I hope you didn't want to hear about pregnancy

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately. Mostly because I have no energy left at the end of the day to do anything else; sometimes even moving my fingers over a mouse pad is too exhausting to think about so even the Internet is something I get around to every third day or so. Last night I started dinner and had to bail out halfway through (only a nine-months-pregnant woman could legitimately require two nights to make a perfectly routine and simple dinner) so we heated up a frozen pizza instead. Unfortunately, however, I do not watch good TV. I watch crap. Not trashy crap, just a lot of HGTV and… well, actually, more HGTV. And I don’t know if you’ve ever watched HGTV for more than, oh, fifteen minutes, but if you HAVE, then you know they show the same ten commercials over and over and OVER again and of those ten commercials, five in particular make me want to pull my hair out and then do something really really heinous with it, like bake it into a pie and EAT IT or something. WHILE SCREAMING. (Lori feels the same way about the Nightly News. Which I don’t watch, because that’s when House Hunters is on, DUH.)

FOR EXAMPLE:

How is it possible that the Glade lady has ANY FRIENDS AT ALL, much less friends that show up to her home REPEATEDLY, only to look on in horror as she talks to baked goods/lies about buying cheap grocery store candles/wears COCKTAIL DRESSES AND PEARLS despite the fact that everyone else shows up at her house wearing slacks and turtleneck sweaters? The Glade lady is beyond ridiculous. (Granted, her hair is pretty awesome, I’ll give you that.)

That car commercial? Where the ladies’ shoes just start falling out of the sky? DOES THIS NOT STRESS ANYONE ELSE OUT? Personally, should this happen to me, I believe the first thing I would think about was whether those stiletto heels were doing any damage to my paint job. The lady in the commercial, however, just gets out in the middle of the street and starts tossing handfuls of shoes into the back of her car and I don’t know about you, but just because they’re FREE SHOES doesn’t mean you should just throw them into the car at random! MATCH UP SOME PAIRS, LADY, or else you’ll get home with 4,243 random shoes without mates and in MY opinion, shoes that fall from the sky are not really so much of a miracle if you CAN’T WEAR ANY OF THEM. (Do you think I’m supposed to assume they’re ALL HER SIZE, TOO? Well, I can’t. I’m practical like that.)

I really liked that electric broom commercial with the choreographed dancing, for some lame reason or another, but then Dirt Devil came out with something called the Kurv and something called the Kone and BOTH of these items have irritating commercials because the people demonstrating how the vacuums work are just a LITTLE TOO LIBERAL about what they decide to vacuum up. Like dry dog food. I don’t know about YOU, but if I spilled 30 pieces of kibble, I would SCOOP THEM BACK UP and deposit them in the dog’s food bowl. I don’t think Hambone gives a flying crap if his food touched the floor or not, do you? And while dog food isn’t the most expensive thing on the planet, it does bother me to waste it if it means I’m going to have to pick up one of those giant bags of it at Target that much sooner. Dude, those things are HEAVY and they take up the entire cart and the point size of the type on the bag lets everyone know that I’m the slacker who has an overweight pet who needs Weight Control Formula. There’s another Dirt Devil commercial where a woman is having her friends over, and they’re sitting at the dining room table, and one of them spills POPCORN, and the hostess gets out her hand vac and takes care of the mess. Um, I’m sorry, but what exactly does this say about the state of her dining room table? THAT IT IS TOO DIRTY TO EAT OFF OF. Insane, I tell you.

For some reason, I am more outraged about the Stanley Steemer commercial than Dave is, which I think is weird. It’s the one where the announcer says, “Kids, teens, pets, and husbands. Ever wonder how you can keep YOUR home clean?” And the dog is tracking in mud, and the kids are jumping on the furniture and the stupid, stereotyped Dad forgets to put the lid on the blender and sends some sort of smoothie beverage flying all over the kitchen, because all men ever do, after all, is MESS UP OUR HOUSES. And I think, DUDE, if someone made a commercial like that implying that WOMEN did something irritating, IT WOULD NEVER FLY. And yet, here’s this Stanley Steemer commercial, implying that all men do is mess stuff up. And it’s not that men DON’T mess stuff up (THEY MOST CERTAINLY DO), it’s just the idea that if someone made a commercial that painted women in an unflattering light, there would be boycotts and angry protests and demands for it to be taken off the air. Maybe men just don’t care enough. (MEN: I care FOR YOU! Down with Stanley Steemer! Also because they have this commercial, with the dog and the butt and what we are to assume are skid marks all over the carpet! Which: EW.)

Finally, I am still boycotting Charmin and all their Charmin-y products until they rid the universe of these ridiculous pooping bears. The latest commercial is the worst one yet, where one bear is bending over while playing football and another bear notices that there are bits of toilet paper stuck all over its butt. Now, I ask you, General Public, is this an issue you deal with on a regular basis? Is your toilet paper so cheap and awful that gobs of it are being left all over the cheeks of your butt and therefore require a tedious removal process? No, that’s right: I DIDN’T THINK SO. I can think of no one I hate more these days than the Charmin bears and the fact that they necessitate Extra Strong toilet paper. Because REGULAR toilet paper just WILL NOT DO.

Your turn! VENT AWAY.

Comments

[Erin]

Okay, I never comment but I just had to after reading this one. My husband and I were in the car one day when a commercial for Jared came on. You know, "Oh, he went to Jared?" Good for him. WHATEVER. So at the end of the commercial that is convincing men their women won't love them if they get a ring from anywhere else, the woman's voice says, "Go to Jared...you'll never have to wash another dish again". WHAT THE HELL? Even my husband was like,"wow, that's really sexist". HATE!

[Anonymous New York]

You are just too hysterical. Pooping bears and toilet paper that requires a "tedious removal process." I'm wiping away tears. I agree. If 30 pieces of kibble spilled, I'd scoop it right up and put it back in the bag. Dogs lick their butts. They don't mind a little floor dirt. Kiss it up to God. (Not that Matty eats kibble, for crying out loud, unless there is chicken broth on it. Luckily my apartment isn't THAT dirty, although the folks at Stanley Steemer might think so since I live with a MAN.)

I hate the Swifer "Baby Come Back" commercials. If my dirty mop ever serenades me, I'm putting it through the wood chopper,* but not before I take the heart-shaped box of candy. Who turns down a box of candy?

I also hate ALL car commercials. Has ANYONE EVER bought a car based on a commercial? Was it because of the song? The cheeky actress? The way it handled swervy curves by "professionals on a closed course?" WHY MUST THERE BE ONE EVERY 4.2 SECONDS? WHY? If I want a car? I'LL COME TO YOU.

*Not that I have a wood chipper. I live in NYC. But then again, mops don't sing and I don't own a Swifer. But I'd still take the candy.

[bennettsmom]

I hate the new KFC commercials, where they try to make KFC all fancy and they show beautiful people eating all daintily. Any time I've been in a KFC, most of the people Do NOT look like that. It's usually rushed moms with tantrummy kids and people with elastic wasted pants.But my favorite shot in that commercial is at the end where an amn sits eating his chicken finger, and his girlfriend leans on his shoulder, looking off into the distance and apparently pondering something very deep.

[auntie]

Seriously, one of your funniest posts EVER! I'm so with you on the Glade lady and those damn bears!! I'm not quite sure why using a plug-in air freshener is a such a shameful secret for this woman, but if that's the worst thing she has to worry about then I want to be her! And the bears just totally creep me out because...EWWWW!! I don't need to think about anyone - INCLUDING cartoon bears - trying to figure out how much toilet paper they need and is it strong enough to get the job done. I actually have to turn the channel when those commercials come on because I start rolling my eyes and yelling at the TV.

[Jenn]

I hate the commercials in which people get cars from their spouses for Christmas. "Merry Christmas! I got you a monthly bill!" And meanwhile, is it just me or does the jewelry shown in all the Kay and whoever else ads get uglier every year?

I agree, btw, that Glade woman has issues.

[Suki]

I am so with you on glade lady- I keep thinking, why are people friends with this pretentious you know what. I also have wondered about the shoe commercial and how impractical it is- but then again, I am the person who has trouble daydreaming about an impractical situation- even in my fantasies, things must make sense. I actually like the swiffer "Baby Come Back" commercials because right when they started we changed the words to our dogs name (Lola come back, you can blame it all on Piper) and now every time I hear that commercial, I laugh about the dogs. I hate, hate, hate (like have to change the chanel so I don't have to watch it) that deodorant commercial where the lady is showing how great her armpits are by high fiving random people and stuff. What kills me is when she hails a cab and then changes her mind- is this product encouraging us to be flighty, inconsiderate people who steal cabs from people who really need them? Also, this is for a totally different reason, but I can not watch that super sad ASPCA commercial- the one with Sarah McGlocklin (sp?). I know I am terrible, but it makes me depressed for the rest of the day and I feel like I have 2 rescue dogs and donate to animal charities, I don't need to spend an hour crying over the crazy sad puppy faces. In my mind, there is a special place in hell for advertisers who screw with beloved songs- Applebee's changed "Susie Q" by Creedence Clearwater Revival in "Bar-b-q" and just about killed the song for me. I do have to say that I find more and more commercials funny recently- my husband and I finally realized that it is because we have become the target demographic- scary!

[Jen L.]

I HATE THE POOPING CHARMIN BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also hate the Daisy sour cream one about "a dollop" that they play all the time in the summer. The Jared one where the women are texting their friend while she's on her date also makes me angry.

On the flip side, have you seen the Huggies commercial they play at every break on TLC? (Of course you have) It's a little boy baby and his dad takes him to the bedroom during a party to change his diaper and his pee is like a firehose. HILARIOUS, but only because I've lived it.

[Amy]

I totally thought the SAME thing about the shoe commercial. Every time I see it I think, "Does she even have a pair? And... what if they don't fit?" I'm glad to know someone else thinks like that :)

[morgan s]

I ranted about my most hated commercial here:

http://omeomine.blogspot.com/2008/09/obnoxious.html

Oh - and I HATE the f-ing bears and their toilet paper issues. GROSS.

[Sarah Lena]

Oh, I laughed out loud at this one. I'm with you on the Glade lady, but I would totally go to her party just to try and figure out how she gets such awesome hair.

We have two commericals here that make me want to scoop my own eyeballs out: the Mattress King (I'm pretty sure he's local but TRUST ME on the eyeball scoopage) and Olive Garden commercials. SO UNFUNNY, and no one is THAT happy eating at Olive Garden. I don't care how many breadsticks you cram down my hole, I am NEVER that happy to be there.

[Nichole]

The Glade lady and those bears make me want to throw my TV out the window.

[Big Red]

I think the most irritating thing about all of those commercials is that they're so clearly marketed to women. As if we're the only ones responsible for making sure our homes are clean. My boyfriend does his share of the household duties, and he and I would both appreciate a commercial with a strong, sexy guy cleaning up the dog kibble/popcorn/blender mess. For very different reasons, obviously, but we'd appreciate it nontheless.

[vague]

Great post!

I absolutely agree about that horrible Glade woman. Why is she trying so hard to impress those friends of hers? (And why do I care?! But I do care.)

The Kay's jewelry commercials are on my hit list again this year. I'm so sick of them telling us what their latest pendant is supposed to symbolize. This time it's the "journey" pendant that represents how "love grows along life's journey" or some other BS like that. Like, please, Kay's, let's allow our gifts to symbolize whatever we damned well please, OK? Do not explain your cheesy representational system to us.

Whew. Feel better now.

[NGS]

I have had that very same thought about the shoes flying out of the sky! Those are going to hit someone on the head and kill them!!

But Charmin has the best toilet paper. My husband bought Scott toilet paper the last time he shopped and ...it just wasn't right. It felt different. I told him that we have to spend the extra 30 cents for the Charmin next time! Bears be damned!

[Krista]

I am SO with you on the raining shoes commercial! I mean if they had really thought about appealing to women they would have, at least, had them falling in pairs, if not with a large very visible size tag too.

I was just telling my husband how ridiculous that commercial was and then he turned to me and told me I should lighten up. At least I get some support here! Thanks for the great blog.

[Ali]

HA HA HA! I haven't been subscribing to your blog for very long and I'm SO glad I was here for this post. I was dying with each one. I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates the Charmin Bears. STUPID PIECES!!

[MK]

No kidding about the Glade woman! I have thought the exact same thing about her LBD versus the cardigans that arrive for some kind of event in the middle of the day. Not to mention that they clearly have a comfortable enough relationship to make fun of her for buying cheap candles, but she's uncomfortable enough to embarrassedly lie about them?

Also, I would nominate the grocery store worker actress in Swiffer's "Baby Come Back" commercial for an Oscar. Her face is GREAT when the mop appears out of the produce.

(I've been unemployed for a few months, so I know way too much about way too many commercials. At least you don't have to watch ESPN or you'd have Toyota's "Saved by Zero" in your head ALL DAY.)

[Megan]

I had a baby just two weeks ago, and was on bed rest for the last week of the pregnancy, so I was watching a lot of HGTV there. I agree with your picks. I couldn't figure out why the lady even got out of the car...so the shoes could hit her on the head? That would hurt. The other one that really bothered me was for diapers, I forget what kind, but the baby in the diapers has just learned to climb up into a chair. The commercial itself was not that bad but the music was annoying and that commercial would come on ALL THE TIME...sometimes even more than once in one commercial break. It was like their fallback commercial: They would just put it on if they had 30 more seconds to kill. Gah.

[Suki]

Thanks MK, I will now have "Saved by Zero" in my head for the rest of the day :)

[Manda]

Snort!! I totally agree about the Glade lady ... the one where she bites the head off the talking gingerbread man WAS THE LAST STRAW for me!! Also hate the shoe one and I worry about all the mismatching and wonder how the HECK she knows they are even her size! Worse than the Charmin ad ... have you seen the one for tampons with the ladies spinning around in white dresses with white umbrellas?! LIKE GIANT TAMPONS?! Gross.

[chatty cricket]

ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ah ha ahhahahaha!

ha ha ha ha ahahahhahahahaaa hee heee, ah ha hahahahaha, hoooooo. Hooo hooo ah ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaaaaaa The Bears! THE BEARS AND THE GLADE PEARLS!! HA HA!! Oh Emily, ha ha hooooo. Oh dear. Haaaaa. Hee hee heee!

Whooo, whew. I needed a good laugh.

[TUWABVB]

Thank you so much for making me laugh today! You are righ about the Glade lady - she's a psychopathic liar who won't even stop short of biting the head off a talking being to protect her lie! And seriously - Glad'e? That doesn't even sound French. It sounds stupid.

The pooping bears have bothered me for a long time - I think it's because they don't wear pants and so the commercial made me aware that we are looking directly at their "poopers" - if that makes sense. I haven't seen the commercial with the cling-ons yet but I will definitely be grossed out when I do.

[Cari]

This entire post, as well as the comments, is hilarious. I totally agree withe everything, especially the raining shoes that may or may not match.

[Emily Ann]

I think is this by far the funniest thing I've read!!! Cannot. stop. laughing.

[Katie]

The shoe one REALLY bothers me too, I cringe, Im just waiting for one of the heels to go through the windshield! And my first though was that she was going to have a bunch of shoes that dont match! and what about finding her size, and then she grabs 1 more shoe and gets in the car, that the heck it that about...And i want to know how not ONE of those shoes actually hits her when they are falling from the sky, they all just happen to miss her??...RIIIGHT! oh yeah, and they glade lady bothers me too!!