[Amanda]

I laughed out loud with a little snort at your cat. Your husband must have thoroughly enjoyed this since they DETEST each other.

[Swistle]

I'm REALLY glad you posted a picture of the cat. I hate to beg.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Would love to make an arse-wiping related comment, but... I'm still laughing at the poor cat!

[Bren]

That was the best laugh I had all week! OHG!! We threaten our cats with that all the time but to actually SEE it!

[Alicia]

You could buy a $100 scale and the same thing will happen. We have an expensive one and the weight is always pretty different each time. I don't get it.

[Crystal]

That poor cat, I say as I'm laughing hysterically. Roar like a lion!

[She Likes Purple]

Oh that poor, poor cat.

[cara h]

We have to do the exact same thing to our cat every summer. I understand about her not eating for a few days afterward. They definitely know something's wrong with them. Our other cats will have nothing to do with the shaved cat for several days after her haircut.

[GirlHouse]

Your poor cat! Who ever shaved her didn't even do a decent job!! Our neighbors have a long haired cat that they have shaved. We call it the "leg-warmer" cut. All of her body is cut very short, the bottom half of her legs are left just a touch longer-hence-leg warmers. And, it is adorable!!

Lets do a best and worst changeing table post!! My best: The family restroom in an oasis on the Chicago skyway. I was pleasantly surprised!
Worst: Crappy locally owned restraunt, it was mounted in the MENS' ROOM, 5 feet in the air! Seriously, I'm 5'2 and it came to my neck!

[Manda]

AHHHHH!!!!! THE CAAAAAT!

[Lawyerish]

Oh my God. Oh, man. That cat... Ohhhhh, man. I love the second shot, how the dogs are coming over like, "Honey, I am SO SORRY. What did they DO to you?"

Also, I have a feeling I am going to spend the rest of my afternoon reading the Cottonelle website. Lotion for the cheeks? WTF? Who ARE these people, earnestly posting about their toilet habits? The Summer Butt Pledge. I am DYING.

[Elsha]

Those cat pictures are AWESOME.

[Lizzie]

Actual conversation last week - Me: I hate everyone. Adam: You don't hate Lucy. Me: No one could hate Lucy. Adam: So that leaves me...

And oh. The CAT. It looks like someone cut out pictures of all different cats and glued them together.

[Amy]

Re: pooping up the back: try the next-size-up diaper! Fixed our problem with overnight bed soaking.

[A'Dell]

I got rid of our scale ages ago. Not having one in the house post-partum was SUPER smart. I don't need a scale to feel fat post-baby, my pants do that just fine, thankyouverymuch.

And that cat...Sometimes they cut Jake that way and I just think, "Whoever did this, do they think this looks GOOD?"

Poor animals and the haircuts we give them.

[auntie]

my parents do that same thing about "someone" not emptying the dishwasher or taking out the trash, except for them it's my mother always saying that "someone" must have put the (insert name of oft-used utensil) in the wrong spot when they emptied the dishwasher. it used to make me kind of sad but i've decided my dad does it just to irritate her sometimes. good stuff.

and THE CAT!!! first, i love that you posted pics after you said you wouldn't (i was completely and pleasantly surprised). but that first picture where she's staring at her rear end is hilarious! you can tell she's just thinking "WTF??!". must remember to look at these pics anytime i need to smile...ok, laugh out loud!

[Carrie]

I'm going to show those pictures to my cat and tell her that's what will happen to her if she doesn't behave.

[Megan]

It's so much easier to say 'someone' than 'you,' though, isn't it?

And I love those pictures. To quote Tyra, she looks FIERCE!

[erin]

OH MY GOSH! The pictures of the cat are HILARIOUS! Oh my. So funny. XD

[NGS]

Awww...pretty kitty. She looks adorable. Don't make fun of her!

[Sue @ My Party of 6]

Oh that cat-cut makes the baby Jesus cry.

[Brie]

Ditto Carrie--

I'm going to show those pictures to my cats and tell them that's what will happen to them if they don't behave.

[slynnro]

To use a Texan phrase, I was fixin' to be really pissed if you didn't share a cat photo.

[Newt]

Oh, that cat! Oh my god that cat. I'm convulsed and can't type. Oh, that poor cat.