A humble moment

Something that is hard for me is being fair to my husband. Do you want to know what I struggle with on a daily basis? I never seem happy with his work/home balance, and I would like to tell you—here in one of my humbler moments—that it is not his fault.

There are days when I desperately want us to have the life he is working diligently for us to have: a life that includes the ability to pay bills on time, and take yearly vacations, and provide a college education for our children. A life not unlike the one our hardworking parents gave us. A life I am more than happy to help him achieve by being his devoted partner, his right-hand man.

On the other days, though, would it kill him to be home before 6:30 every night? How hard is it to call and let me know he’s going to be late, AGAIN? Does he even KNOW how hard my day has been? On those days, I am the opposite of supportive and understanding; instead I am frustrated and angry, and when he comes home I complain that he is willingly choosing his career over his family.

I vacillate wildly between those two crazy emotions—pride for my husband and his work ethic and his genuinely admirable desire to support a family to the best of his ability, and loathing for all the extra and off-hours he has to work to get us all there. It seems impossible for me to find a balance.

Dave and I made the decision for me to stay home full time together. It makes the most sense for our family right now, especially since I am able to cobble together a meager source of additional income through some freelance commitments. But I am almost ashamed to admit that I never once thought about the strain and the stress it must cause him to know that he is technically The Sole Provider for our family. If the bottom fell out of all of my little projects tomorrow, we could figure out a way to live. I would have to cut Target out of the equation, and we would have to stop eating out once and for all, but we could do it. However, if the same happened to him, well… let’s just say, at least my parents have a finished basement.

And yet, on at least a weekly basis, I find myself angry with him for choosing the career path he’s chosen. A career path that isn’t throwing money at him even though he works a fair share more than the standard 40 hours a week. A career path that doesn’t afford him six weeks of vacation time or generous benefits or a dependable yearly bonus. I lose sight of the most important issues through the haze of Putting My Selfish Interests First. I want my husband to be home, with me and his family. It’s not FAIR that he works so much. And I never think about how fair it is to him, this pull between work responsibilities and a demanding wife. Instead, I’m usually thinking about how unfair it is to me.

I also forget that I want him to love what he does, and to find some fulfillment in the daily grind. It’s only fair, isn’t it? I certainly have found fulfillment in mine. Why wouldn’t I want him to enjoy his job too? Why isn’t that a good trade-off, a few extra hours of work each week that ensures he’s challenged by and excited about what he does?

Because I can be selfish, and egocentric, that’s why. But also because I have a hard time seeing his side of things. He’s not much of a talker, my husband. He doesn’t come home and tell me about how his day went or whether he likes his new clients. I’ve told the story before (I think) about when Dave and I were at a party, and he came up behind me telling someone what he did for a living, and when that person walked away, Dave said, “You know, that’s not AT ALL what I do.” He’s just not someone who can talk endlessly about his job and his challenges and his goals. He’s a quiet, honorable, hard worker. He has more integrity in his pinky finger than I do in my whole entire body. (As such, he would never have an interesting blog.)

And yet, as much as I admire him for all the hard work he does, I wish he told me more about it so that in turn, I could appreciate all he does instead of automatically assuming that I Do More just because I take care of the baby and do the chores and pay the bills. And because I talk about it. I have no issues with letting him know exactly how much I do. He always listens and never complains. And perhaps most admirably, he never counterargues the way I would if he brought up how hard HE works.

It is hard sometimes to know that, for the foreseeable future, my husband’s job will involve long hours. He will never be the kind of person who leaves the office at 5 on the dot and is home for dinner at 6. He’s not going to make a salary that affords us a million dollar home or an endless string of brand-new cars or bi-annual vacations in Antigua.

The reality is that my husband wants nothing more than to be with his family as much as possible. He is trying his hardest to make sure that we get to feel secure and that we feel protected and that we have everything we need. He has the weight of an entire beautiful family riding on his shoulders and he deserves every ounce of my respect, admiration and understanding. I trust that he is doing exactly what he thinks he needs to be doing for his family.

I wish I could always remember that.

Comments

[Shelby]

Wow, Emily, that's beautiful. I would do well to remember it in my own life.

[Danielle]

{in a skeezy voice} Awwww, yeah. Way to squeeze that one in right before Mother's day...

:)

I'm kidding. It was very sweet. I also give mine a hard time and need to take a moment to walk in his shoes sometimes.... good post.

[Jennifer]

Well said. We're in a similar situation in that our standard of living depends on my husband's time-consuming freelance position that he works in addition to his full time job. He works long hours, he's always very tired and I feel guilty that I can't help share the burden. He's also Not a Talker so sometimes it's hard for me to appreciate just how hard he's working so that we are able to live comfortably. I too can be ridiculously selfish at times.

While we are incredibly lucky that our company's benefits are amazing, life just seems so unfair sometimes. I often look at other couples and wonder, "Why the hell do they have it so easy?" I'm jealous that they seem to have it all figured out - that perfect balance of work and family. I always wonder if people look at us that way. To me it seems impossible that we could ever appear put together.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I'm just trying to tell you that I sympathize and to hang in there.

[Julia]

It's very true. So hard to remember his side, especially when, as you mentioned, they can be so damned quiet about all of it. (Except, in my husband's case, when he suddenly decides to unload all at once. Not pretty.)

But at the same time, don't overlook the fact that you, too, are working far more than 40 hours a week - and for drastically less pay and benefits, I might add. It's easy to forget that, but I'm sure that's where some of the seemingly-irrational anger comes from.

Wanna go get a margarita? Oh, wait, wrong city. Damn.

[Natalee]

Awww...this makes me want to go and hug my husband!

He's working OT every weekend, thereby working 7 days a week, yet he doesn't want me to work a 2nd job, so that we can have a bit of precious time together in the evenings. I'm so proud of him, yet I'm not always the best at expressing it. Thanks for making me remember to appreciate him a little more.

[hannah]

Have you been snooping inside my head? I realized this week that I currently have the *exact life I always wanted*-- and yet am still resentful that my husband doesn't get home til 8 PM. Not sympathetic to his two hour, still Blackberrying commute, but crabby that it took him so long and that he doesn't walk in the door full of good cheer.

[Christina]

Lurker here...

I just quit my full time job to become a stay at home mom to my 2 year old son and I could have written this post word for word. I can't tell you enough how much I can relate. Very well written!

[mandy]

Me too, girl. Me too.

[Kara]

Wow. There's a lot to comment on there, but I got stuck at one thing: six weeks vacation? What career path in the US (other than being the CEO of your own company or something) offers six weeks vacation? I've never heard of it, but if it's out there I want to know.

[Sara]

Thank you for this post...saying what so many of us feel. My husband and I are a few weeks away from our first child making his entrance and I will be staying home full time. I worry about this exact situation everyday. I know I will feel just like you do, though it kills me to admit it.

[lisa]

This was a great post, and it couldn't have come at a better time. My husband is a Marine and is currently gone for two months. For the last year he has been gone about 50% of the time and the time that he is here he is working long hours, some weekends etc. Just the other day I was fuming at him and told him I could no longer live this lifestyle....that having a husband 50% of the time wasn't good enough. And then I read something like this and feel totally selfish. Right now as we speak he is helping with the humanitarian relief effort in Burma. Im complaining about taking care of a toddler every day and he is literally helping save people's lives. I think for us we just haven't quite struck the right balance yet. Maybe getting out of the military is the right thing for us, maybe its not. But you make such good points that our husbands want to be home but they also have families to support and work really hard to do so. Thanks for the great post!

[Cass]

Oh I am so with you on all fronts. I'd like to be more appreciative...I would need a daily reminder between 6-8:30 while I'm waiting for him to get home of course....and that reminder would need to come in the form of flowers being delivered expressing his love for me and desire to be home and letting me know where he'll be picking dinner up from that evening. Fantastic post!

[Mom]

It almost sounds like you are describing your life growing up doesn't it? My life was very similar to yours as far as raising our family, but I don't think I could have ever put into words how eternally grateful I am to your dad for all he gave up for us. Thanks for being so honest.

[andrea]

What a great post. I too have to stop myself on a regular basis from nagging my husband to death about putting our family first. That is exactly what he is doing by working long hours and taking on tons of frelance work, trying to provide a stable life for all of us. It is really hard after a long day with a toddler and morning sickness so bad I can't get out of bed to be appreciative of what he is doing for us, but I have to be.

[Melissa]

This was SUCH a great post. I struggle with the same issue myself.

My husband has been working 40 hrs/wk and in class/studying 40+ hrs/wk for four years, including all 21 1/2 months of Oliver's life, and yet *I'm* the one who complains... sometimes I feel like I have every right (there were two days per week he wasn't home before 10pm, and those were looooong days), and sometimes I just want to slap myself for being so selfish. I am proud and resentful at the same time. But it's been hard on both sides. I know we both want the same thing, we just have to take different roles to make it work, and I'm trying to accept my role...

Thanks for writing about this so honestly and eloquently.

[BabyBrady]

Wow, how true.

[Swistle]

It doesn't seem entirely fair to YOU to call yourself selfish for wanting your family to have time together. He's working to provide the financial future you all want, and it sounds like you DO appreciate that. But of course it's all for nothing if all he does is work, and he misses all the family life. It's not selfish for you to want that: that, too, is good for your family. Finding balance IS really hard.

[Erika]

This was a lovely post. I don't have this
issue with my husband but I am unfair to him sometimes about other things. Luckily, I have moments of sanity when I can calmly apologize for my behavior.

[Amy]

Wow. I was just musing about this myself before I visited your page - wondering if I should blog about it. I feel the same way as you.
We recently had a baby and I've started my own business so I can stay home (and when I have clients take my son with me). The past 3 days have been hell toting around my infant to back and forth from client to client (I'm a pet sitter - baby's come with me for 22 out of 40 visits). I'm so worn out and I feel my husband doesn't realize how difficult it is to do all this (it's basically a full-time job but one I have to take a sometimes unhappy baby to). He works very hard at his job and works a 2nd job to make up for the decrease in my income. I know he also wants to be home with us, but he's out making extra money so we can live as comfortably as we always have.

[gorillabuns]

I feel the same and my husband works at home with the door shut, sometimes until 2am. I get tired of being the go-to person from sun up to sun down. Then I remember, he's doing this so I can stay home with the kids. I try to remember to tell him thank you. Thank you for not complaining like I do so often.

[Shannon]

I feel the conflict between these two opposites almost daily. I don't think it's unusual. But thanks for writing about it so eloquently. I know my husband feels he can't win sometimes. I've bitched so badly about him not calling when he is going to be late that he is getting better about it. But the truth is that calling and saying "I'm going to be late." is not going to make me happy. It's only going to make me slightly less mad than if he shows up an hour late. A lot of it is about having realistic expectations. A lot of it is also about mutual respect.

So what we have been working on is me learning to respect the fact that his work (or for the past year, school) is sometimes unpredictable and requires him to stay late. And he has been learning that he needs to remember that I am making dinner at home and expecting him to be there for it (since he usually is) and if that scenario is going to change, he needs to keep me informed. Also? Stopping to chat for a minute ALWAYS turns into half an hour with him. :) For me, changing my expectations has been hard. My parents were both teachers and were home well before dinnertime every single day. It took me a loooong time to recognize that I was blaming him a little bit for not having that kind of schedule. Which is ridiculous when I acknowledge that. But that's what had been going on in my head.

Sorry for the essay there. Great post!

[Audrey]

Thank you for this post. For articulating what is so hard for me to admit as well. Although I still work outside the home, the goal is that my husband's new career will take off to the extent that I won't have to. In the meantime, I feel like both the provider and the mother/wife/maid. I wouldn't change it for the world, especially since I was a huge supporter in him getting out of the awful job situation he was last in, yet I need to be reminded of why we're doing what we're doing, why we're struggling right now, and hope that, with my support and understanding, his career WILL take off and we'll all be better for it.

I have to remember, too, that as hard as it sometimes is to be the sole person getting our daughter through her evening and bedtime routine, he HATES that he misses it and looks forward to it on the weekends.

Thanks, Emily, for this wonderful, heart-felt, humbling post.

[annie]

I have been confronted with similar thoughts lately. Just yesterday I read this post ("perspective") over at Testosterhome, which really gave me some things to think about.

http://www.testosterhome.net/

My husband is in the process of starting his own company. Over the past two months, I have dealt with the emotions you share more than I've ever had to in the past. I know, that as things pick up for him, it's gonig to get even worse. But you're so right - we are blessed to have husbands who understand and share the priority of our staying home to raise our boys, and who have to deal with the daily struggle of finding a balance between providing for us and being with us. It can't be an easy balance to strike. I don't envy that position in the least bit.

[elise]

Marriage = Hard

[Kristen Magann]

I have your work/home life balance problem as well but to another degree. My husband is in the Army so not only does he not make it home every night when I would like him to, he also misses months to years at a time doing training and deployments. We have a nine month old but he has already missed four months of her life and he deploys to Iraq again in July. We have yet to spend a wedding anniversary together, he will miss our daughter's first two birthdays, as well as every other major holiday for the next year and half.
Honestly, I would give anything to be in your situation and to have a husband that actually gets to come home at the end of the day.