A lazy Wednesday for everyone but my uterus who is totally pulling overtime

First things first!



SNOW! SnowsnowsnowsnowsnowSNOW SNOOOOOOWWWW!



And also! Ads for television shows are now appearing on my deli Honey Ham! Jimmy Smits is watching me intently each and every time I eat a sandwich! THIS IS VERY VERY WRONG ON ALL KINDS OF LEVELS, perhaps most disturbingly that Jimmy’s co-star—the one all cozied up to him on that picture, the picture stuck to the plastic bag that contains DELI HAM, lest you forget—has probably never eaten a sandwich in her entire life.

On to the more important things. I failed to understand that a raging case of PMS last week would be the precursor to the worst period I can remember having in all my fertile days, and I started having Fertile Lady Cycles at the tender age of ELEVEN. I did a little Googling and found that it is reportedly common for the first period following a miscarriage to be a doozy but what I did not expect

[IMPORTANT SAFETY ALERT: If you are squeamish, or a man, or one of my relatives, specifically one of my squeamish male relatives who is at risk of passing out on his keyboard while reading anything mildly icky, I highly recommend doing something other than continue to read this post. I hope you got a laugh out of the ham situation up there, but now I think you should go somewhere manly, like here or here or here, and leave me be to discuss some things with the ladies for a few moments.]

was to ruin two pairs of pants in the course of three hours due to its heavy qualities. That’s not two pairs of underwear, people; TWO PAIRS OF PANTS. It was awful and Dave was out with friends and I waited up for him until almost midnight (UNHEARD OF) because I was too scared to go to bed where I would lie horizontal and also mostly unconscious for seven or eight hours and therefore risk ruining our mattress. And do you know what is worse than ruining your mattress? Taking it to the dump with a big old bloodstain in the center, that’s what.

He was finally able to convince me to get some sleep (albeit on a pile of stiff old towels from the hall closet that we keep for the sole purpose of wiping the dog’s feet) but when I got up from the office chair where I had been crafting all night, I failed to be discreet about checking the seat for traces of… leakage, and Dave went all pale and ashen and I could see him mentally vowing never to sit in that chair again.

Everything went ok overnight, although I am going to be in need of some additional Feminine Protection very soon which is a real travesty because there are .0002 inches of snow on the ground which means everyone in the Metro D.C. area has probably already raided the grocery stores for supplies in case we are TRAPPED FOREVER IN OUR HOMES and I don’t know about you, but if I am going to be trapped in my home for weeks on end, I am going to have some tampons on hand. There are probably none to be found in a sixty-mile radius. I am going to have to sew some myself.

Which is ok, because did I mention that I am CRAFTY? Except I won’t tell you exactly HOW I’m crafty or exactly what I made because I have two blogs and I need something to post on the other one later today. But you’ll want to go there, you know, LATER TODAY, because what I made is cute and adorable and a total rip-off from about six gazillion other people on the Internet. Also I won’t even be able to use it for at least another year or two. Aren’t you curious now? Don’t worry, I’m not aging cheese or anything. Not being able to use it for a couple of years has nothing to do with curds and everything to do with the physical and mental capabilities of my child.



Aaaaaaand judging by his reaction to the laser pointer, maybe we’re talking five, six years. Best case.

Comments

[slynnro]

I've become fairly oblivious to the constant marketing that surrounds us, but the ham? TAKING IT TOO FAR!

[Kristie]

Making tampons huh? I've heard of people making pads, but not tampons. Maybe you could find your niche there!

(I hope the ickyness goes away, and fast!)

[Kristie]

Oh, I forgot the ham! Insanity, I tell you. ADVERTISING on ham?! What's next? Advertising on toilet bowl cleaner?

[slynnro]

Oh, and sorry about all the heavy bleeding. Apparently menopause has the same fun in store- one of my friend's mothers actually ruined a bench seat in her father's truck because of it. And she had a tampon and a pad and had just changed both 30 minutes prior. Can you imagine being 50 years old and having that happen? Oy.

[Ingrid]

First some assvice: Clorox2 color safe bleach. My magic eraser for blood stains.

Secondly, you getting up from the office chair reminds me of a quote from "The Family Guy"-
Lois: (being romantic) I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter: That's ok. We'll throw that chair out.

[Jen]

I bled through on my mattress. I used a stain stick and water and it mostly came out. And I did this very early in the morning and let it dry ALL day so I wouldn't have to sleep in a puddle.

[D'Rae]

Where can I find your other blog?

[Jenn]

Be glad you don't have to drive anywhere today. My commute from Burke to Reston? TWO HOURS AND FORTY-FIVE MINUTES! Yes, it took me almost three hours, 2hrs 25 min of it from the Bed Bath & Beyond in Fair Lakes-on. Niiiice. I fell asleep--when I woke, the cars in front of me had not moved. And there was nothing (nothing!) on the roads until I was 5 minutes from my office.

[chatty cricket]

I'm sorry, but I did get a small giggle at your expense with the image of you trying to dispose of your suspicious crime scene mattress at the town dump. Lordy, this is all you would need, right?

What is the crafty?? And the ham? Creepy. Do his eyes follow you around the room?

[Robin]

I love me some Jimmy Smitts ham(purrrr...)!

Just kidding.

Here in Germany you'll find ads on toilet paper in public restrooms, which in a really strange way is kind of convenient. But deli meat? That's a new one.

[Holly]

Oh boy, no ads on ham up here in the Great White North. I might literally laugh my ass right off if that happens. Headline: Woman loses ass in deli-aisle from too much laughter.

I too got a little giggle from your 'female' story. Sad situation of course.

[Kim]

In the summer, my godson fell at the park and cracked his head open. (it's a long story, but 6 stitches later, he's fine)

The point I was on my way to making was that we used his t-shirt to put pressure on his head (his favorite t-shirt, at that) and I was convinced it was ruined.

I decided to try to get the blood out and surprisingly was successful. All I did was soak the shirt in cold water for a day, empty the water and then put in fresh cold water and soaked it for another day. Then I soaked it with some laundry soap for a while longer and washed it. The huge, blood stain was no more.

As long as your pants aren't white/light beige, this should work...you know, unless you already threw them out in your disgust ;)

[Becky]

Big.Fat.Suck.

Sorry, duder. That blows.

[Steff]

My husbands' appendix incision broke open in our bed - it was a bloody mess - we got it out with simple green solution.

I have heard you can become a fertile myrtle after a miscarriage - it worked for me!

[Lissa]

Do you remember my most embarrassing story? So umm... yeah I feel your pain.

[Amanda Brown]

Hamvertising is wrong on so many levels.
When I first got my period it was so heavy I thought I was going to die. I remember leaking through every tampon and pad and adult diaper (just kidding on the diaper) I could get my hands on. Then it settled down and became a lot more manageable. Hearing about your terribly heavy flow brings back memories of being 13 years old and standing in the shower trying to rinse all the blood away but it just kept on flowing...oh, puberty and all the pain that came with it!
PS: I think your old diaper bag is funky and cool.

[MLE]

Hope this isn't gross TMI, but if you'd like to try to save your pants, spitting on the stain with your own saliva might help to get the stain out. Apparently, we all have proteins in our saliva that counteract our own personal blood. I've actually used this method to save underpants I liked.

[Heather B.]

There's an ad on your lunch meat, this disturbs me on so many levels. And it makes me wonder how Jimmy Smitts feels about his face being plastered all over some ham. Next up, it's some bologna.

If it makes you feel any better, I ruined my favorite pair of jeans last week. Because seriously, it came out of NOWHERE.

[Pessimistic Redhead]

Damn, that kid gets me every time! He's so damn cute. Hang in there with the Period from Hell. My boyfriend's sister had a horrendous period after her miscarriage but after that one, it was all back to normal!

[Mara]

Sorry about the awful period. That one after a miscarriage sucks-- one of mine was literally worse than the m/c itself. But they should go back to normal soon, or at least mine did.

[my life is brilliant]

Hope everything gets back to normal soon. Eek.

That picture of Asher in the snow? ADORABLE!!!

[my life is brilliant]

Hope everything gets back to normal soon. Eek.

That picture of Asher in the snow? ADORABLE!!!

[my life is brilliant]

Hope everything gets back to normal soon. Eek.

That picture of Asher in the snow? ADORABLE!!!

[metalia]

The Jimmy Smits ham is just NOT RIGHT.