Remember, I haven't slept for WEEKS

I was drifting peacefully off to sleep last night when Dave suddenly rolled over, nudged me and whispered, “Is that song stuck in your head again?”

Which. Huh. IT IS NOW, YOU BIG JERK.

So I spent another restless night at the mercy of an old, terrible Meat Loaf song that has been reworked to promote a cable network’s reality home-buying show. Have two more bizarre things ever been married together this way in the history of the world? I sincerely doubt it.

I took your advice, though, and stopped by the grocery store on the way to our music class this morning to buy some Simply Sleep. After some thoughtful consideration, I purchased the 24-count pack. At first I was strongly tempted to buy the 100-count jar seeing as I would be getting four times as much product for only twice the price (BARGAIN), but then I got really depressed about ever needing to use 100 sleeping pills JUST TO KEEP FUNCTIONING NORMALLY, so I am calling myself optimistic and the 24 pack will have to suffice.

I also did a little groggy research this morning after three or so hours of sleep and realized I probably need to make an appointment with my doctor. Not only am I having trouble sleeping, but I am ravenously hungry most of the time and I LOST WEIGHT OVER THE HOLIDAYS. It would make a lot of sense if my thyroid hormones are out of whack and shifting me towards the hyper end of the spectrum. On a more frightening note, a thyroid imbalance could also have contributed to the miscarriage I had in October. Oh, I know this riveting paragraph has you all on the edge of your seats. I promise to keep you posted as to the status of my poorly functioning thyroid gland and the goiter that sits atop it.

(Yes, I have a goiter. It has been ultrasounded and everything because apparently at first grope from a licensed, board-certified endocrinologist, it feels just like a tumor.)

I was pretty exhausted most of yesterday so we spent the afternoon at my parents’ house with my mom and my eight-month-old niece. I dragged out three enormous Rubbermaid bins full of books my mom saved from when my brother and I were kids and went through them. Most of them are still too advanced for Asher to appreciate (never in my life did I think The Poky Little Puppy would be considered advanced reading BUT THEN I HAD A CHILD) so I appreciated them for him.

Behold! A small sampling of the contents of my childhood reading collection.


You CAN say no... but you don't HAVE to.


I don't know why this book is in our collection. I assume my mother bought it when we were between six and 10 years old, and yet, here we are, 25 years later, and ALL of our various grandparents/elderly relatives ARE STILL ALIVE. What a tease.

My favorite page from Why Did Grandpa Die?:

Hey Molly! Way to be a TOTAL DOWNER. Everyone else is talking about going to the beach and Disney World and camping and you're going to spend your entire turn talking about how Grandpa's surgery went awry. AWESOME.


Was anyone else aware that there are Christian ways to educate our children on what sounds the animals of the world make? Well THERE ARE.

And my personal favorite:



"Don't worry, kids. A little secondhand smoke never killed anyone! Now try and hold that pointed trowel dangerously close to your eyes, in case we take a tumble."




What? You don't let your two-year-old handle rusty nails? No time like the present to start learning about the realities of LIFE, people.

And this has little to do with anything but indulge me:

Issue dated Fall 1984. My parents have been saving a Muppet Magazine from 24 years ago. But it should come in handy come Halloween time, don't you think? Asher will make an awesome Boy George this year.

Comments

[andrea]

I searched high and low for a copy of "We help Daddy" and of course had to have the mommy version as well since they were my all time favorites as a child. I finally found some on ebay for $5 bucks a piece which seemed like such a bargain; not really when I received them with the .29 cent sticker still attached to the front.

I can guarantee that my husband has that exact copy of Muppets magazine in a box in our basement.

Good luck getting some sleep!

[Natalee]

OMG, you crack me up! I had that same "You can say NO" book as a kid. It has since turned me into a paranoid person who constantly fears kidnapping. Thanks A LOT Little Golden Books!

[beebop]

my personal fav in the "we help daddy" book (which my mom saved from my childhood as well & I now read to my 19 month old daughter) is the page where they are building a birdhouse while mom bakes the pie in the kitchen. as if, dad.
in the "we help mommy" its all about grocery shopping, cleaning & making dinner for dear old dad! love those books.

[Lawyerish]

Ok, first of all, I totally remember that issue of Muppet magazine. I wonder if my parents still have all of my Stickers and Annie magazines? That would be extremely awesome. What says "kid friendly" more than Mr. T, anyway?

Also, we have "We Help Mommy" at my parents' house. I freakin' LOVE that book. Between helping Mommy with all her (Valium-soaked) domestic duties and Daddy with his home improvement projects, those kids must have been way too tired to misbehave. I think this is a parenting philosophy we can all get behind.

I think you need to post what the Christian animals say. Otherwise, how will we know if our pets have been saved?

[Maren]

Gonzo's Guide to Breakdancing - please be sure to take pictures if you try any of those moves! Too funny.

[Nessa]

Loved the flash back, thansk! As for the sleeping pills, I went through a really rough sleeping phase and my doc gave me Lunesta and I was terrified I would get hooked. He gave me 30 pills and I still have the majority of them over a year later. Most people only need a few nights to re-train their body into sleeping. Don't worry, you probably won't be on them forever.

[Edge]

I know EXACTLY that song you've been hearing. And it's exactly why my Blogger picture is meatloaf. That chick in the red dress is mysteriously hot to me for some odd weird reason.

And I have some of my children's books in a box in the attic. They are well worth a read every now and then. And have you seen the Mr. T commercial for World of Warcraft? It's hilarious. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bsOKH3_DNo

~Jef

[Carrisa]

Tape worm is the new South Beach!

Just sayin'

[ashley]

BEST. POST. EVER.

Hands down. :)

I totally had that We Help Daddy book, too. I love how the sticker is still on the front (it cost 59 cents. FIFTY NINE! if only kid books were still that cheap...)

That commercial IS absolutely bizarre and insane.

[BethanyWD]

Two comments.

1. It's hilarious to me that I actually purchased a bottle of Simply Sleep today at the grocery store and I DID NOT EVEN HESITATE TO PURCHASE THE 100CT BOTTLE.

2. Re: the books. I totally remember my mom reading to me the Christian sex-ed books. Gosh I wish she still had those!

[Lynda]

As a former hyperthyroidal person (Graves' Disease - fun!), I agree it is worth getting that checked out. And for what it's worth, I was told by my consultant that I could happily get pregnant even while my thyroid was malfunctioning to its heart's content. Good luck and POST MORE FROM THOSE BOOKS!

[Nadine]

Dad looks like Hugh Hefner (when he is pushing the wheelbarrel)Especially with the pipe in his mouth.

[She Likes Purple]

Seriously, just the laughs I needed at 5:19 on a Friday afternoon when I'm STILL at work.

[Megan]

Oh, I read those books about just saying "no" and about grandpa dying. I don't know why my mom got those books, either - the first grandparent of mine who died, passed away when I was like 10. And we'd had those books a long time. I hope it wasn't wishful thinking on her part....

I think that series in question also had a book about moms who go back to work. If I remember correctly, the book's take-home message was "if mommy goes back to work, that means more money for treats and toys for YOU." It was the 1980s, after all. They had to sugar-coat the experience.

And I agree with the pp about "you can say no" - I'm totally paranoid about strangers now. I don't think that was the intended effect...

[Superfantastic]

Could you please email me the instructions for being a Cyndi Lauper look-alike for Halloween? I want to be the one to walk in the sun.

[mandi]

You should take a look at the HGTV guy's pants. They're jacked up to his armpits, and he has that "big boy pot belly" that makes him oh-so-effeminate. It's just HOT, if you ask me. The commercial was bad before I noticed the pants. Now it's hilarious.

[Dr. Maureen]

The rusty nails thing kills me.

Also, were you aware that I am a huge Muppets fan? And that I once spent an extraordinary amount of money on a Rowlf video on Ebay? And that after that particular purchase I had to put a moratorium on all of my Ebay purchases because I clearly could not be trusted not to get caught up in the heady thrill of winning the auction at all costs?

I can once again Ebay responsibly, but I had to wait at least three months. And I am anxiously awaiting Season 2 of The Muppet Show on DVD.

I pity the fool who doesn't like the Muppets.

[annie]

So last night was I was hypnotizing myself into a deep depression while watching Property Virgins (which, for me, translates into watching everyone else in the world buy a house except for us), I got to see your commercial and laughed to myself because now I know that I'm not the only one who things it's incredibly annoying. I stopped laughing HOURS LATER, though, when everyone in my house was sleeping except for me. When I finally dragged myself downstairs to depress myself even further, I thought to myself, "I wonder if Emily's awake, singing sleep on it to herself." Looks like you were. Sorry about that. Have a wonderful, peaceful, drug-induced sleep tonight!

[Owlhaven]

The We Help Daddy book features my favorite little-kid illustrator, Eloise Wilkins. I love the baby-faces she draws.

Mary, mom to many

[Alice]

I went through a really bad bout of insomnia when my oldest was a little over a year. I'm not sure what it was all about, but it was never determined to be medical. I finally participated in a sleep study, I got so frustrated with it.

You should definitely get any possible medical causes checked out, but if all that gets ruled out like they did with me, this book really helped me: "No More Sleepless Nights". You can find it on Amazon.com.

[Heidi]

Wow! That is a blast from the past. I too saved my copy of "We Help Daddy" and recently pulled it out to read to my son.

My favorite picture is the one where the dad is sawing a piece of wood and the little girl is handing him is pipe.

[robin]

hilarious! i had all those books as a child & i wish i'd saved them (or i wish my mom had)...thanks for the laughs!

[Becky]

"It's not a tum-ah."

[Amanda]

Those books are ridiculously funny. I love the helping Daddy one. haha!

Ok. So, I have hypothroidism too... so bring on your goiter stories! haha! We could compare pre/during/post pregnancy TSH levels! haha! Ok, I'm done.

[Trish]

Is it possible you might be pregnant. The symptoms you described sound a bit like you might be......tired.......hungry......loss of weight (if you haven't been eating enough for two). You never know. Might want to hold of on the sleeping pills.