Hosiery woe

Before we get into the debate over Thigh High Stockings: Friend or Foe, I think we should first spend a paragraph or two ridiculing the general craptastic nature of pantyhose sizing. Namely, that there is absolutely zero rhyme or reason to the sizing system—you’re not a four, or an juniors size 7, or even an XL. No, that would make SENSE or something, so you’d better plant your feet firmly in the aisle with a L’eggs egg in each hand and spend ten minutes comparing height and weight charts to figure out if you’re an A, B, or (and I seriously cannot believe it’s still politically correct to say this) QUEEN.

QUEEN! It boggles me every time. Who decided the appropriate step up from B was QUEEN and not C? Or B Plus? Or just plain old Plus, which as I seem to understand it, is the universally appropriate and polite way to refer to larger sizes these days? And I know you think I’m capitalizing for effect, but I absolutely am not, and if you want proof just march yourself into the lingerie section and see for yourself that if you happen to need a pair of QUEEN-sized pantyhose, the box will make sure everyone in a six-mile radius of the cash register will be able to read it because it is always written in ALL CAPS. I guess because A and B are capitalized? What, they don’t want QUEEN to feel left out? It makes no sense.

I’m a B in pantyhose, and only recently (or, say, three years ago, I guess) did I realize that it was okay to wear the non-control top version of the stuff. Control top pantyhose is from Satan himself, what with all the squeezy control and the smooshing in and then the resultant spilling over the top and the not knowing how high to pull them up to actually control anything and how hard it is to spread your legs apart to use the bathroom and GAH. What a crock that stuff is. I figured out that regular pantyhose? Are also kind of tight! They also smooth, and make your clothes a little more flattering when you need them to, and also? They don’t cut you in half and create a muffin top where you didn’t even HAVE ONE BEFORE. Unless you are pulling your control top pantyhose up to meet your bra, I have no idea how it could possibly be helpful in the least.

I was not exactly looking forward to wearing maternity pantyhose last week, but at the same time, I did think I would be more comfortable with SOMETHING supporting my stomach, thighs and hips under a thin knit dress. Except then I got to Target and couldn’t find any, and it was too late to go traipsing out to the mall to the Motherhood store, and that’s exactly when I saw the thigh high display and thought BINGO. Did you know they size thigh highs in a NORMAL MANNER? I bought two pairs, a size medium and a size large, mostly because for the majority of my life I have been a size B in stretchy nylon and so I was understandably confused about two things: sizing, and my own PERSONAL sizing, since I am [a lot of] pounds heavier than I was six months ago, and I wasn’t sure just how many of those pounds were sitting from mid-thigh down.

Okay, so the SIZE was fine. No issues getting them on. The problem, it seemed, was not even necessarily keeping them up. They stayed up! They didn’t droop, or even slide down all that much. The issue is that I wasn’t used to wearing them, so I wasn’t sure HOW THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO FEEL. You know what I mean? It’s like, TECHNICALLY they weren’t sliding down, but I was so SENSITIVE to the idea that they MIGHT that I was CONSTANTLY YANKING ON THEM UNDER THE TABLE. I wasn’t sure how high to pull them up in the first place (model on the cover of the package was no help, as she was also wearing French-cut panties which gives the illusion of a MUCH longer leg, and YES, that is my excuse, and NO, there was no time for Internet tutorials/research on the subject). And I even managed to buy the kind with a very nice, wide, lacy band at the top with (and this TOTALLY surprised me) even some sort of rubbery texture on the inside of the band. Dude, that was something I was just not expecting. I don’t know WHY I didn’t think that, because technically, without that adhesive-ishy stuff, I’d have needed to wear a GARTER BELT or something equally hooker-esque to keep them up.

Anyway, the bottom line is that unless you’re USED to wearing them, or I suppose if you can see them at all times (see above, re: HOOKER) you don’t really know if they’re sliding down and need to be readjusted. You know, like that thing where you close your eyes and someone slides a finger up the inside of your arm and you’re supposed to be able to tell when they hit the crook and you feel like they’re there and so you open your eyes and they’re still, like, FIVE INCHES AWAY? (SO. TRICKY.) I made numerous trips to the bathroom to see if I should be pulling and yanking on them even more, and I never NEEDED to—they were always in about the right place, but once I couldn’t see them anymore, I HONESTLY COULDN’T TELL. So I continued to yank and tug and then WHAT DO YOU KNOW, I returned to the bathroom one last time and PUT MY ENTIRE FIST THROUGH THE BACK OF EACH LEG.

But who cares, when I got back to the table they served me a big plate of cheesecake and then we left. And I took those suckers off in the car, which was a real feat, because PREGNANT WOMEN AREN'T VERY BENDY.

Comments

[Jessica]

Dude, I love me some thigh high hoes (heh). For the like, 2 times a year I have to wear them, I am ALL ABOUT THE HIGH. Nothing hitting your stomach? The staying up thing? AWESOMENESS.

Also, usually the times I am going to be wearing hoes (heh) are times where there will be drinking, dancing and unless my husband says some moronic thing, sex, so they DO kind of make you feel sexy (so does the drinking, you evil bitch).

Anyway, I'm all for the thigh highs! With the elastic bandy thing! (Victoria's Secret has the best ones.)

[Bellesouth]

I hate pantyhose and I try to avoid them at all costs.

However, I do like to tell people, "Of course I'm a Queen! It says so on my pantyhose!"

[Moose]

That's when I stopped wearing pantyhose. When they started asking my weight. Or at least when I started not wanting to reveal my weight. No, not even to you, plastic pantyhose packaging.

[NGS]

The first time the eye doctor told put contacts in my eyes, he said something like it won't hurt, but you'll feel it. Kind of like if you had never worn pants before - it wouldn't be painful, but you'd NOTICE. The first time I wore thigh highs, it was like that. Then I invested in a garter (what am I? a hooker?) and I never again worried about my thigh highs or even just slightly above the knee highs sliding down. And damn if that garter wasn't the best investment in hosiery I have ever made.

But I love socks. It may be an obsession. You do not have to share it.

(But! Get a garter! Awesome flexibility! No fear of falling down socks!)

[Robin]

Oooh, I am so with you on this. I am boggled by the complicated shaded-in-areas of ziggurat squares on pantyhose boxes. I don't understand why I always find myself in the white spaces or in the lines in between the different sizes. (I am taller than average, but not THAT tall. I am not fat or skinny. Yet I fall off the face of pantyhose boxes.) And it is SO true: A, B, QUEEN?

As for thigh-high, I agree with you. They're handy and in some ways more comfortable, but I kept yanking on them. Even when they were so tight they left a deep band in my flesh.

[meg]

How timely, the weather is freaking COLD here now and I'm 28 weeks, so hose/tights sound good in theory. In practice, I can't stand anything around my belly. I have yet to find maternity hose or tights. Thigh-highs, eh? I'll have to reconsider that option.

[Tori]

Not very bendy at all......hilarious post. My brain bled the last time I tried to read a box of hose and I said "pale legs be damned".

[nonsoccermom]

UGH. Do not get me started on the asinine sizing of pantyhose. I am within the weight range for one size, but too tall for that so I have to go a size up. Which leaves them baggy in places, and that just isn't right. SO GLAD I do not have to wear them on a regular basis. And I have been wondering about QUEEN for years!!

On a related note, when I did have to wear hose on a regular basis during my first pregnancy, thigh highs were a freaking lifesaver. But they do indeed take some getting used to.

[Danell]

Eh, I stick with pants because I can't tolerate pantyhose of any kind for more than eight seconds. Plus, there's just not really any pantyhose that can make my legs look decent enough to decide a skirt or dress would be better than pants.

[Dr. Maureen]

Hee! Pray that I will never be forced to wear maternity pantyhose. Which I actually call "nylons" because I hate the words "panty" and "panties" so very very much.

[Jess]

If you are going to wear them frequently, I also recommend just going for the purchase of the garter... it will get rid of the weird feeling.

But I wore those exact kind of thigh-highs for years and never ever did I have one fall down. I do find it helps with the sensation to be well moisturized and make sure you have the right size.

I love them- I almost never wear the regular ones anymore! If you punch a hole in one, you can still use the other one, just stick it in the back of the drawer until you rip another one- it is more economical!

My great aunt used to cut one leg off her pantyhose if she got a run in it- then she would wear TWO pairs... with each one having a different missing leg. The only thing I can imagine that is worse than wearing one pair of pantyhose is wearing two. TWO CONTROL TOPS. KILL ME NOW.

[Ali]

Thigh highs are the bomb! No matter what size of hoes I've ever bought I always end up with a muffin top belly, even before I had the baby and I was pretty skinny. I just bought some thigh highs yesterday with the sticky top and I found them to be a lifesaver. But I also like my underoos to have somewhat of a hooker-esque look to them.

[Sheila]

Game where you close your eyes and someone slides a finger up your arm?

WHAT KIND OF HI-JINKS ARE YOU UP TO, YOUNG LADY?!?

[emmysuh]

I am actually pulling my control top pantyhose up to under my bra -- or any tights or hose for that matter, because after a hundred and a half years of dancing where you do pull your tights up to right under your arm pits, I've just come to think that's how everyone wears their tights, all the time.

[Rbelle]

I can't believe I am the only person whose thigh-highs end up around her knees by the end of the night. Not only do they feel funny, but the little rubber thing starts to roll itself up until there's no more grip and then it's just two or three steps before they're making a run for my ankles. I will now commence feeling sad and freakish.

[Melanie]

I am so glad to hear I'm not the only person who can't figure out how high to pull control-top pantyhose. I tend to adjust each time I go to the bathroom so each section of my belly has a chance to "breathe".

I haven't worn thigh highs often, but I think the rubbery detail is GENIUS!

[T$]

I LOVE thigh highs. The only thing I like more than Thigh highs are the thigh highs that have a built in garter belt. It's like a piece of lace around your belly and then a piece of lace down the front and back of your legs to the tops of the thigh highs.

And speaking of OUEEN, what about the QUEEN Plus ones. As if QUEEN isn't bad enough.

[Lady in a Smalltown]

Many years ago when my mall had a Victoria Secret Body store I bought a stretchy black garter belt (no hooks, just stretchy). I wear it ALL the time. Okay, really I wear it when I have to wear stockings (one to two murder mysteries a month). I am heavy, so I hate tights, hose, and especially control tops. Plus, my legs are too pudgy for thigh highs, they always roll down. I love my stockings. I can still get sticky-free thigh highs to wear with them. One of the things I love is that I can replace just one, but they almost never run.

[Maureen]

My favorite is when you try on a pair of pantyhose that you haven't worn in awhile to discover they've mysterious shrunk and the cotton crotch now rests somewhere in the vicinity of your kneecaps.

This is why I've prognosticated a "No Pantyhose Ever" rule. Don't care how cold it is, how fancy the event is, NEVER. I would think about wearing thigh highs but I don't think I have the emotional strength to wear a garter belt.

[Courtney]

I love love love thigh highs. They are so much better than a tight band around my fat. So much better.

[Jenertia]

For thigh highs: duct tape. Seriously. They'll stay exactly where you put them all night. And oh, you'll feel it.

I found they weren't even too bad to peel off afterwards. Duct tape doesn't breathe, it seems, so you get a little... sweaty.

[Frema]

I am anti-hosiery myself and can't remember the last time I wore any. But I think you should know that an excellent title to this post could have been, "There's Some Hose in This House, If You See Them, Point Them Out." My helpful hint for the day. :)

[Manda]

All I have to say right now is that I hate pantyhose and I always have. There was a time in my life when I was skinny and I would tolerate a pair of tights now and then (I also lived in a place in a land faraway where there was this thing called WINTER), but now that I am un-skinny the thought of anything potentially binding makes me cringe. You are a brave prego, Emily. SO BRAVE.

[jill]

Going back to the regular pantyhose and its undesireable muffin-top...regardless of whether its control top or not, I always cut off the top half of the waistband. This helps eliminate the added roll of flesh. When I was pregnant, the waist would hang comfortably right under my belly. I never did try the maternity pantyhose. All that fabric kinda scared me.

[la petite chic]

I can't stand pantyhose and the way they cinch into your waist. You are so right about the creating of a muffin top where there wasn't one to start with! When I do have to wear hose, I swear by the Victoria's Secret thigh highs. Those suckers don't slide down your leg at all and while they are pricey, they last.