Anniversary

One year ago this month, I joined Weight Watchers Online. It only took me about two months after the day I signed up to lose between 20 and 25 pounds. Two or three months after that, I hit my goal weight; a weight which I originally only entered into the computer system because it was the highest weight that Weight Watchers would allow for my height. I have lived the last eight months in a state of alternate disbelief and euphoria: the body I have always wanted is mine, and it was surprisingly easy to achieve. My only regret is that I lived so many years of my life heavier (and therefore more uncomfortable) than I ever wanted to be.

I have to be clear that “the body I’ve always wanted” isn’t actually the same body I thought it was. In my teens and early twenties, the body I REALLY wanted wasn’t one I could realistically achieve. My body, like so many others, wasn’t genetically engineered to host toothpick legs and a tiny torso. After I had Asher and decided that I didn’t feel good about my body in its postpartum, cheese-eating, couch-potato state, I had to reevaluate what it was I actually wanted. Because no matter how hard I tried, no matter how little I ate or how many miles I jogged, I was never going to look like Heidi Klum.

What I decided I wanted out of my body was this: I wanted to feel confident. I wanted to be comfortable. I wanted to run farther and faster; I wanted to be a good role model; I wanted to be able to wear a swimsuit (not even a bikini, just a SWIMSUIT) without feeling like wrapping a beach blanket around myself to walk thirty feet to a public bathroom.

When I was a teenager, I spent a lot of time wondering what it would have been like to have been born as one of those skinny girls who never had to worry about eating right or exercising. I was never angry with God about the way he made me; and despite my desire for a different figure, I was always confident that I had a great personality and a good head on my shoulders and I never got truly caught up in mourning the could-have-been body. I loved being myself. But still, I thought about it. I wondered what life was like for people who could get up in the morning and choose from more than two pairs of pants that they felt comfortable in. Who could wear skirts without a second thought, while I was worrying about my thighs rubbing together and chafing. Who could take a lunch to school that contained cookies without worrying that someone was thinking, “She certainly doesn’t need to be eating that.”

That body I thought about back then isn’t at all the body I want now. The body I want now—the body I HAVE now—makes me happier than that Dream Body could have ever made me. What I have now is a body I am not self-conscious about, even though I sometimes still need a double-digit pants size. What I have now is a body I am not ashamed of, even though it doesn’t look like anything featured in a glossy magazine. What I have now is a body I am proud of, because I am healthy and strong enough to do whatever it is I need to do, and be what I need to be, for my husband and my children.

Now, when I put on clothes in the morning and stand in front of the mirror, instead of thinking, “If I could just lose five or ten more pounds…” I am instead thinking, “I look good. And I am content.” And granted, this is the smallest size I’ve ever been and the lowest weight I’ve ever been in my entire adult life. But the thing is, I know I could be smaller—if I worked at it, if I dedicated myself to it, if I let it take over my life. If I let it become my focus. I could whittle myself down to an entire size 6 wardrobe if I really had to. If it was important to me.

But I am healthy exactly where I’m at. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I really, really like myself. I am really and truly happy with myself. I am really proud of this body and proud that I did this myself and I am determined to stick with it. And because my attitude about myself in turn affects everyone around me, I am not going to let this 140 pounds of flesh be something that alienates me in any way from the people who I love—and who love me—most. Because I am healthy, I am a better mom, a better wife, a better person.

And it feels damn good.

Comments

[isabel]

This post does my soul an infinite amount of good. Thank you. It's good to hear a woman say these things. Yay, you!

[Lesley]

Good for you! I myself am working towards that goal. Getting closer....and harder at the same time. Your post came at a time when I needed it most.....much inspiration! Thank YOU!

[Beth]

If only all women spoke about themselves this way ...

Thanks for being so eloquent.

[Ms. Runner]

Congratulations!

[Superfantastic]

Good for you. For losing the weight and for choosing strong and healthy over size 6 obsession.

I'm trying to climb back on the wagon after my week-long Girl Scout Cookie binge. It was worth it though.

[Carla Hinkle]

Congratulations!!!

It shows how messed up I am about what weights look like (including for myself) that I never in a million YEARS would have thought you weigh 140. You look like about 120 to me. I guess I should just say, you look fantastic.

I joined WW online on Feb 29 partly from hearing about it on your website, and it has been great!

[Keli]

I've been sitting here trying to think of something to say but nothing even comes close! Thanks for having the courage to be bien dans sa peau as an example for the rest of us.

[mom2werogers]

Congratulations to you - you put in the hard work and reaped the reward. You are making me want to join weight watchers one more time and give it a go.

[annie]

Emily - you are awesome. Congratulations on your anniversary. It really is a big deal. In reading this post I am reminded why it is that I read your blog in the first place - you are so genuine and sincere. Your incredible sense of humor is just icing on the cake.

As I've shared with you before, it was by your example that I joined WW myself last summer. I felt encouraged by your success and real proof that it was possible to be healthy and happy. Now, one month away from delivering this baby, I find that I am so excited to get back to it because I know that it works....not only for you but for me too! :-) This time around, the pre-pregnancy clothes don't seem so out of reach. And that is a nice feeling.

[Annie Parsons]

This post rocked my world. I'm going to chew on your words for awhile - I know it. Thank you.

[Katy]

I think i felt the same way until a couple weeks agi when i realized that I didnt care anymore, (Yes ia m one of thise girls that doesnt gain weight and my matabolism is fast) but after i had a baby that extra 5 lbs wasnt comming off and now I dont care anymore, cause i feel good in my body and I think im hott. Im so proud that you wrote this blog. its an issue many people deal with and cant get over. But you did and thats FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!

[bethanywd]

That was one HELL of a post.

[JAB]

Wonderful, wonderful post. You are inspiring.

[ashley]

What a great success story! You look fantastic.

[Katie]

congrats em!
i am proud of you.

[Kate]

If only women everywhere could say the same about themselves. If only mothers everywhere could teach their daughter this same thing. If only society would encourage and market this attitude instead of the anorexic, unhealthy bodies they parade before us. Regardless of what the scale says, confidence is the sexiest, most attractive quality in a person, and you, my dear, seem to have it in spades.

[Amy]

Good for you! I love to hear stories like this. I, too, am at that point in my life. I joined Nutrisystem in Sept 07 and within 5 months I lost 41 lbs. I feel better than ever and like getting dressed in the mornings. I no longer have to say "I'd be happy if I could lose 30 lbs". It's a great feeling and although I beat myself up for not doing it sooner, I'm glad that I was finally to the point in my life that I knew I was worth it. Congrats - I know you're an inspiration for many!

[All Adither]

Nicely said. Now, can we have a pic?

[strange bird]

That is awesome. It made me happy to read this.

[Stephanie]

I just talked about my love of WW yesterday. I lost almost 50 lbs about 3 years ago and I love my body now even though I do struggle still with maintaining it and my own mental image.

[Beth]

Delurking here. . .
Congratulations on your achievements, on finding personal happiness and contentment with the body you were meant to have:) Reading this this morning puts a smile on my face. Refreshing to read such a healthy attitude towards weight loss and body image.

[Lawyerish]

Dude. DUDE.

This post makes me want to do the watusi around my office and then come down there and give you a hug.

Because HOW REFRESHING (and also, of course, how great that you reached your goals and feel good -- woo!). I've had it with reading about/listening to body/body image angst. I wish everyone would adopt your attitude of being healthy for its own sake, and reaching a place of peace about what our bodies are meant to look like based on God, genetics, etc.

Also, I have to say that everyone I know who has done Weight Watchers has had phenomenal success with it. Thumbs up to WW for helping people change their lifestyle, not just crunch on celery and hate themselves.

[Molly]

Stands up and applauds.

You are awesome!

[Meika]

Your post is an encouragement to me, Emily, and got me thinking lots of things. I've just recently realized that I inherited my body image problems from my mom, who came by them honestly through a dysfunctional childhood. It's challenging to me to realize that I'm standing in a position now where I can either pass these same foolish issues on my my daughter or do something much harder and end this generational nonsense right now. Your success makes me feel like that's something within reach, and I appreciate your sharing it.

[TheHMC]

Excellent, and congrats on it! I need stories like this as I've started on the road to whittling my own ass down. I knew it would be hard.. and that's why I put it off for so many years. I'm determined now though. I just need to get my food under control(eating the right things, right portions, and at the right Times.... those are what I struggle with most!) and then I might see some results.

Way to go!!