The Thing

There’s this… thing I do every six weeks or so. It’s kind of like routine maintenance for my body. The way it works, each and every time, is that once I remember I should do it, I announce to my husband that I will be locked in the bathroom and COMPLETELY UNAVAILABLE for the next half hour or so, and then, as I’m trudging up the stairs to do my work, he peppers me with six thousand questions, all of them variations on the basic theme, “But what are you going to DO in there?”

I never tell him. I never WILL tell him. And if he really wanted to find out, all he’d have to do is rummage around in the cabinets under the sink in my bathroom and the answer would be OBVIOUS. I suppose he might never have thought of doing that (because he is respectful and kind 96 percent of the time and I make it pretty obvious that I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT), but what I like to think is that he doesn’t actually WANT to know.

Because, remember? I am the kind of wife who pees with the door open and who had a five-year battle with warts and who was suspected of CRAPPING THE BED ON HER HONEYMOON. In other words, if it embarrasses me to verbalize to him what it is I’m doing in there, it must be pretty awful.

In actuality, it probably isn’t that bad, like, at ALL, really. Except that one time in high school, someone made an offhand, joking remark about The Thing, and that comment has stuck with me ever since. I even remember what I was wearing when the comment was made (it wasn’t particularly cute). And as a result, I have remained hypervigilant about keeping The Thing under control.

Let’s be clear here: I’m not huddled inside the bathroom filing down my extra finger or shaving my unibrow into two separate entities or doing any kind of aggressive internal cleansing to prevent odor or anything. But I am still SO EMBARRASSED about it. I don’t know anyone else who does The Thing, nor do I even know of anyone who looks like they SHOULD do something about Their Thing. I feel… so alone and isolated in my… Thingness.

In fact, remember when Survivor first came out? And everyone was all, SURVIVOR! AWESOME! and the first three or four seasons were so fun to watch and everyone was thinking about how great it would be to actually be on Survivor?

And there I was, thinking, “There is no way on God’s green Earth that I could be on Survivor because what in the world would I do about My Thing?” It is bad enough that I wouldn’t be able to keep my bikini line in check (I know what you’re thinking: pre-trip WAXING, DUH, but you apparently aren’t aware of my Aggressive Hair Regrowth Problem). Anyway, HEARTBREAKER—Survivor was totally out, becuase I couldn’t let My Thing be revealed to the world via national television.

Now you’re dying to know what it is, aren’t you? I BEG OF YOU NOT TO WAGER A GUESS IN THE COMMENTS. That would just be like creating a multiple choice answer key where Dave could begin his Thing research.

Is there anything you refuse to share with your husband or spouse? I can’t be the only one, right?

Comments

[annie]

I have a thing that I do too. Only I have to do it far more often than every six weeks. Anyway, my husband knows that I disappear to do it. And he knows what it is that I'm doing. But we DO NOT talk about it, nor does he ever see me while in the process. Once, and only once, did he comment that it was time for me to "take care of" the thing at which point I promptly informed him that this is a conversation that we never had and will never have again. And that, NO, it is NOT his responsibility or business to EVER comment on the thing. EVER.

My sister-in-law has a similar THING that is far less obvious and far more common. And she complains about it EVERY TIME I SEE HER (she lives next door) and NEVER DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I just listen, because my thing is not something I talk about at all. to anyone. But I swear to you one of these days I'm going to grab her by the hair, shake her back and forth, and tell her to JUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT IF IT BOTHERS HER SO MUCH.

Sorry about the venting. My point is - good for you for handling the thing, rather than just whining about it. That's the way to be, Emily. :-)

[Kelly]

I am dying to know what this THING is. And trying to figure out if there is someTHING that I should be doing but am ignoring, thus making me gross and weird. Is it weird to be THINGless? Gahhhhh.

[DiaryofWhy]

I MUST KNOW THE THING. Please tell? You really can't do this to us.

I have so many Things that it's a little ridiculous. And all I have to say is that if you only have to do The Thing once every 6 weeks or so, it can't really be that bad.

[Lawyerish]

Well this just...this isn't FAIR! My mind is reeling with the possibilities. And aside from dying of curiosity, I'm also sitting here going, "I don't think I have a Thing! But what if I do and I just don't know it and everyone I've ever met is thinking, she should really take care of that Thing?"

{hides under desk}

Oh, and to answer your question, nope - I don't think there's anything I hide from the Mr. All my flaws are pretty much on display at all times (and oh, there are many).

[nonsoccermom]

Yes, I also have a Thing. I think my husband probably suspects that I have this Thing, but we never, ever discuss the Thing. Ever. I have managed to always discreetly take care of my Thing without bringing it to his attention. And on the flip side, if he happens to have some sort of Thing, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

[divrchk]

This is the cruelest post ever. This is worse than you promising to don a wet suit for our viewing pleasure and not following through with that.

[Stacie]

I'm perplexed. I lived with you and shared a bathroom with you and I have no idea what you are talking about. I've either blocked this out of my memory or I just never knew you had some secret grooming routine every six weeks or so. My first guess was hair removal from a certain region, but since you said that's not it, my guess is dying/bleaching hair somewhere on your body. You better tell me...

[heidikins]

...I can't possibly imagine what your Thing is that is so horribly embarassing you can't share it with the entire Internet...but I am dying to know! I don't have a Thing! Does that make me a freak? I mean, I have this one, random, errant stray hair that I have to attack every few weeks... but that takes a whole of 2.3 seconds, not 30 minutes. What's the Thing?

xox

[bleeding espresso]

I think I have at least one thing maybe but there's nothing that I actively hide from my OH, so maybe I don't have things or even a thing after all.

But now, like Kelly above, I'm wondering if I *should* have a thing and I'm just burying my head in the sand about the whole, well, thing....

This was a scary post.

[Schnozz]

This was just mean.

[Dr. Maureen]

I have a Thing. It is called "The Girl Thing" in my house, and Andrew totally knows what it is, and I know he knows, but we don't discuss it. I say, "I have to do a girl thing, so I need ten minutes in the bathroom," and he says "Fine," and pretends to have no idea what I'm doing. But he is not blind.

My thing also requires more frequent attendings-to than every six weeks, and these attendings-to seem to becoming even more frequent as time goes on. I may have to research a new way of attending to it.

My vigilance to the girl thing stems from a cruel comment some jerkwad prepubescent boy made to me when I was in the 7th grade. You should note that I went to Catholic school, and this comment was made at mass, during the SIGN OF PEACE.

Now you must tell me your thing via email and I will tell you mine. I think they are the same, actually.

[PumpkinMama]

Must. Know. What. Thing. Is. NOW!!

I have no THING, and like others who are thingless, am wondering if I am shirking some duty that my mother failed to educate me about.

[Mims]

Oooh...yeah, I have a THING, too. My husband knows about it, has seen me do it, even. But he doesn't comment on it and we don't talk about it. Funny how men sometimes have that sixth sense about things, huh?

[Lissa]

oh my goodness my mind is whirling now!!! I am not married nor am I in any type of a relationship at the moment, but I always worry about what he's going to think about my strange quirks. I LOVE to look at my pores in the mirror. Remember that sex in the city where they show Charlotte and her giant mirror. THAT'S ME!

I'm so nervous now. I mean men just don't understand these things.

[Sheila]

I am flummoxed. And hoping I do not have this Thing unknowingly. Would someone tell me if I had A Thing?

[M]

I do have a thing, but by the sound of yours I know they're not the same. Mine isn't so terribly secret though. I know I've mentioned it around my husband and if he ever walked in on me taking care of it I wouldn't be mortified. Like a couple other commenters though, you do have me wondering if there is some THING I should be tending to that I'm not!!

[Amanda]

Hmm... this is bugging me. I wish I knew what the hell you were talking about. Because I have a thing. My husband knows, but you know, I'm all weird about the process and keep him locked out as well. But anyway, I RARELY talk about it to anyone. So I'm wondering if your thing is the same as mine... or maybe not... and I'm totally missing something very important. And you know, the fact that we can't play the guessing game is really unfair. hmmm...

[pam]

Are you not of the human persuasion? How can you alude to 'the thing' and then ask us not to quess? If you REALLY don't want your husband to guess, and us too, then you must email each of us and tell us what.the.damn.thing.is!!!

[TamiW]

Are we going to have to separate in to two groups? One group of ladies who has "a thing" and the other group who does not have "a thing"????

I do not have a thing. I'm 48 years old. Have I had a thing and didn't know about it?

Must. Know. Thing. Jeeze, I feel so left out.

[J]

Okay now I am worried. I have so many things that I don't keep hidden. As a matter of fact, I have always prided myself on keeping nothing hidden! I am now beginning to wonder if this will come back to haunt me one day. I'm a go to the bathroom with the door open girl but I am also a maintenance with the door open girl as well! Am I torturing my husband? Is he just too nice to say that it is repulsing him??

[June]

I have a thing too! When we were first married, I waited until he was out of the house to take care of my thing. After a few years, I would take care of it while he was home, but would lock myself in the bathroom. Now, I might come out of the bathroom while taking care of it, but if he notices he doesn't mention it. I'd rather he didn't see it, but I don't freak out if he does.

[chatty cricket]

Ok, like Kelly, I'm very concerned that there is someTHING that I may be missing. Is it something I should take care of before I end up in Labor and Delivery?

Hmmm, my thing is that I swore off salon haircolor about a year ago after I figured out that I can do a better job with my one process in the comfort of my own home while my children nap, versus spending all of my time and money getting my hair done by "my girl." So once every 6 weeks I go into the bathroom (with the door wide open) and have myself a little spa session. Hair color, eyebrow waxing, maybe a mud mask, or a pedi....but this is all above board and Sweetie totally knows. He's even seen it in action.

[elise]

I do have a Thing. And my husband has no idea of the Thing. I hide from him and I don't even announce that I am going to do the Thing, and therefore I think it is a complete and total secret. However! I am DYING to know what your Thing is, and like many others, am wondering if it is A) the same as my Thing (don't think so though, as you ruled out errant...hair growth) or B) it is a Thing that I need to be doing, and am NOT doing, and am gross because of it.

[Jennifer]

ThingS, my friend, THINGS. There are some aspects of my life and habits that my husband is better off not knowing about.

[Lisa]

Well, for one, my boyfriend will never know how much I weigh. He is an inch taller than me and is insanely skinny and weighs 140 pounds and I weigh... more than that. Not much more than that but enough that he will never know. I'm 5'9" and people don't understand that taller girls weigh significantly more. I've told him he'll never know and I really think it's best this way.