Although, I had a wart once, and I was still semi-adorable.

Three days later, I still can’t decide if we had a great weekend or a really craptastic one.

On the up side, I got a lot of piddling/nesting accomplished. I went through seven bags of Asher’s newborn gear (NEWBORN, as in his preemie/newborn/0-3 months clothes, SEVEN BAGS) (also, my LORD, I had no idea how badly the second kid gets the shaft as far as clothing is concerned), I cleaned out the closet in the nursery, I sorted through the playroom toys and put the babyish ones in the attic and we cleaned off the deck and packed away the majority of our summer stuff. We had friends over for jambalaya on Saturday night and spent Sunday morning at the riverfront watching planes take off and people taking bike rides.



On the down side, though, SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND GALLONS OF WATER LEAKED THROUGH OUR ROOF. And my Frankenstein husband, the one who has regained absolutely no range of motion in his back and arms even though his monkey bars injury was an entire WEEK ago, was forced to spend most of Saturday afternoon hunkered down in the attic putting together a shoddy piecemeal solution. Basically, that means he nailed towels and plastic bags to the support beams to try to catch as much water as possible. It didn’t look like a particularly good time, but I admit I didn’t spend a lot of time looking at whatever it was he was doing. It annoys him when I hover, for one thing, but I’m also pretty sure that when I look directly at an expensive problem, my eyeballs turn into dollar signs, JUST LIKE IN CARTOONS.

Add “Roof” to the List of Things Adults Have To Pay For That SUCK.

Also, I know it SOUNDS like being at the riverfront on a beautiful day watching planes take off and people watching was a great time, but throw in a big heaping bucketful of Ornery, Stubborn Toddler and I think you’ll reconsider. Not to mention that on our way out, I stepped directly on top of an enormous dead rat. WITH FLIP FLOPS ON. (Wait, ME, that is. The rat was not sporting footwear.) Do you know how hard it is to step on a rat wearing flip flops and not make naked foot to dead rat contact? Let me tell you: IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. During the car ride home, I thought my foot was going to burn clean off from whatever smoldering rat bacteria it came into contact with. I mean, what did he die from? Run over by a bike would be the preferable answer. The Bubonic Plague would obviously rank a little farther down the list.

So anyway, back to the nursery and the cleaning and all. One of the things I did in the closet was sort through all of the piles of stuffed animals we seem to have accumulated in the last couple of years and put at least half into a trash bag to be donated. And while I was doing it, I had an Epiphany of sorts about stuffed animals. As in, who decides what kinds of animals will suddenly become lovable when made into plush versions of themselves?

Animals I could see making this transition without much issue: dogs, cats, horses, sheep, bunnies, ducks, and, in rare cases, bears, but I am only allowing bears because they have a Traditional History of being stuffed, and also BECAUSE I STILL SLEEP WITH ONE OCCASIONALLY.

But who looks at a RHINO or an ELEPHANT and decides it looks even REMOTELY huggable? The same goes for tigers and hippos and zebras and GAH, CHICKENS? Who would HUG a CHICKEN if given the opportunity? Even a BABY CHICKEN, have you SEEN how much (and how often) they poop? I just… I just don’t see how anyone could have looked at an actual pecking, pooping, stinking chicken and thought it looked like it would make a great crib accessory, if only it came in pink.

And then I wondered about the animals that AREN’T readily available, and wondered why. Why are there so many stuffed tigers and so few stuffed foxes? So many stuffed giraffes and so few stuffed skunks? Are stuffed animal manufacturers worried that if children have stuffed versions of common animals (here I am thinking of the aforementioned foxes and skunks and perhaps squirrels, deer and raccoons) that perhaps if they see one walking around the backyard, they’ll mistake it for the stuffed version, attempt to hug it and get rabies? Perhaps it seems safer to make stuffed giraffes, lions and pandas available because chances are, the only time kids will ever see them, they’ll be behind bars and possibly a dirty moat and in, obviously, a No Hug Zone? I DON’T KNOW. The Mysteries of the Universe, people, brought to you RIGHT HERE.

(Also, the baby already has her very own stuffed frog. I ask you, WHO DECIDED WARTS COULD BE ADORABLE?)

Comments

[MrDolomite]

I don't have a teddy bear, he's a Polar Bear, His name is Snuffles (http://www.tystoybox.com/ttp/GUND-Plush-Small-Snuffles-Polar-Bear/products_id/115097.html?keywords=snuffles) and he is very fierce. He will kick your ass, or attempt to snuffle you with cuteness; it depends on his mood.

[zeghsy]

i had the best stuffed frog growing up. he had a hole under his arm and his beads kept falling out though. my way to "mend" him was to bandage it up. he looked as though he'd been injured in the civil war when i was through.

[zeghsy]

oh and a stuffed pink poodle, aptly named pierre.

[hydrogeek]

My daughter's favorite stuffed animal, and the ONLY one she has ever asked for by name is a frog. A frog that's as big as she is at 21 months old. When she calls it her "woggie" though, well, yeah, it's kinda adorable.

[Megan]

I've seen stuffed snakes. And stuffed sharks, complete with pointy fabric fangs. That was a real head-scratcher. I think someone at the Ty stuffed animal manufacturing division was snuffing too much glue when they came up with those.

[hannah]

My son has a stuffed tiger (technically a Tigger) but his current favorite is a stuffed armadillo. My mother bought it for me years ago because we both thought it was so cute, and I had it in my closet because what adult has a stuffed armadillo lying around? And then Nathan came along and took to it.

[Loth]

We have hundreds of stuffed toys in our house. Including a stuffed black rat called Ratty Guy and a stuffed water buffalo. Called Horny. Fill in your own punchline.

[Redhead]

I can't believe you didn't mention rats in your post...there's a dearth of stuffed rats out there and you certainly must understand why after your little run-in this weekend. Ewww.

[Jen]

I had a stuffed koala when I was little that was my favorite. And a lamb.

[Kristin]

AAAUUGGHH!!! Oh my god, I would have seriously considered chopping off my foot. Dead rat???!! EW!!
Ryan doesn't have a stuffed chicken but he does have a really obnoxious chicken toy that rolls around the room and plays banjo music. it's become a running gag in my family to pass it around.
P.S. how are you such a cute pregnant lady? 7 weeks and already my pants don't fit, I eat constantly, and I'm breaking out EVERYWHERE. you must share your secret. :)

[Anonymous New York]

I had a stuffed platypus that I loved as a child. That's an unusual animal. My current favorite stuffed animals are penguins.

[One Smart Cookie]

The List of Things Adults Have To Pay For That SUCK is waaaaaay too long.

Also, when I was kid I once stepped outside barefoot and stepped right onto a slug. To this day, I never ever walk around barefoot, even in the house!

[metalia]

I am giggling and shuddering simultaneously from your rat story.

[NGS]

My best friend has an obsession with rhinos. So to her stuffed rhinos are cute, I guess.

But, rabbits. Rabbits are terrifying rabies carrying rodents and stuffed ones should be outlawed!

[becky]

anna has a frog. in a TUTU!

[gorillabuns]

You are making me feel quite unprepared for our spawn in December.

[Swistle]

We have a stuffed GOAT.

Also, I am not thinking about that rat.

[Tara]

What is wrong with a stuffed tiger, may I ask? Tigers are beautiful!

But I do agree with your general premise that there are some animals that just do not translate well to the stuffed version. Like POSSUMS. My (very Southern) dad & stepmom bequeathed the pet name "Possum" on my son before he was born, and somehow, somewhere, they found a stuffed possum that they sent as part of a shower gift. That thing was HIDEOUS--had the pink, hairless tail, big hairless feet, the whole bit. My son never saw that thing, as I was afraid it would give him nightmares. (Hell, it gave ME nightmares!) I don't think I even sent it to Goodwill, to be honest, because it was just so godawful.

So you'll believe me--this is it: http://www.tapirback.com/tapirgal/gifts/friends/marsupials/opossum-stuffed-animal-f788.htm

And a final note--for the love of God, don't google "stuffed possum," because aside from this gem, you get RECIPES. I am going to go vomit now.

[Maureen]

Gah! A dead rat?? I probably would've vomited and then chewed my own foot off.

That is why I do not go places where I might have a chance encounter with wildlife/dead animals/nature.

[Kristin]

It took me three weeks and I don't know how many stores before I finally found a stuffed turtle for my daughter during her "tee-toe" obsession. I finally found a Webkinz one at Hallmark, of all places. And she does have a stuffed elephant (named "Ellie" of course) who is supremely huggable.

[Mary]

I'm not registered on parents - but i wanted to say that my little sister's birthday is december 24, and while it wasn't always her favorite, it has become a wonderful family tradition. It's nice because our family doesnt all live in the same town, so we don't typically see each other for birthdays. But she gets all of our undivided attention AND she gets a present for sure! (we have always made a special point of making sure all the siblings give her a "birthday" and a "christmas present".) We also always have a birthday party at chuck E. cheese (yes, we are all in our twenties, thankyouverymuch and did you happen to know that Chuck E Cheese serves beer and wine?), then go to a movie, home for last minute wrapping of christmas presents, and then midnight mass. The bday girl now says she plans to get married on dec 23 so she can have THREE CONSECUTIVE DAYS OF GIFTS in december. She has promised us floorlength green velvet bridesmaid dresses. Anyways- i just wanted to present the case that it doesnt ALWAYS have to suck to have a birthday near christmas...

[Erin]

I hardly ever see stuffed turtles. And I love turtles. D=

[Becky]

regarding your title... I am sure you were 100% adorable, wart/s and all.
:) Becky

[janjanmom]

I just found you and am loving you archives!! I linked you in my blog post today when I read your Aug 15th post...hello sis!

[janjanmom]

Excuse me...that should read YOUR archives, I couldn't just let it go.