A humble moment

Something that is hard for me is being fair to my husband. Do you want to know what I struggle with on a daily basis? I never seem happy with his work/home balance, and I would like to tell you—here in one of my humbler moments—that it is not his fault.

There are days when I desperately want us to have the life he is working diligently for us to have: a life that includes the ability to pay bills on time, and take yearly vacations, and provide a college education for our children. A life not unlike the one our hardworking parents gave us. A life I am more than happy to help him achieve by being his devoted partner, his right-hand man.

On the other days, though, would it kill him to be home before 6:30 every night? How hard is it to call and let me know he’s going to be late, AGAIN? Does he even KNOW how hard my day has been? On those days, I am the opposite of supportive and understanding; instead I am frustrated and angry, and when he comes home I complain that he is willingly choosing his career over his family.

I vacillate wildly between those two crazy emotions—pride for my husband and his work ethic and his genuinely admirable desire to support a family to the best of his ability, and loathing for all the extra and off-hours he has to work to get us all there. It seems impossible for me to find a balance.

Dave and I made the decision for me to stay home full time together. It makes the most sense for our family right now, especially since I am able to cobble together a meager source of additional income through some freelance commitments. But I am almost ashamed to admit that I never once thought about the strain and the stress it must cause him to know that he is technically The Sole Provider for our family. If the bottom fell out of all of my little projects tomorrow, we could figure out a way to live. I would have to cut Target out of the equation, and we would have to stop eating out once and for all, but we could do it. However, if the same happened to him, well… let’s just say, at least my parents have a finished basement.

And yet, on at least a weekly basis, I find myself angry with him for choosing the career path he’s chosen. A career path that isn’t throwing money at him even though he works a fair share more than the standard 40 hours a week. A career path that doesn’t afford him six weeks of vacation time or generous benefits or a dependable yearly bonus. I lose sight of the most important issues through the haze of Putting My Selfish Interests First. I want my husband to be home, with me and his family. It’s not FAIR that he works so much. And I never think about how fair it is to him, this pull between work responsibilities and a demanding wife. Instead, I’m usually thinking about how unfair it is to me.

I also forget that I want him to love what he does, and to find some fulfillment in the daily grind. It’s only fair, isn’t it? I certainly have found fulfillment in mine. Why wouldn’t I want him to enjoy his job too? Why isn’t that a good trade-off, a few extra hours of work each week that ensures he’s challenged by and excited about what he does?

Because I can be selfish, and egocentric, that’s why. But also because I have a hard time seeing his side of things. He’s not much of a talker, my husband. He doesn’t come home and tell me about how his day went or whether he likes his new clients. I’ve told the story before (I think) about when Dave and I were at a party, and he came up behind me telling someone what he did for a living, and when that person walked away, Dave said, “You know, that’s not AT ALL what I do.” He’s just not someone who can talk endlessly about his job and his challenges and his goals. He’s a quiet, honorable, hard worker. He has more integrity in his pinky finger than I do in my whole entire body. (As such, he would never have an interesting blog.)

And yet, as much as I admire him for all the hard work he does, I wish he told me more about it so that in turn, I could appreciate all he does instead of automatically assuming that I Do More just because I take care of the baby and do the chores and pay the bills. And because I talk about it. I have no issues with letting him know exactly how much I do. He always listens and never complains. And perhaps most admirably, he never counterargues the way I would if he brought up how hard HE works.

It is hard sometimes to know that, for the foreseeable future, my husband’s job will involve long hours. He will never be the kind of person who leaves the office at 5 on the dot and is home for dinner at 6. He’s not going to make a salary that affords us a million dollar home or an endless string of brand-new cars or bi-annual vacations in Antigua.

The reality is that my husband wants nothing more than to be with his family as much as possible. He is trying his hardest to make sure that we get to feel secure and that we feel protected and that we have everything we need. He has the weight of an entire beautiful family riding on his shoulders and he deserves every ounce of my respect, admiration and understanding. I trust that he is doing exactly what he thinks he needs to be doing for his family.

I wish I could always remember that.

Comments

[edge]

This is one of my most favorite posts. As a father, I know he wants to take care of his family AND be with them.

~Jef

[Mandee]

What a great post, Emily.

[hydrogeek]

I have this same kind of problem, only I still work full time. My husband, however, is a farmer, so my "full time" and his "full time" are two totally different things. I just wish he could be home before my daughter and I go to bed more often. And still, like you say, he is trying to build our future, and that's hard to remember when I just want him to come home and eat supper with us.

[Jennifer]

Oh, my. I wish I had written this post!
I think it's easy to imagine my husband's workday as being all business lunches and peeing alone (yes, that wasn't a typo), whereas my days, were more spit-up, endless cleaning and dishes. I, too, never thought to consider his wanting to be home more...

[Rbelle]

You're not alone in feeling this way. I don't even have kids yet, but I know I want to stay home with them when I do, and already I'm resenting the time I know my husband will have to spend out of the house to earn what we'll need to live on. It makes me feel terribly guilty, because while I don't for one second think parenting isn't just as much, if not more, of a job than the one I'm currently getting paid for, I know he'll be working hard, maybe even doing three jobs, just so I can take on the "career" I want.

This post was lovely, thanks for the reminder that I won't be the only one struggling to make a good life for our family.

Great post! I'm winding down my career as a Realtor to take care of my 10-month old son and a new baby in September. My husband has a good, steady income and we have everything we need, but it's also really hard for me to deal with that balance. I wanted the option to stay home. Fortunately for me, my job is paid 100% by commission so I couldn't justify paying for childcare if I'd wanted to. Yesterday I didn't drive anywhere to keep us busy so that I would be able to stick to our new "cash only" budget for groceries,etc. I was going crazy...but if I were working I'd be complaining about not having any time with my son.

I'll never be able to express in words how well I understand what you're feeling, but I think about it every day (so instead I write really long posts to try and say what I'm thinking). Every week I come up with some awesome sounding way I can work a few hours per day and contribute to the finances...I forget to count that I'm contributing in a major non-financial way that I haven't yet accepted as helpful. It's a tough thing to get used to, especially if you've worked yourself up until or beyond your child's birth.

[sarah]

That is so true. I feel the exact same. It is a constant battle to find that balance. It's so hard being the mommy.
let me know if you find the secret.

[Lissa]

This was a very great post Emily. So open and honest.

[Michaela]

I used to think a lot like you, in fact, exactly like you, and it put a strain on our marriage. It was aweful!!!
Until I came across Dr. Laura Shlessinger. A must read for every wife!
My husband is a non-talker too. However, I have discovered that ever since I make more of an effort to listen, and not talk about myself, my day, my burdens, etc. so much he has come out of the closet. Now, very often he is the talker, wants to share, my input, my advice.....
Make a concerted effort to respect him, whichever way you think: dinner ready, toys away, his favorite beer/wine,..... surely there are few things you could come up with, then wait and focus on him. The pay-off will be tremendous!
Blessings!

[Matt Miller]

And it's not even Fathers Day!
There are some topics you'll never feel that you did them justice, sometimes you just need to address them though.

[Megan]

Awww, you made me cry. Beautiful post.

[Beret]

This is a wonderful post. I struggle with the same things you are describing. My husband is part owner in a successful family owned/run business. He has a work ethic like I have never seen in anyone before (at work, and things he does around the house). Because he works so hard, I have been able to stay home with our 2 children for the past 7 years (and the next 2.5 until my son starts school). He loves his work and never complains.

But..he leave each morning at 5:30 am and doesn't get home until 6pm most nights (some nights are later). He works every Saturday from 7am-2pm.

He spends all his free time at home with us, and he is a FANTASTIC husband and and ever BETTER father. He doesn't go out with "the guys" or have many hobbies that take him away from us.

Still, I find myself complaining and being upset when he calls and says he's going to be late. It's not his fault, and I wouldn't be sitting here enjoying the hell out of my kids in our dream home we just built last year if it weren't for his job. I struggle a lot to just thank god my husband has a great work ethic and a job he's crazy about.

I'm selfish, and I need to work on it. Thanks for this post.

[Pam]

I think one of the hardest things about being married is taking the time to consider our partner's feelings/side of things. It's difficult and I struggle with this as well. And we don't have kids.

The good thing is that at least you are aware that sometimes you are being unfair. That's half the battle. And I think it would be unfair to you if you bottled those emotions of frustration up all the time.

Balance is difficult.

[Becky]

Sound exactly like MY Dave.

*sighs*

Balance is key.

[cat, galloping]

This is really well-put. This struggle/conflict is actually one of the main things I use to make myself feel better about working full-time. I wrote about this recently, won't re-hash here.

[Candace]

I don't know if my emotions are running wild or what but this brought tears to my eyes. I hope to someday have such a beautiful family!

[Val]

I could have written that...and mu hubby is Dave also!

He also works long hours, which makes it difficult to plan anything. His hours are not set, and he also travels...which is not fun.
Sometimes I complain to him, but I too quickly realize that he HAS to do this...although he WANTS to be home.
It's hard.....

[maggie]

I hate being an IT widow. I hate the early morning emergency phone calls, the late nights, the weekend server updates, the way being able to work from home ensures he's working ALL THE TIME... I think I've gone through a full blown identity crisis since I became a SAHM and even though I hated having a real job, I'm jealous that my husband has an "outside" life and feedback and happy hour and gossipy stories to share over dinner. But I think I'm getting better about not being mad. Something to do with learning to see my own job in a new light and constantly reminding myself that P's revolting work ethic means I don't have to talk on the phone in an office. PRAISE GOD.

[Taylor]

I have this same problem with my live-in boyfriend. The thing is, we both have late schedules (mine mostly do to a long commute) and yet I always get angry and frustrated when he is going to be late or has to go in on the weekends to get extra work done. And get this: he's an elementary school teacher who is extremely devoted to his kids and loves his job. And I get frustrated at him for it.

How much of a bitch am I? I hate myself for it sometimes.

[Jen]

I deal with this same sentiment constantly. Things have gotten better lately because The Husband has been home at a decent time more regularly (YAY!) but for pretty much the first 9 months of Maggie's life, he wasn't getting home until 7 or later. AND I HATED IT. I tried so hard to be understanding and know that yes, he wants to be home just as much as I want him here. But it's hard to remember that when it's been 12 hours since you've had contact with anyone other than a pooping, drooling, crying baby. So yeah. Been there.

[Desha]

Ahhh, the other side of the spectrum...the whole 'grass is greener' thing, right? Whereas I tend to wish (really hard) that mine would grow a work ethic, and make some damn money already. So I could (perhaps, someday, maybe, probably not but maybe) entertain the possibility of having a baby to stay home with. At which point I would probably have the same complaints as you do. Sigh.

[Michelle]

Lissa has it right. There's a book called the proper care and feeding of husbands by Laura Schlessinger. She may be controversial, but she speaks the truth and those that feel like she's ignorant often don't want to hear or face The Truth. Women have a lot of power in how our relationships can be if we simply change small things like our attitudes. It's AMAZING a difference a small gratitude can make in a relationship. I've tried and my relationship has never been better. Check her out!

[whoorl]

Um, exactly. EXACTLY.

[Someone Being Me]

Thanks for posting this. I needed that reminder. My husband has been working longer hours since we made the decision for me to stay home. It is hard to remember sometimes that he would rather be home on his couch or playing with his son than working at 9 o'clock at night. And I know he does it for us.

[SJ]

Oh Emily, so very well stated. Even though my situation is a little different since I work outside the home full time, I just wanted to thank you for the simple reminder to be more appreciative of my spouse and not so selfish all the time. I struggle so much with the balance issue it weighs me down. And it's not fair. To me, or to him or to my children.

THANK YOU.