Anniversary

One year ago this month, I joined Weight Watchers Online. It only took me about two months after the day I signed up to lose between 20 and 25 pounds. Two or three months after that, I hit my goal weight; a weight which I originally only entered into the computer system because it was the highest weight that Weight Watchers would allow for my height. I have lived the last eight months in a state of alternate disbelief and euphoria: the body I have always wanted is mine, and it was surprisingly easy to achieve. My only regret is that I lived so many years of my life heavier (and therefore more uncomfortable) than I ever wanted to be.

I have to be clear that “the body I’ve always wanted” isn’t actually the same body I thought it was. In my teens and early twenties, the body I REALLY wanted wasn’t one I could realistically achieve. My body, like so many others, wasn’t genetically engineered to host toothpick legs and a tiny torso. After I had Asher and decided that I didn’t feel good about my body in its postpartum, cheese-eating, couch-potato state, I had to reevaluate what it was I actually wanted. Because no matter how hard I tried, no matter how little I ate or how many miles I jogged, I was never going to look like Heidi Klum.

What I decided I wanted out of my body was this: I wanted to feel confident. I wanted to be comfortable. I wanted to run farther and faster; I wanted to be a good role model; I wanted to be able to wear a swimsuit (not even a bikini, just a SWIMSUIT) without feeling like wrapping a beach blanket around myself to walk thirty feet to a public bathroom.

When I was a teenager, I spent a lot of time wondering what it would have been like to have been born as one of those skinny girls who never had to worry about eating right or exercising. I was never angry with God about the way he made me; and despite my desire for a different figure, I was always confident that I had a great personality and a good head on my shoulders and I never got truly caught up in mourning the could-have-been body. I loved being myself. But still, I thought about it. I wondered what life was like for people who could get up in the morning and choose from more than two pairs of pants that they felt comfortable in. Who could wear skirts without a second thought, while I was worrying about my thighs rubbing together and chafing. Who could take a lunch to school that contained cookies without worrying that someone was thinking, “She certainly doesn’t need to be eating that.”

That body I thought about back then isn’t at all the body I want now. The body I want now—the body I HAVE now—makes me happier than that Dream Body could have ever made me. What I have now is a body I am not self-conscious about, even though I sometimes still need a double-digit pants size. What I have now is a body I am not ashamed of, even though it doesn’t look like anything featured in a glossy magazine. What I have now is a body I am proud of, because I am healthy and strong enough to do whatever it is I need to do, and be what I need to be, for my husband and my children.

Now, when I put on clothes in the morning and stand in front of the mirror, instead of thinking, “If I could just lose five or ten more pounds…” I am instead thinking, “I look good. And I am content.” And granted, this is the smallest size I’ve ever been and the lowest weight I’ve ever been in my entire adult life. But the thing is, I know I could be smaller—if I worked at it, if I dedicated myself to it, if I let it take over my life. If I let it become my focus. I could whittle myself down to an entire size 6 wardrobe if I really had to. If it was important to me.

But I am healthy exactly where I’m at. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I really, really like myself. I am really and truly happy with myself. I am really proud of this body and proud that I did this myself and I am determined to stick with it. And because my attitude about myself in turn affects everyone around me, I am not going to let this 140 pounds of flesh be something that alienates me in any way from the people who I love—and who love me—most. Because I am healthy, I am a better mom, a better wife, a better person.

And it feels damn good.

Comments

[Shanna]

First off, CONGRATS! I know that you have worked hard, and at times struggled with sticking to it, but you did great! You should be proud of yourself! I am so happy for you that you feel such confidence (of course I would want you to be happy with yourself no matter your size, but you really earned this). You have inspired me to take a harded look at my own weight issues and stop making excuses for myself. I am not happy with my body right now and I should start fixing it today, not tomorrow, not after I finish the laundry. I am going to make changes NOW. Thank you! I hope that I will remember how you feel right now when I need a swift kick in the butt to stick with it in the future. As usually, your post is exactly what I needed to hear!

[SalemHouse]

Bravo!

Thanks for reminding us all that it's not the number on the scale that matters...it's the quality of life, and the pure joy of living in a healthy body that enables the lifestyle you want.

[susan]

Sing it sister! It's not the number on the scale but how you feel about it. Thanks for posting!

[beth]

WAY TO GO!!! That is so awesome, it such a hard commitment to make and you rocked it's world!
This week I finally picked my butt off the couch and started exercising... reality punched me in the face when I tried on a dress that I was planning to wear to wedding next weekend and I couldn't get it over my hips, muchless zip it up.
So three cheers for you sticking with it and hope against hope I will too!

Congrats...that is awesome!!!

[Julia]

This is lovely. Lovely. Thank you for sharing your inspirational words!

[Susan]

Congratulations on being you Emily!! I am very proud of you. That is an amazing accomplishment!! I wanted to tell you that you are my inspiration for joining WW. I'm not too far from my goal weight and, like you, I really like my body and am proud of it and what I can accomplish. You are a positive role model and I thank you for that!!

[Stacie]

You really are an inspiration. And I'm not just saying that cause I'm your friend. I really admire your self esteem and determination.

[Jen]

I don't know about you, but I've noticed that since having a baby, even though my body isn't 'perfect', I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin than I was before. I don't know if it's just that my focus is different now or what- but I don't worry (as much!) about the bumps and lumps here and there. I think I respect my body so much more now after birthing a HUMAN. hehe Of course, I'm glad I lost all the baby weight and I'm back to feeling like myself again, but that belly I've always had? At least now there's a reason for it ;) hehe

Congrats on one year!! WW is amazing, isn't it???

[Mims]

Congrats to you and thanks for the sage advice. What you say can be applied to so many other things, not just losing weight. You highlight for the importance for all women to bring out the best in themselves. You look fantastic, by the way. I am a newcomer to you blog and it wasn't until I dug back into your archives that I realized you had lost so much weight. Yay you!

[Natalee]

*high five*

[Adventuremommy]

Congratulations! I am in the same position you are and you expressed my feelings perfectly. I have two daughters, ages 1 and 3, and I am in the best shape of my life. I am also thinner than I was in high school. I started going to Curves four times a week after my second daughter was born and I rarely miss. No, my belly is not completely flat and toned, but it no longer matters to me. This body made two amazing little girls. I am happy and confident and I think it is so important that my daughters see that. I don't want them to grow up with the same poor body image I had. I just turned 30 a few weeks ago and I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to love my body for what it is, but the journey has made me who I am. Congratulations on your success.

[Tanya]

Congratulations! That is such an inspiring post.

I am in the process of this same journey. I don't care about being stick thin, I care about being healthy and comfortable in my own skin.

[sally]

I am giving you a virtual standing ovation. This is wonderfully written and a great message. I am NOT at the weight I feel good at or that I look the best. But I decided about a year ago to stop hating myself and my body. I need to get healthy. Not thin.

I just applaud you for this positive and healthy message.

[sally]

I am giving you a virtual standing ovation. This is wonderfully written and a great message. I am NOT at the weight I feel good at or that I look the best. But I decided about a year ago to stop hating myself and my body. I need to get healthy. Not thin.

I just applaud you for this positive and healthy message.

[Kirsten]

That is wonderful and I truly admire you for reaching your goal AND for being happy with yourself...you know, I think you are the first woman I have ever heard admit that, and that's sad but I am so incredibly glad you did it. It must be a wonderful feeling and you have helped me get motivated to get the same feeling. I turned 30 a couple of months ago and told myself it was time to stop the excuses and finally lose the weight and get a body I'd be happy with. I am 5'6" and weigh 145 lbs. so I know it really wouldn't take much to get where I want. I might just go for Weight Watchers online...I did points years ago and it worked but I never did the online system so it's worth a shot.
Congrats and thanks for the inspiration!!!

[Jennifer]

You should be very proud of yourself! It's such a great feeling to be comfortable in your skin and to make peace with your body.

This entry could not have come at a better time for me. I've gained a considerable amount of weight in a relatively short period of time and while I'm not going to let it ruin my life, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pretty down about it. With this post, you've inspired me to do something about it so thanks!

[Lori]

Emily - I am so happy for you, and you've been an inspiration to me throughout your new role as a first-time mom. I love your honesty and the effort you make at everything you do -- from losing weight to raising Asher to helping little Emily. Good for you. You so deserve to have a body you're happy with, and you are giving hope to so many people by expressing that without self-deprication or apology. Yay for you!

[katie]

all i can say is THANK YOU for this. oh, my heart aches for the state of our culture and how it praises women primarily for how they look and how "perfect" their bodies are. women need to realize that their worth does not come from trying to look like those airbrushed photos in the magazines. what you said here is empowering and inspiring.

[ali]

wow. i DREAM of this. you are AWESOME!

[Laura]

Oh, way to go, Emily! Both for meeting your goal and for having such an awesome attitude. It's rare to see such a positive post about body image, it's hugely refreshing! Congratulations!!

[anne]

What perfect timing. I just started my first ever official "diet" last week and really needed to hear this - so thank you!

[Amanda Brown]

You are my hero, Emily. Really, this is an inspiration.

[jenn]

Congratulations! Thank you, this post is uplifting and inspiring, and exactly what I needed to hear in my own quest to be comfortable with myself.

[cheri]

Congratulations not only on losing the weight and keeping it off, but on having such a positive attitude about yourself. With previous posts about WW you had inspired me to join (you should seriously get compensated for advertising!). I'm just under 140 but want to lose more. However, after reading your post, I must say I am mostly happy with myself, am able to run farther than I ever have, feel mostly comfortable and much more confident in my clothes when I stand in front of the mirror. I know I'm healthier and a better wife and mother because of it. Thank you for the reminder that it's not all about what the scale says but about how we feel and about being healthy.