Our OTHER evil neighbor

Contrary to popular opinion, Dave and I do not live in a retirement community. The best explanation I can give you is that our particular street houses some of the smallest townhouses in our neighborhood. We occupy a home in a row of two-level, three-bedroom townhouses, but the row of townhouses that faces ours across a parking lot is comprised of very small, split-level, two-bedroom homes.

Those homes are venerable widow magnets. (Apparently also heart attack magnets, but this is a more recent development—Saturday night during our much anticipated viewing of The Departed, an ambulance showed up and whisked away the woman who lives on the other side of Edna.)

The size is the biggest attraction, I believe. There aren’t a lot of stairs, they have walkout back patios, the front yards are postage stamp-sized, and therefore quite manageable. Of course, most of the widows have opted for the ease and simplicity of an entirely gravel-covered front yard, like Northern Virginia is the poor man’s Florida or something, but whatever.

Our row, on the other hand, is occupied by people in their 20s and 30s—young couples, for the most part. We let our dogs run around in the common-area backyard, we don’t always mow our lawns every week, we have parties and get-togethers and occasionally there is loud music or a rowdy outdoor poker game. But also, as a general rule, WE COULD CARE LESS WHERE ANYONE PARKS.

Dave and I had been living here for about six months when we decided we were bored with each other. We adopted Hambone, and when we brought him home from the shelter, one of the first people to come out and greet us and meet him was Edna. She would wave at us when she saw us walking him (she has a dog as well) and occasionally she would say hello or engage in small talk. I recall one particular sunny day she even ventured over to our house to offer unsolicited advice on our landscaping. (We opted for a rock-free yard, thankyouverymuch.)

In the fall of 2004, I was home sick one day. Dave wasn’t home and I was too weak to take Hambone for a walk in the evening, so I simply let him out the back door like we always did in the mornings. I couldn’t keep my eye on him from the couch, but he had never done anything except take a dump in the woods, wander around a bit in the backyard looking for something dead to roll on and return to the back door to be let in, so I thought very little of it.

That is, until I heard BLOODCURDLING screaming coming from the front. I jumped off the couch and opened the front door, and there was Hambone: sitting patiently on our front lawn. Alone. The screaming was so loud that other neighbors were coming out of their homes to see what was going on. I honestly had no idea it had to do with Hambone—there was no one else around.

I called him and he came in. About thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door and I opened it to find an Animal Control officer standing there. She told me that there had been a complaint about my dog being off-leash. She couldn’t ticket me because she hadn’t seen it, but could I please show her the offending dog? I turned around and gestured to Hambone, who was lying on the couch, dozing. He hadn’t even bothered to get up or growl or give us any indication that he knew a stranger was at the door. Back then he really sucked as a guard dog.

“That dog?” she asked me, incredulously. “That’s him?” I don’t know what she was expecting, but I’m pretty sure it was not Hambone, who is nothing if not the definition of meek. She ended up giving me a warning and telling me that Edna had called and said that Hambone had tried to attack her dog. I admitted that we had let Hambone into the backyard sans leash—and that I was aware that was illegal. The Animal Control officer assured me that if I managed to keep him in the backyard, that it wasn’t a big deal. She wrote me a warning.

And here’s the thing: I give you this entire backstory to be honest. As much as I realize that Hambone is usually a friendly, wonderful dog, I also realize that it was wrong of him to be out front alone without a leash on. I take full responsibility for that. And because I didn’t witness anything, I don’t honestly know if Hambone tried to attack another dog. Seeing as how Edna does not let her dog associate with any other animal, my guess is that Hambone tried to play with him and her dog got aggressive, which led to Hambone getting aggressive in defense. But no one was injured.

I called Dave crying and he came home immediately. We suspected it was an overreaction on Edna’s part, but Dave decided to go over to her house anyway and apologize and let her know we were sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again. The Animal Control officer was still parked outside in our parking lot when Dave left.

I know, right now you’re totally siding with her, aren’t you? You’re thinking WE’RE the irresponsible idiots with the problem, not her. She acted the only way she knew how!

But Dave and I really are nice people who don’t want any trouble. We sincerely WANT to get along with our neighbors. So Dave went over and knocked on her door and she answered it, and then while he tried to apologize? SHE JUST STARTED SCREAMING AT HIM. At the very top of her lungs. For trespassing. And being on her property (typical old lady complaint), even though she had opened the door to talk to him. He tried to calm her down and explain that he was really sorry, but he also just wanted to try and take care of things like this without always involving the authorities, you know, because we’re NEIGHBORS and we have to live near each other, and shouldn’t we try to be civil? And that’s when she really lost it and started waving her arms around and screaming for the Animal Control officer to come and arrest Dave because he was harassing her.

And that’s when he gave up and came back home.

And Edna has never spoken to us again.

A year or so later, our friends got a puppy and Edna’s dog bit it in the face and drew blood. Which makes me believe that her dog got aggressive with Hambone in the first place.

That was a really long story, I’m sorry. There are even more awful things I could tell you about, but someone is taking a big stinky dump and it looks like I’m the only one around who can clean it up. Where exactly IS Hambone when you need him?

Comments

[One Smart Cookie]

Maybe these crazies need to realize that they might not have heart attacks if they didn't spend so much time being evil and mean. I mean, the correlation of arhythmia to asshole seems to speak for itself here, doesn't it?

[Hope]

You should have called animal control on that old biddy for letting her dog bite a puppy in the face!

[aPRIL w]

Wow, sounds like Edna had her Depends ride up her hoo-hoo that day. What a geriatric biatch.

[Chelle]

Sounds like Edna has a loose nut. Or, she's just really lonely and has forgotten how to socialize. Nah, loose nut, all the way.

[Anna]

Oh my God, I totally love your writing style. I'm so sorry you have such icky neighbors. The icky poo, on the other hand is here to stay, at least until toilet training. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying your son. I can't belive ours will be a year old in 2 weeks! Have a wonderful day!

[Mike]

After all of that, you really must have Dave deliver the flaming bag of dog poo to the doorstep of the neighborhood dowager. I'd go with random poo though in case your Animal Control has a CSI Division.

If she lives in one of those single little places that's not attached to another unit, and if they are made of wood-frame construction, I can tell you how to make her whole house shake so she thinks there is an earthquake in VA.

[Robbi]

Geez, what an old biddy! I have crappy neighbors as well, however they are my age. They're just assholes.
Also, I watched The Departed this weekend too!! Great movie!

[The Mom]

You know, after your last post I thought to myself, "Geez, do they live in a retirement community?" Ha! When we lived in a townhouse we had jerky neighbors too. Some good ones, but some were just grumpy asses, and they weren't even geriatric! Now we just have nice (albeit a little nosey) neighbors. Except for one who does hate us because her son pet our cat AFTER he hissed at him and got scratched (um, hello??), but she's a few houses down so thankfully we can just avoid each other.

[my life is brilliant]

I was totally wondering if you live in a retirement community. lol

I LOVE Mike's suggestion. I think Edna's got it coming. And I definitely agree with One Smart Cookie -- worrying that much over such little things canNOT be good for your heart.

Ugh! What is it with old ladies and unnecessary drama?!

[Erin]

Sounds like you have some really ... fun neighbors. And I thought my neighbor was odd because he wears what appears to be a lampshade on his head while mowing the lawn. (He's from Laos and its a hat, it just looks like a lampshade). At least my neighbors are nice!

[MrsMarcos2003]

Where is Hambone when you need him? Out harassing sweet old ladies and their fragile pups! I'm certain Hambone is part of a roving gang of beasts that live to harm the elderly!

If only you could train Hambone to pooh in her yard in the middle of the night when she's sleeping!

[Lissa]

Wow, it's like Melrose Place only with walkers and without all the sex.

[Amy H]

The part of your story where you say that we are probably totally siding with Edna? Not true. I thought it was an over-reaction on her part all along. You were SICK. There are execptions to every rule. Maybe she should have knocked on your door first to find out what was going on.
jerk.

[Liz]

What a bitch. Why do people have to fly off the handle before trying to work things out?

We have mostly awesome neighbors who wouldn't mind if we wanted to sit naked in the driveway every Saturday night.

[Beret]

Did you love The Departed? **spoiler ahead**

I was so upset that it looked like you-know-who was going to get away with you-know-what...then that final scene. So satisfying!

As for Edna..as my ex-boyfriend used to say about crotchety old people "shouldn't they be trying a little harder to get into heaven?"

[Meepers]

Wow. Edna makes me happy that we're living in more or less a construction zone. I don't know most of our neighbors ....unless...(and this is telling) they have PETS. In which case we're all friendly with each other.

[Jenny]

Granted, I get pissed off too when there are loose dogs in the neighborhood, but especially when I know it is my neighbor's dog, I would never call animal control and I certainly would start acting like a banshee if they came to apologize! She really is a kook!

[Susan]

It is,of course, nice when you can get along with your neighbors. Sorry about Edna and that other nut. However, your stories make me laugh so hard and I wanted to say thank you. And if we were neighbors I think us and our kids and puppies would get along very nicely. Growing up we had good neighbors ( we did have one nutty lady. she hired me and my friend to rake her leaves. i raked almost the entire lawn and then had to go. when i went back with my friend to get our money, she told me she didn't know why she was paying me because i didn't do anything. i was so offended) but for the most part we've been very lucky.

[Kristin]

Oh. My. God. I'm so impressed that you haven't moved. or set her house on fire. what is it about old nosy neighbors who think they can do whatever they want? when I first moved in with my husband, he lived in an apartment complex that was the last stop before the nursing home. the old lady above us confronted me once about eric "abusing our dog." he was teaching faustus to walk on a leash.
she also managed to get in a jab about my saved place in hell for cohabiting before marriage.
I wonder how old you are when you realize you can get away with anything using the excuse that you're a crazy old bat.

[Nohe 5]

This post totally cracked me up. What is up with your neighbors. What is going on in your end of the county?

[Diane]

Man, you beat all my crazy neighbor stories by a mile. A few years back, we were living in an apartment complex on the second floor. Our neighbor called in a complaint about us because we made too much noise when we shut our door in the afternoons, and she was a "day-sleeper." Those were her words. She wanted us to be sure to shut our door very very quietly so as not to disturb her.

It was obnoxious for so many reasons. First of all, why didn't she just knock on our door instead of REPORTING US to the office. (They were very nice about it, actually, and thought the woman was a bit crazy and assured us that we hadn't really done anything wrong.) The thing that really irked me about it was that the woman had two teenage sons who would thunder up and down the stairs at all hours and slam HER front door.

But yeah, we were the loud ones.

[Dana]

Um yeah, she's just crazy. Nothing like creating drama when she's got nothing going on in her life.

[Mandi]

And that, my friend, is why old people need hobbies.... (Ancient people need to be reminded of this sometimes, I think.)

[April S]

haha, flaming poo, GREAT idea!!!

and seriously, stories like this make me glad I rent and can make the landlord deal with the crazies...

[Jamie]

Well as my 93-year old grandmother (who never yells at anyone for "trespassing on her property" would say...

"That Edna character sounds like a real piece 'a work."