Just happy today is over

Asher had his six-month well-baby checkup this morning, and as my mom and I walked out the office, I was struck by how much my attitude towards these appointments has changed. At times I think my perspective has changed as much as—if not more than—how Asher himself has changed. And Asher has changed A LOT. About 12 pounds worth, if you must know.

Those appointments used to be so nerve wracking. Were we doing everything right? Was Asher growing correctly? Was he meeting the appropriate development milestones? Would I be able to ask all 33 questions I had written down to discuss with the doctor or would they impose a limit on my time in the exam room? Everything the doctors and nurses told us I took as unwavering truth at the beginning. I read the little booklet they gave us upon our discharge from the hospital from cover to cover, following their instructions for infant care to the letter.

Today the only helpful piece of information I left the office with was the news that Asher is perfectly healthy.

During the examination, the nurse asked me how Asher was sleeping. I answered very honestly that he was doing a lot better, but that he was waking up once a night and that we were feeding him. “Oh,” she said. “Well, just don’t feed him.”

I don’t know how that piece of advice would have affected me if I was still the me I was when Asher was only a few weeks old. The me who was nervous and bumbling and absolutely terrified of messing something up—or even worse, of blazing my very own Parenthood Trail by following my own instincts to take care of my child instead of the advice I found via a book or medical website or a doctor.

I can tell you that today, though? Today I just plain ignored her. Because I’m going to feed my kid when he’s hungry even if every textbook and doctor in the whole entire world says that if he’s over twelve pounds and six months old that he should be sleeping 12 straight hours a night. I find it so bizarre that someone who must see as many babies a week as the employees in our pediatric practice do would lump them all together like that. Wouldn’t you think the more babies you see, the more you would recognize that every kid moves along at their own individual pace? Even the little handout they give me at each well-baby visit lists things like “Baby may be able to sit upright unassisted,” or “Baby may begin to imitate sounds he/she hears you make.” In other words: Just because some kids do it at two/four/six months DOESN’T MEAN YOURS HAS TO.

I guess sleep is the only exception? There was no “well, for some babies it takes longer before they sleep through,” or “if he’s very active and he doesn’t get enough food during the day, he’s going to be hungry at night.” Nope. Just “don’t feed him.” Genius, really. And so incredibly helpful. EYE ROLL EYE ROLL EYE ROLL.

A different nurse came in to administer his vaccinations and I took issue with her, too. Apparently the office was short on nurses that day, so they asked her to do vaccinations even though she’s normally one of the practice’s lactation consultants. When she mentioned this to me, I told her that I had found the lactation program within the practice to be very helpful when I was having trouble with Asher in the early days.

“I’m glad,” she said. “This practice is one of the only ones in the area that offer lactation consultation.”

“It was nice for me to be able to come here and just pay a co-pay since private consultations can get so expensive,” I told her.

Unfortunately, this was WRONG.

“It’s not actually expensive like people think it is,” she snapped at me. And then she went on to tell me she only charged $184, and that was for TWO FULL HOURS of consultation and then down the road if you were having trouble again, you could come back and see her FOR FREE. Whoooooeeeee! What a bargain! And such a pleasant disposition to go with it!

“People simply cannot use the excuse that lactation consultation is too expensive to keep them from breastfeeding,” she continued in what I perceived as a rather snotty manner. And then she confirmed that it was a snotty manner because she followed that gem up with:

“I walk around Costco looking at all the crap people buy; all the money they spend on TVs and CDs and video games all loaded up in their carts… don’t tell me people can’t afford a lactation visit.”

So! Judgmental much, Lactation Lady? Or is business just really in the toilet? She got over herself long enough to explain the oral vaccination she was about to administer to Asher: “This is going to be really salty. Some babies like it and others don’t.”

I decided to make a joke. Sometimes I can be funny! And sometimes that helps distract from all the hatred! Of the Costco-non-lactation-visiting people who would rather have a plasma screen than functioning teats!

“Oh, he’ll probably like it,” I said, “because he happens to have a mother who LOOOOVES French fries.”

WRONG AGAIN.

“Oh! You SHOULD NOT be eating French fries!” she scolded me harshly. Like I had just announced that I would be eating French fries—and ONLY French fries—until I turned 60. Like I had no concept of the term “moderation.” LIKE I NEEDED TO BE SCOLDED BY A LACTATION CONSULTANT ABOUT THE EVILS OF LARDY FRIED FOOD.

Completely insulting. I tried to tune her out completely at that point but she was going on and on about never letting her grandkids eat fries and how fry-eating has been linked to breast cancer and something about baking fries as an alternative (which, WHAT?!) and I kid you not I was actually very relieved when Asher started screaming because she was poking needles into his thighs. The conversation was a thousand times more painful than vaccinations. I know this because Asher only screamed for about three minutes but I continued hating and seething about the Lactation Lady for several more hours. I am maybe still hating her a little bit right now even! Ha!

Anyway.

Height: 26.5 inches (50%)
Weight: 17 pounds, 13 ounces (50%)
Amount I am annoyed with the entire medical profession: GRRRRRRRR.

Comments

[Catherine]

Holy shoot. I've met some weird lactation consultants in my time, and some helpful ones (though once the third was born with tongue tie i just threw my hands up and decided i wasn't meant to breastfeed)....but that lady takes the cake.

Now i want french fries. Mmm...lardy.

[heather]

good for you for ignoring her and the books. Babies go through growth spurts at 2, 4, 6 and 12 months old. So chances are GOOD that Asher is hungry! YOu'll know when he starts waking to wake, but until then- he's probably hungry.

They don't call 'em Nursing Nazi's for nothing.

[A'Dell]

Really? Fries are bad for you?

Hmm, that message has not been slammed into my head over the past few years my various media outlets.

However did I miss it?

[Diane]

We didn't get along too well with the folks at our first pediatric office, so we switched at age 3 weeks or so. The new office has been really helpful through a lot of trying times. I don't know if you've thought at all about (or even have the option of) making a switch, but I just wanted to say that not all pediatric offices are so judgmental.

And you've hit the nail right on the head about sleeping. Apparently babies develop at their own rate in everything, EXCEPT SLEEPING. If your baby isn't sleeping straight through the night by four months, clearly you're overfeeding him or spoiling him or teaching him that being rocked to sleep is the only way. It's absolutely ludicrous. One article I read compared it to crawling, in that babies have to learn it at their own pace when they're ready. So I thought, "Finally someone who knows what they're talking about." But then it went on to say that you have to teach them how to do it. I'm sorry, but when was the last time someone TAUGHT a baby to crawl? To pull up? It's enough to make a grown woman have a temper tantrum.

Maybe you should give the lactation consultant your crabby neighbor's phone number. Sounds like they'd get on quite well.

[Beret]

Oh yeah, I'm sure most people would think paying $92 an hour is *reasonable*. Bitch.

I'm glad you have a relaxed, confident attitude about your ability to know your own kid. I think every mother gets in that groove eventually and we learn to shake off unwanted criticsm.

When I turned 30 my resolution was to begin living NOT CARING at all what other people thought about me. It has been so freeing both as a mother and as a person. I call it living and parenting with no excuses. I just refuse to make excuses or explain my own ways of parenting my kids.

I'm glad to hear Asher is so healthy!

[Kim]

My nephew is seven months, and at his six month appointment, they told his mom the same thing. He was waking up several times a night to nurse (more for comfort, it seems) and she was obliging him, and by the end of the night he was in bed with her (my brother works nights) because she was too exhausted to keep going back and forth and it was just easier. So the doctor said - if he wants to eat, just give him water!

-insert eye roll here-

She finally did start giving him a bottle with cereal in it before bedtime, and another one if he wakes up, which he always does. It seems to be helping him stay asleep longer. But just like some people don't sleep, some babies don't. And it is a learning curve for the babies, but they have to be getting adequate sleep all around...

Also - my nephew prefers to eat to sleep rather than eat upon waking. (It totally just depends on when he's eaten and his naps, but still.) It bothers me the people who think this is a crime, that they should sleep-eat-play and that is the only way. Because seriously? Babies get hungry, and who wants to go to bed hungry? Not me!

Anyway. I am so glad Asher is doing wonderful. He seems like a delightful baby!!

[Suz]

There's obviously a flaw in her argument. Yes. I'll spend money on DVD's and TV's and whatnot, but I'm sure that they'll work or I can return them to the store. Will a lacatation consultant help my baby breastfeed? Maybe. Maybe not. Will she return my money (all $200.00) if she isn't able to help. Definately not.

[ls]

As the parent of an almost four year that did not sleep through the night until she was 33 months old, as long as you can handle it, keep giving him what he obviously needs. While I don't judge people that let babies cry itout, it was never an option for me. Now she sleeps a solid 11-12 hours every night. It just took a long time. The current isse of Mothering mag ahas a good article about our society's unrealistic expectaions for a baby's ability to sleep through the night and how hard it is on the baby and the parents.

[Kristine]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one ignoring things at the doctor's office. I got a similar "don't feed him" comment, but mine came from the doctor.

[Nohe 5]

You are so right that kids develop at their own pace. My Jack didn't start really walking until he was 19 months old. My doctor wanted to get an MRI, but I opted to talk to the folks at Early Intervention through the county and they gave me lots of great tips. Guess what? Within weeks he was walking up a storm.

That nurse better not look in my car or she might have a heart attack. I have a t.v., DVD player and the place is littered in french fries. :)

[Lisa]

First of all, Nohe 5 - you totally cracked me up with the car comment!!! How true! TV, DVD, french fries and fruit snacks can be found throughout my car. And with #3 on the way - I'll soon have milk stains on the back of my seats again from the baby whipping the bottle when they are done with it. A full course meal I'd say!

I'm sure we've all been in the situation you were in the other day at the pediatricians office. And I have a few questions about this...why do some people feel compelled to give out crappy ass advice in a nasty way? And why do we (as you mentioned you do the same thing too) feel compelled to be polite and not respond in the same manner as well as adding humor to try to help diffuse it. One of these days, I'm going to stop being nice and give the doctors/nurses/admins and who ever the hell wants to be crabby with me a full blown taste of my 31+ weeks of pregnancy hormones!! (Hey I've got an appointment this afternoon, maybe today will be the day I get to unleash on them!!)

[Lisa]

I have to agree with changing doctors if you find yourself not agreeing with the nursing staff and pediatrician. I'm sure there are plenty of peds in NoVa who have a parenting philosophy you can trust.

I don't know if it's a rule at our ped's office, or just encouraged, but the nurses don't give advice. And while I don't agree with everything our pediatrician says, I follow about 90% (which though I love my mother, it's probably more like 75% for her). Maybe it's time to start calling around.

As far as the lactation consultant...what a b$%#%^. Yeah, maybe in the grand scheme of things the consultant fee isn't that high, but when you're on maternity leave, and new to parenting, preparing for daycare or leaving your job, that $200 is EXPENSIVE! Plus it always ends with "and here's our Medela breast pump...".

Glad to know that Asher is doing so well. And BTW, one night time feeding at 6 months doesn't sound bad at all.

[Megan]

What a bitch! What the hell was she thinking? That everyone who skips lactation consultations runs out to Costco instead?

[Maureen]

Dude, my "latest" post (albeit days and days old) is about this sort of thing. I now rock Jack to sleep if he wants it, because I can stand at his crib for an hour trying to get him to go to sleep, or I can rock him for 5 minutes. Hmmm... tough decision. And I can stand there in the nighttime for an hour trying to get him to sleep or I can nurse him for 10 minutes. Followed by rocking! The horror! I mean, what are we THINKING rocking our babies? Who on earth would ROCK a BABY?

[Arwen]

Sleep seems to be the one issue on which everyone has a hard-and-fast opinion these days. I love Moxie's advice to just tell everyone who asks that your baby is sleeping great, and deal with the sleep issues on your own. (Not that I think you even have a sleep issue with Asher - Milla is the same age and weight as him and is still vigorously hungry at least once or twice every night. If you go looking, you'll find a significant number of doctors and experts who will back up your instincts on this. Babies, especially active ones like Asher is, can still get legitimately hungry in the night up to a year or older. There is no set end-date for night-hungriness.)

That lactation consultant, grrr. Unless you specifically told her otherwise, I'm guessing she thinks you're still nursing, and everyone knows that nursing mothers must eat nothing but sugar-free organic flaxseed whatever, in order to avoid contaminating their babies. (The pan of brownies currently baking in my oven is SO mocking me right now.)

I have only one complaint about this post. Where are the pictures?

[Amy H]

Man. That was a tough appointment. Sorry that you are so annoyed. And you are so right that every baby is different!

I know how you feel about listening to EVERYTHING your pediatrician said in the beginning and now kind of just picking and choosing what works for you. We are the same way, but didn't catch on to that until 9 months rather than 6. Starting at around 6 months Avery started getting ear infections. (yes! even though I am nursing! the thing lactation consultants told me I was protecting her against is happening like crazy around here!) Now that she has had 4 in 3 months, I am just going to take her to an ENT without my pediatrician's recommendation. screw it.

As for the sleeping thing...I really have to agree with the nurse. Yes, yes, yes, every baby is differnt. No doubt about it. Our doctor told us the same thing they tell everyone: from day 1 put her down drowsy, but not asleep, and she will learn to go to sleep on her own. WORKED. Then when she weighed 12 pounds they told us if she wakes up just to let her know we were there but no need to feed. It worked! It only took 2 or 3 nights for her to catch on. She didn't need to eat, she was just used to eating at night. She started sleeping 12 hours straight. She modified her own eating schedule during the day (I feed on demand) and it all worked out well.

I know every baby is different and Asher may really be hungry...but you might be surprised if you gave it a try. He might just be used to getting chow when he wakes up. Your the mama. You know best, so do what works best for you.

[NG]

I think SOMEone needs a basket of fries sent to her at the practice with a note thanking her for being such a non-judgmental, understanding, healthcare professional. I'll chip in.

[Superfantastic]

Even waffle fries? Because waffles are...wait, waffles are not healthy either, are they? Well there goes THAT argument.

[Shawnee]

I once casually mentioned to a nurse in my OB's office that when/if I had kids, I had absolutely no interest in breast-feeding. Thus began a 15-minute diatribe about how I would basically be raising a malnourished serial killer because I would be denying the baby of all of the positive benefits of breast-feeding. When she finally took a breath, I jumped in with, "Um, yeah, well, you know, it's not like I'm pregnant yet, or even trying for that matter, & also, while I understand that 'breast is best' & all that, isn't it as important to have a happy mother?" Which, in case you were wondering, the answer to that is a resounding NO, followed by another 10 minute lecture. All for a casual, off-the-cuff comment. Yikes.

[Shawnee]

Also, NO FRIES???? The woman is inhuman.

[Sasha]

Good for you for trusting your own instincts. My daughter's almost two, and I still let the judgy things my doctor says get to me. I'm glad you're doing what feels right for you.

The only thing that makes me feel better in those moments where I am totally doubting myself is to remember that she probably won't be doing these things in college. My daughter will not be going to frat parties with a binky in her mouth, and your son won't need a late-night nursing in his dorm room. I mean, I hope not.

When I think about things that way, it gives all these little bumps in the road perspective.

[Melissa Schober]

If you ever see that (completely annoying and inappropriate) lactation consultant again, I might remind her that $184 dollars is almost one week of work for someone on minimum wage -- 35 and 3/4 hrs at $5.15 p/hour.

[elise]

The medical profession:

UGH. All the time, ugh. Unless they are dealing with a real deal emergency, UGH!

[elise]

The medical profession:

UGH. All the time, ugh. Unless they are dealing with a real deal emergency, UGH!

[Megan]

Melissa - and that's just the *gross* total. Someone making minimum wage would have to work more than 40 hours just to see that bitch in her office.

Sorry for the harsh language, y'all - it just really steams me when people like this nurse make really mean comments like that.