An assortment of crap. LITERALLY.

First things first: Do you design websites? Do you want to redo this old ugly one? Well hey! GREAT! Because I WANT YOU TO. If you have the time and want the work, would you email me at the address over there under my picture? At this point in time, I’m not sure whether I want a complete redesign or just a new banner and colors and fonts or something, but that’s why you can contact me and play The Expert and I will play The Person With The Checkbook Who Says: To Whom Do I Make This Out? Also, if you’re someone who has USED someone to redesign their website, I would love to hear about that too. Thanks.

[Pause while I try to discern whether the sound I hear coming from the monitor is Asher breathing or Asher having another explosive diarrhea moment. I will wait five minutes—if the smell doesn’t reach me by then, I will assume the former.]

Something I have been thinking about lately is that someone who is all scientific and such should do a study on birds and their selective memories. Because I don’t know if you were with me last year when we had some minor bird trauma around this house, but

[OH LORD, IT IS DIARRHEA, I CAN HEAR IT BUBBLING INTO HIS DIAPER RIGHT NOW]

Ahem. It has been a few hours. I have been… uh, elbow-deep in some things. I’m sure you can imagine what.

Anyway, last year there was some bird trauma during the deck building process and yet the bird involved seems to be back in the area scouting out places to build her nest again. She seems to clearly recall that last year’s nest was built in our outdoor storage closet when we accidentally left the door cracked open. Or I assume this is the case as I have seen what I think is the very same bird revisiting the storage closet several times a day for the last week or so. (The door to that closet is VERY TIGHTLY CLOSED at present, and I have absolutely no intention of opening it up to more death and destruction.) 

So this is what I don’t understand: she remembers that last year she found a GREAT PLACE to build a nest. It was warm, comfortable, dry, spacious. It was quiet. It was in a great neighborhood with good schools. And she would obviously like to use it again. So why is it that she can remember all those details yet she can’t remember that last year not one of the offspring hatched in that nest MADE IT OUT ALIVE?

One of her two hatchlings fell out of the nest and onto the concrete while he was still all creepy and featherless. I picked him up and put him back in, but I believe she refused to feed him and then when he died, she pushed him back out of the nest. (Hateful! No respect for the dead!) And the other baby got out of the nest before his time as well (semi-feathery, but not enough so) and somehow managed to get a box of nails dropped on his head. (Husband still denies involvement! LIES! ALL LIES!)

Why would anyone want to return to the scene of such a horrific crime? Is it because it was so EASY to build the nest there? Is she lazy? Is it because this bird is an unflagging optimist who doesn’t let the past get her down? Is it because I fill up the birdfeeder ALL THE FRICKING TIME because I like to entice squirrels onto the deck so the dog can chase them off, in other words, FREE FOOD? I DON’T KNOW. I am perplexed and kind of suspicious and honestly, I’m still pretty disgusted with her for breaking into our bedroom last year and pooping all over the entire upstairs.

Things I Do Not Want A Bird Pooping Upon This Year:

Our new bedroom office space! With too many chairs and nowhere to put them!

Things I Would Not Mind A Bird Pooping Upon This Year:



Future Playroom, Current Big Hot Mess

Things That HAVE Pooped On Me Today But The Presence of His Stellar Attitude Has Meant That I Really Haven't Minded All That Much:

A few moments after this photo was taken, Asher actually managed to call and leave a four-minute long message for my sister-in-law that mostly just consisted of me yelling, "I HAVE to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW. Please, just wait ONE MINUTE and I'll help you, but first I HAVE to use the bathroom, OK?" Thank you, God, for the small things, like the fact that it was a family member receiving this message and not, say, my biggest freelance client or my endocrinologist or one of my husband's poker buddies. Otherwise I would need someone to drop a box of nails on MY head. FROM A GREAT HEIGHT.

Comments

[NGS]

Is she lazy? Is she an unflagging optimist? That tickled me in just the right way. Thanks for the laugh!

[ali]

can i pimp my blog designer...because she's friggin' awesome. her name is becca and her blog is http://www.dasbecca.com
i HIGHLY recommend her!!

[Manda]

I think I'm turning into my grandmother because
1. I LOVED that post and read every word with rapt attention. No skimming whatsoever. Birds apparently FASCINATE me, as they did my grandmother, who we called "Grandmother" by the way.
2. I also LOVED that extra chair in your bedroom, like FLIPPED OUT! about it and THEN I scrolled down and there is this sweet young whippersnapper just being his cute self and I NEARLY DIED.
3. I hate bird poop. Old ladies hate bird poop, right?
Ok, I guess I went a little far with the old lady comparisons but WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CHAIR?!! I have nowhere to put one like it BUT I WANT ONE!!
:) Manda

[Amanda]

Holy CRAP - the last part about the four minute message had me giggling like a fool while sitting at my desk presumably working hard on spreadsheets.

[Erin]

You are so funny! And the picture of Asher is flippin' adorable!! He is too cute. Glad he's in a better mood for you so you don't mind what is coming out of the bottom area of his body!

[mandy]

HAAA, that is pretty darn funny.

[JP]

You probably haven't noticed this, but my Asher has changed a lot recently. He's like a little boy now!

[Kristen]

Such a bummer about the birds, because we had a mama bird build a nest in one my hanging plant baskets outside (ask what happened one night when I went out to water the flowers -- did a freakin' bird come flying out at me and did I scream bloody murder? YES). She had four babies, and we happened to come home just as they were all leaving the nest for the VERY first time, all fluffy and feathery, and learning to fly ... it was one of the cutest things I've ever witnessed. We tried to make the area all hospitable again this year, but apparently we were only a starter home for her. She's probably looking for a pool or something.

Also, she didn't poop on anything major. That was a big bonus.

[Karly]

I would be really interested in that bird study. Last year we had a bird that would come and sit on the cable line hanging outside our living room window. When the bird thought we weren't looking she would fly into the CLOSED window, bounce off of it and land back on the cable line. And she's back this year. Bouncing off the same window again.

[edge]

I do design sights and I have a pretty good portfolio, but they are all blogger stuff. If that wasn't the case I would jump at the opportunity.

~Jef

[Mims]

That is SUCH a cute chair and I love that last pic.

[Molly]

He's getting so big! I want to kiss his little belly.

[andrea_jennine]

BooMama and Big Mama recently had site re-designs by the same person; their new looks are fresh and cute.
http://boomama.net/
http://thebigmamablog.com/
Or there's always Holly's Sean, right?

[holly]

Yes, good thing it was just your sister-in-law. Sometime last year, my son was pushing the buttons on the phone and for some reason didn't throw a fit when I took it away from him. Then the phone rang. "Hello, this is the Fairfax County Police. We just got a 911 call from your number."

[SherE1]

Your boy is so cute! And that's hilarious about the voicemail message!

We have sparrows that like to come and build their nest under the "v" of our rooftop at the back of the house. It's right above the sliding door so if you aren't careful when stepping outside, you might get a surprise on your head (and I'm not talking about a box of nails, either!) They've had some of their babies fall from the nest and it's such a height that the babies never make it, yet they too like to come back every year and build their nest there. I don't think any of our neighbors share our problem. The sparrows just chose our house for some reason. Strange, isn't it?

[Moose]

Your new home office space is beautiful. (I'm very keen on all sorts of small space decorating ideas, now that I have a space whose width can be encompassed by my OUTSPREAD ARMS.)

Web site redesign. Oh, how I've been lusting for that too. Look forward to seeing yours!

[Tara $]

For all those books, you should try www.paperbackswap.com. The name says paperback, but they also swap hardbacks and books on tape. Getting them out of the room might make it a little easier to get on with the room re-designing. You're getting in a lot of re-designing this year. Yeah you! Have you started having to beat the girls off Asher yet? He's adorable!

[Julia]

I stumbled over here and your blog is freaking hilarious. Props. I just had to say it!

[steff]

I have an entire room devoted to office stuff but would love to make the room multifunctional and remove the bulky desk ... so where'd you find the desk?

[Carrie (in MN)]

We had a similar situation once and I actually called wildlife rescue to ask how I could dissuade mama bird from rebuilding. The answer? "Ma'am, there's a reason for the expression 'birdbrain'" That mama bird wants to rebuild there because she doesn't have enough intelligence to remember the trauma of last year.

[Patti]

Just curious...where did the large shelving unit come from? The big brown one with the squares. I've been looking for something like that and can't seem to find one anywhere. Thanks for your help!

~Patti

PS - LOVE the pic of Asher on the phone. Absolutely adorable!!