I HAD NO IDEA *Now with clarification!*

HOLY CRAP, you guys. I honestly can’t figure out who among us is smoking more crack: me, the person who has a Thing that she decided to write about on the Internet in a moment of Writer’s Block, or ALL OF YOU, who actually think that all your begging and pleading will convince me to REVEAL IT. Also something that does not help your case: ALL THAT DEMANDING TO KNOW in what I perceived to be an angry tone of voice. Oh, and calling me mean and horrible! That really gets you nowhere, EVEN IF YOU WERE KIDDING.

Honestly, I had no idea this post would incite such a Comment Riot. I didn’t think you would care! And I figured if you DID care, that you’d care in a much less frightening and imposing way.

There are some things we have to address here.

First of all, if you are worried because you don’t have a Thing, and maybe you suspect you should? FEAR NOT. I promise you, if you had the same Thing I deal with, you would absolutely, most DEFINITELY know. You would so totally know, I SWEAR. What I do to myself is not something everyone needs to do. And frankly, if you must know, it doesn’t even take a full 30 minutes to correct! But I figure while I’ve secured a good chunk of time to linger in the bathroom, I might as well take a few extra minutes to paint my toenails or give myself a mini-facial or read a magazine after I attend to The Thing. Do you feel better now, Thing-less people? It’s OKAY not to have a Thing! God made you that way, which is to say, God made you a little less… uh, high-maintenance than he did some of us.

Second of all, those of you who HAVE a Thing, and who feel much like I do about MY Thing (which, in case you missed it, is: Moderately Embarrassed and Also Not Willing To Talk About It), thank you for saying so. For the most part, you all seemed to feel similarly. You deal with it discreetly, you’re sometimes ok with your spouse knowing the situation exists, but the day you have to TALK about it with that person is also the day you are DEAD INSIDE. I get that! I respect that. I don’t care if we’re talking about your mustache or your toenail fungus or those crazy nipple hairs that appear after you’ve had a baby and your hormones are going all wacko. I feel your pain. Especially about the nipple hairs, even though nipple hairs are so totally not My Thing.

THIRDLY. I am not administering enemas. I am glad that so many of you were so concerned about my Bowel Condition that you felt a pressing need to email, but no. No no no. Regularity is practically my middle name.

Fourthish. So, in all honesty, The Thing probably isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, I loved that there were a lot of you who also have a Thing that you consider moderately embarrassing and yet, you laughed about its existence with your husbands. But for me, even though I realize most of you would actually be disappointed if I revealed how non-exciting/non-horrible my Thing is, I just… I just can’t, and I think that’s because that comment, all those years ago, made me self-conscious about it for good. I mean, still, something like 15 years later, I can barely think about that moment without wanting to lie down in a busy intersection. It was MORTIFYING, you guys. So mortifying, in fact, that it pales in comparison to the time in seventh grade when someone told me that my maxi pad was so huge that it looked like I stuffed a pillow down my pants.

YES. REALLY.

So you know what’s mainly preventing me from telling you The Thing, right? I mean, besides that whole thing about how it makes me want to throw myself in front of a truck. Also because I am stubborn.

So, eh. I don’t know. Give me some more time to think on it. Let me mull it over. Allow me to become COMFORTABLE with the idea. And while I’m mulling, you can apologize for calling me mean and horrible. And then you can send money, because I am starting to wonder if perhaps I need Thing Therapy.

* * * CLARIFICATION * * *
OK, so I feel like I have to clarify that I am not the least bit angry or frustrated with anyone. This little rebuttal was written BEFORE I figured out that you guys really and honestly thought I was purposely dangling a carrot in front of you. I swear, when I wrote the original post, I thought nothing of it. I wasn't purposely trying to elude anyone, or make it into a tease. I really wasn't. And it wasn't until this post was posted (which didn't come across as lighthearted as I meant it to; I could have used a few creative writing courses in college, I guess) that I realized that. So, apologies to everyone who thinks I am angry or that their comment MADE me angry or that WE ALL CAN'T JUST GET ALONG. 

Sigh. And I hear you on the wetsuit. YOU GUYS DON'T FORGET ANYTHING, DO YOU. Well, crap. Now I owe you a wetsuit video AND my Most Embarrassing Body Quandary. SUCK.

Comments

[Karly]

I apologize. But, I think you should know that I was watching the History Channel the other day and they kept showing pictures of humans with tails. And I could not help but wonder if your THING was a tail that you had to go sand down or something. Nevermind the fact that one with a tail would probably not use sand paper to rid themselves of the tail, THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT. It might just be better to tell us all of the THING and get it over with. I'm done begging now.

[Caitlyn]

Oh man... I really hope you tell it. You're making me think that I have a Thing too.

[jonniker]

I have many Things, and they have been guessed already. Two things, to be specific, although I'll never tell one of them, the one is that I shave my toe and foot hair. I mean, not like they're hobbit feet or anything, but it's THERE.

That being said, I have another Thing. That I will never tell. And I'm with you, dude. WITH YOU IN NOT TELLING.

[Lisa]

You can't just put your Thing out there without an explanation or vivid description and not expect us to all jump on it. That's just...I don't know...bad blogging or something. LOL You'll just have to let us know now or you'll be forever hounded about this. Just like your promise of the wet suit (which by the way, I think we're all waiting for). You'll never live this one down and with the wet suit issue on top of this, well you'll be bearing some horrible guilt for not giving in to all of us. And with the Thing problem and the horrible guilt...well that just sounds like some expensive therapy sessions!!

[Alisha]

I say, keep your Thing to yourself. If for no other reason, just to spite all the people who demand that you spill your guts. Since when does having a popular blog mean that you have to reveal every little (and not so little) secret about yourself?

Now the wet suit thing is in a whole other category. Because you actually told us that you would wear a wet suit to walk your dog. We didn't make a demand, we just met the conditions you set forth. That's about the time I started reading your blog and honestly the first few months I just stuck around waiting to see the video. I'm not holding out for the video anymore, I'm just here because I enjoy reading.

Sorry for the book. I guess I have lots to say today. The End.

[Danell]

Honestly, I know quite a few people who feel the need for regular enemas...but no seventh grader ever looked at another seventh grader (or whatever grade is was!) and mentioned the fact that it looked like they needed to go take care of that. Right?

So, uh, I kind of ruled that out...although, it possibly is one Thing that I could imagine no one would ever want their SPOUSE to be in on. THAT image would be a little difficult to get over later on in the bedroom, no? And now that I mention it, I guess there are a number of Things that I wish my husband and I had kept private from each other just for that reason. (Like maybe pooping WITH THE DOOR OPEN. We are very regular around here.)

[Megan]

Wait, what's all this about nipple hair?!?

[Nessa]

Sorry I called your horrible. It just seems so unfair to danlge a carrot like that and then not give it to us. But reallY? It's your thing and if you don't want to tell us, that's cool.

Oh, and I almost wet my pants after reading Karly's comment! That is pretty funny.

[Meika]

Ha! Tails. Heh heh heh... :D Needed that laugh this morning...

[Superfantastic]

If teaching experience is any indication of what you're facing as a parent (and I suspect it may be) we might be doing you a favor in preparing you for all of the YOU'RE MEAN that will be coming your way over a multitude of perceived sins to include forcible practice of spelling words and the not getting of a specific desirable thing. I've learned to take mean and evil as compliments. You're only mean when you stand your ground, which I suspect is as important when dealing with the internet as when dealing with children.

[Marjorie]

I lived w/ you for 2 years, shared a bathroom for part of that time...and I have NO CLUE what The Thing is. And I am okay with that. :)

[Suki]

There is certainly no need for anyone to be mean to you or "angry", but that post did strike me as being similar to someone walking up and saying, "I have a secret, but I'm not going to tell you what it is". Truth be told, I probably didn't care about the secret to begin with. Prior to the announcement of a secret, I had no idea one existed and never would have inquired about it in the first place. I still don't care what your "thing" is honestly, but I came away from that post with an odd feeling of 3rd grade deja vu.

[pam]

You're off my reader. I've decided your last two posts just made me feel, eh not good is the b

[nonsoccermom]

I have no idea why people were getting angry and all worked up about that post. I thought it was hilarious!! And while I would of course like to know what your Thing is, that's just me being nosy. I don't NEED to know.

[Julia]

I would like you to consider sharing what your Thing is, now that everyone is all worked up and thinking about their own personal Things. We each have our own! Or maybe you could just give some good hints if you don't want to come out right and say it.

But you did tell your internet about faux pooping in your honeymoon bed, so why the shame now :)? That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

[Wickedly Scarlett]

I've got it! You're sanding down your demon horns so that your neighbors won't notice them when they come over for cocktail parties!

In all seriousness though, if you don't want to specify what The Thing is, then don't! The internet will find a way to move on, and in a week the majority will have forgotten that there was ever a Thing to ponder over!

[Allison]

This is cracking me up! Seriously! This is friggin hilarious! All that to say that it KILLS me not to know what your THING is. Seriously... Can we play 20 questions? Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

[Teeny]

You mean the comment that made you so self conscious about the Thing was WORSE than the maxi pad comment?? No wonder you're keeping quiet!

I didn't think anyone sounded angry or mean in the comments - more along the lines of 'you're killing me here, tell meeee!'. That's certainly how mine was intended. If you're not comfortable sharing your Thing, then don't. People will forget about this much quicker than they'll forget about the wetsuit...

[Molly]

Ok so I THINK I know what the thing is because one of my college roomates had to tend to her thing every so often too. And as much as I love her, I could not stop myself from laughing when I saw what she was doing. Every time.

So I get it. It's your thing and you don't have to share :)

[Kristy]

In lieu of you telling your Thing, I'll share a story about a friend of mine's Thing, and you can yell out, "warmer...WARMER!" as we near the completion of the story...

When we were in college, my friend was getting ready for a date - walking around her apartment sans jeans (all breezy-like, as we girls do when we're getting ready and don't want to mess up the outfit we'll be wearing out).

(This was thirteen years ago, and I'm sad to say I STILL have a mental picture of it.)

She walked around the bathroom corner to tell me something, and I kid you not, her "lower 'fro" had more bulk to it than Bozo. It must have stood five inches away from her body. I seriously had no idea pubic hair could be that volumous - even if a person went au natural for their entire lifetime.

Being the discreet person that I am, I walked out into the garage and returned with the hedge trimmers.

******

It's along those lines, right? You're "gifted" down there. I can totally see getting made fun of for that as a 12 year old - in gym class...or wherever.

[Christie]

Now I'm totally disappointed. I really thought it was going to be nipple hair, darn it! :-)

[Amanda Brown]

You are so cruel. I don't have time to read all the comments from the last post but am leaning towards a possible moustache bleaching/waxing thing, or some fierce nipple hairs that require tweezing, or DOUCHING (I hate that word!).
I need to know, Emily. We will love you all the more for telling us, I promise.

[my life is brilliant]

Glad to hear you're not administering enemas. I can't believe people actually emailed you about that! So funny. Plus, six weeks? If you had a problem in that area, I'd think six weeks wouldn't quite cut it ...

[eb]

I've got to say if it isn't nipple hair or any of the other aforementioned "things" I'm a little scared to find out! Somethings just need to be private! But 20 questions would be TOTALLY fun!
:)

[Kim]

I didn't think people were angry, just emotional. Excited to find that you feel the same way they do about their embarrassing Things! I think it was more their emotion about their own Things coming through. Maybe?