A whole week goes by, and all I've got is a malfunctioning Shop Vac story

Something you should probably ask your husband about is whether the Shop Vac’s filter has been replaced properly, even if you distinctly remember making seventeen separate trips to Sears in the last six months to do just that. Also, as a general rule, you should do this asking thing BEFORE you plug the Shop Vac in and start to use it. Because should the answer happen to be “no,” then you will have saved yourself a lot of things, among them time, frustration, boxes of Swiffer refills, and irreparable lung damage.

Because guess what happens when you use a Shop Vac without a filter to vacuum up all the debris in your fireplace? IT JUST SHOOTS OUT THE VENTS AND COATS YOUR HOUSE WITH AN INCH-THICK LAYER OF SOOT. Do not rely on the toddler to alert you of the situation because he will FAIL MISERABLY, even if the vents are blowing directly into his eyes. And the air will be so full of dust and particles that you will not be able to see three inches in front of your face, which means that when you run to open the door to ventilate your home and prevent you from dying of Terrible Sooty Lung Disease, you will knock the toddler standing four inches from your face flat onto the ground. THERE WILL BE CRYING. (Probably from both of you.)

Also you will not want to call your husband because you just KNOW he is going to tell you that the one and only thing the Shop Vac is not made to do is vacuum up fireplace soot, you dummy. (You are pretty sure he will probably be able to tell you what page of the instruction manual this information is located on.) But it is okay to call your husband! Because he is going to be nice about the whole situation, and he is going to tell you that if the filter is working properly it should not be doing that, and also that he is sorry that it happened to you.

He will not, however, drop whatever he is doing and come home to help you Swiffer up the mess while the toddler naps. You will be okay with this, because the mess reminds you that this whole situation is EMBARRASSING, and also because when he comes home from work later, he will be armed with a dozen pink miniature tulips. Trust me, you do NOT want to miss out on the flowers.

THE END.

Except that I wanted to show you the fireplace, because I got all excited to rip it apart and rebuild it after we made our pilgrimage to Lumber Liquidators on Sunday to pick out the new floors for our remodel. THE DREAM IS COMING TRUE, PEOPLE.

Here you go:



Keep in mind that this picture was taken AFTER I’d cleaned up the soot situation and torn down the old, awful, half-broken hanging screen that surrounded it. So it’s like two percent less ugly than it was before. And fifty percent cleaner. And I didn't even bother to fit the broken piece back in before I took it either.

The problem with the slate surround is that it’s too wide and too black and we have absolutely no idea how to clean it. And neither did anyone who lived here before us, because there are big drippy splotches all over it where various products were applied and left stains. Honestly, it’s just an eyesore, isn’t it? 1978 was an awful time to be a fireplace.

The plan going forward is to rip out the slate and replace it with some more modern tile (the resulting hearth will be approximately half the size of the current one, if that) and then to have my brother build a custom mantle surround that will go around the perimeter. Because if we can’t make this thing disappear altogether (ALTHOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO) at least we can make it look nice. Or, well, less atrocious.

And I know you aren’t going to believe me, but the hideous sofa covering is only in place when there is a risk of the dog tracking mud onto the couch. Which is kind of, like, all the time when your backyard is just a big wet expanse of earth without a blade of grass in sight.

THE END. AGAIN. (Also: THANKFULLY.)

Comments

[Steff]

So about the Shop Vac..once I plugged the kitchen sink with potatoe peels then thought ah ha the Shop Vac will get them out...well that did not work and I got laughed at and still get teased about it. So - go ahead - and kiss your tulip delivery boy!! :-)

Knocking over a 20lb kid the worst feeling ever...especially when he is your own!

[Shawnna]

I see your fireplace dilemma.... who would put in it in a corner like that??? Could you just cover it with a 'fake wall'?

And I feel your pain over the couch. I also have a red couch...it's a fur magnet!!

[nancypearlwannabe]

I keep telling Chris I want a fireplace when we buy a house, but after this story I may rethink my demands. Plus it's almost spring, and by June I will have completely forgotten what it's like to be cold.

[Tessie]

This one time? My husband decided that he disapproved of the 70s textured ceiling in one of our rooms, so he SANDED IT OFF with a belt sander, and by "off" I mean INTO OUR LUNGS AND ON TO EVERY SURFACE.

Then, THEN! He tried to vaccuum the resulting residue, ruining not one but TWO vaccuums in the process.

True story. I'm telling you so that when I die of Black Lung disease and/or Asbestos Poisoning, the story won't die with me.

I know this sounds weird, but try baby oil for the slate.

[Kate]

Your couch looks exactly like mine and for the exact same reason. It sure is embarassing if someone stops over unannounced that I have an old blanket draped over it, but the dog always charges into the house with muddy paws (we also have a mud-only yard at this time of year) and jumps straight onto the couch. Also, regarding the ShopVac, at least your husband doesn't put it away WITHOUT EMPTYING IT. EVERY TIME.

[Mandi]

I was just thinking, "Oh joy, even Emily with the adorable decorating sense sometimes keeps blankets over her couch!"

[sally]

I just assumed you did what I did in my parent's garage when I turned the shop vac on to BLOW instead of SUCK and garage debris went a flyin'. This was shortly before I lifted up the hose and it grabbed on to my shirt and firmly attached itself to my right breast.

[Salome Ellen]

ManTEL. Mantle is a cloak, or a lantern wick. This drives me CRAZY everywhere; don't take it personally. :-/

[Julie]

We totally use our shop vac to vacuum up fireplace soot. And it works great, so it totally can be done! (Maybe it's not SUPPOSED to be done, but it CAN be done.)

But I did have to laugh at the thought of you and Asher just being coated in a layer of soot and dust. Thanks for the smile today!

[Mama with Marriage Tips]

I love the corner. Reminds me of mine :D

Well, having an 8, 6 and 3 years old kids, mine is worse! Trust me!

[Meredith]

You make me laugh! I love your writing.

[my life is brilliant]

Good for your husband! What a keeper. :)

[Manda]

At least you TRY with the couch ... I've given up. The dogs are king of the couch. Which is of course trashed.

And go husband with the tulips!! Yay!