This post quickly deteriorates into a discussion of car pranks. Consider yourself warned.

Before I begin today’s tirade on My Neighborhood and the Hateful, Nasty Widows Who Make It a Very Unhappy Place, I would like to let you know that I think I am dying. I suppose if you twisted my arm — and I’m talking about you twisting it REALLY REALLY HARD and maybe even giving me an Indian burn (Remember Indian burns? I am thinking they must be considered politically incorrect these days) — then I would possibly maybe admit that there is a very, VERY slight possibility that I am exaggerating.

Although SERIOUSLY. Why did no one tell me that my body would begin deteriorating rapidly the moment I turned 29? Let this be a lesson to you, 28 year olds! Enjoy the few healthy moments you have left! If I wake up tomorrow and my head has rotted off my body and rolled onto the bedroom floor I will not be the least bit surprised.

And while I am certainly not enjoying my two infected big toes and what I suspect could be the formation of a bunion (GROSS) and some generalized leg discomfort where I have never had leg discomfort before, I am really REALLY not having a good time with my left wrist, which is so painful that it is difficult to pick Asher up out of his crib or carry the infant seat or wash my hair or TURN DOORKNOBS. Yes, it is that painful. Yes, all of the time. I am actually going to seek professional medical advice this week although I am Dreading (yes, Dreading with a capital D) getting on the scale. Although if my head fell off like I expect it to? I’d be down what… ten or 15 pounds at least.

Anyways. So the last two weeks were busy: Dave made his annual pilgrimage to Vegas for a work conference (this time I didn’t call him while he was at the baggage claim and hysterically announce that I was pregnant) and my friend Angie came up to visit from Atlanta and I also took Asher on a four-hour-round-trip car trip to visit some family who were accompanying my cousin on a visit to a prospective Virginia college. So that was exhausting enough, but then throw in the fact that darling little Asher? The one with the chubby cheeks and the easy smile and the slobber all over his face? IS STILL NOT SLEEPING WELL.

Then last Thursday night, in the midst of all the craziness that is a husband who just got back from out of town and is on some kind of crazy West Coast time and a guest who is visiting from out of town and a baby who has disregarded his regular feeding and sleeping schedule and has made some sort of pact with the devil to NEVER RETURN TO IT AGAIN, I hosted my book club. I had assured the members through email that a) it was easy to get to my townhouse, and b) that they could park anywhere in our parking lot since we don’t have assigned parking spaces.

Except that when one of my friends tried to leave, she found she couldn’t, because someone had blocked her in by parking behind her. So I sent Dave out to rectify the situation since I was still entertaining the rest of the group with my witty banter and frozen hors d’oeuvres. Dave immediately recognized the car, and then saw the woman who owned it go into another woman’s townhouse. A townhouse that happened to be directly in front of the parking space in question.

And then? When Dave and my friend knocked on the door to get her to come out and move it so she could drive home? SHE REFUSED TO COME TO THE DOOR. She also refused to answer the phone when they called to ask her what the hell was going on. Which meant that they had to ask an elderly lady who was parked next to my friend to move her car so they could try to squeeze my friend’s car out to the side. An elderly lady WHO HAD A HEART ATTACK A FEW WEEKS AGO. Who didn’t need to be bothered, but had to be. And they managed to get the car out fine and my friend was able to go home.

That was the end of our direct involvement with the situation, but I have since learned from a neighborhood source that the woman who parked behind my friend did it simply because that was the parking space that she likes to park in. Not the parking space that is ASSIGNED TO HER. Nope! Just the one she likes. So she left her car there and refused to move it so that she could really get her point across.

We are LIVID with the situation. I have not yet spoken to her about it because I am really poor at communicating my thoughts when I’m angry and out of sorts. I don’t want to call her names or punch her and that is always what happens to Dave when I get angry at him. Dave would never sue me for that kind of behavior but I have no doubt that this woman would. And not just because she’s the president of the neighborhood homeowner’s association. (Figures, right?) Also, I doubt she would be really open to talking to me about it since I now know that when another neighbor tried to confront her about it, she slammed the door in their face. So friendly! So open!

I don’t really want to be mean and nasty, but I also don’t want to be some kind of neighborhood doormat who is going to let this incident slide. She had no right to claim a parking space, but worse, she had no right to block someone in and then refuse to move it. If my friend hadn’t had to leave right then, we would have definitely called a tow truck.

Other incensed neighbors have suggested that I park my car in that space every day. Or that perhaps I should photocopy the page in our neighborhood handbook that states that there are no assigned or reserved parking spaces, highlight it and stick it on every door in the neighborhood. I don’t know, surely someone out there has a better, more creative idea? I thought about the old gobs of Vaseline under the door handle trick, but I know I couldn’t go through with it.

The truth is no matter what you suggest I probably won’t go through with it, but it sure as hell would be a good laugh. Also, I am SO MUCH MORE MATURE THAN THAT. (Not too mature for mooning people, though. Mooning? Mooning NEVER GETS OLD.)

I’ll tell you my own personal favorite car pranks:

Pour birdseed on top of a freshly washed car. It will entice feathered friends to stop for a meal and before you know it, all the birdseed will be replaced with fresh bird crap. Delicious!

The old car-flouring trick — pour two bags of flour all over the car. You can’t wash it because it turns into paste. Instead, you just have to drive until it all blows off. Trust me, IT TAKES A WHILE. Not that it happened to me or anything.

Of course, nothing beats making a copy of someone’s car key, following them wherever they go and then moving their car to an entirely different area of the parking lot. In college, we did this to a roommate’s boyfriend and it was the joke that never got old. He actually thought he was going crazy, and then when he figured out someone was doing it, he begged his parents for the money to change the locks on his car.

So anyway. I’m off to change the poopy diaper of a child whose naps are ridiculously short these days. Your turn.

Comments

[Amy H]

OMG! The nerve of that woman! I would totally park your car in that space. And then if she is a jerk again and tries to block you in...tow it. I am mad just reading this post. I don't even know you...or her...but it makes me furious that people think they are entitled like that. I would also put a copy of the page that says no assigned parking (ahem, madam president!) on her door. grrrr.

(why does this make me so mad?)

[anniem]

Oh my. I just blogged about the anti-sleep thing minutes ago. My little girl is just a few weeks older than Asher and we are going throught Hell with her napping. I am at my wits end and am so tired of the over-tired screaming baby. I wish I could give you advice, but I got nothin'. At least I know someone else can relate.

[Mandi]

Not that it's an awesome (or fun) idea, but the police could surely handle a situation like that. She'd have no choice with the cops knocking on her door. And then call her a name. Ohhhh, I'd be sooo mad, too.

[Mandi]

Oh, and not to beat a dead horse or whatever that expression is, but "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" is still a good book for the sleep issues...

[Melissa]

Wow, how rude that woman was.

Writing important messages on a car with bright stay-put lipstick can be fun too. Not that I've ever done it (twice).

Poor Asher. I hope he gets back on a good sleep schedule soon.

[Melissa]

Also, another thing I CERTAINLY haven't done is "honey" someone's car door handles. Much sticker and harder to get off than Vaseline. Especially if the idiot parked it on the street and left his windows down so that the steering wheel was accessible too. :)

[Hope]

I can't imagine the NERVE of that woman! I think that you should go to the next homeowner's association meeting and lodge a complaint about her. I bet that she would LOVE to chair that meeting. :p

I would definitely park in her spot and then have her towed every. single. time. that she tried to block you in.

I can't think of any good car pranks. I can think of destructive things (keying her doors, putting lunch meat on her hood (it strips the paint), sticking a potato in her exhaust pipe). But, you probably don't want to do anything to get the cops called on you. And smashing her windows isn't all that funny.

She sounds mentally unhinged.

[Amanda]

The first thing I'd do would be to block HER in the next time she parks in that spot. When she comes to your door, answer it and give her a piece of your mind.

Dave and I triple pinky swore that we'd never EVER EVER EVER EVER live anywhere with a neighborhood association ever again. High fences make good neighbors.

And that EXACT same thing happened to my left wrist after genoa was born. Just at the point where I thought my arm was going to fall off, it magically got better on its own. Is he big enough yet to sit on your hip when you carry him? That might've been my poor wrist's turning point.

[Katie]

My baby's upstairs not napping too!

Well, tonight, I would order pizza and give her address. Then tomorrow, have chinese delivered to her house. You can give her name and address. It would be really fun to watch her at the door. But I guess I would feel a little bit sad for the delivery guys and the small business. So order the pizza from dominos!! ;-)

[Maureen]

You and Dave should buy another car, park it in that spot, and never ever move it.

[One Smart Cookie]

It must be Asshole Neighbor Week or something because I just wrote today about how pissed off I am at my neighbors. They also don't know how to park (their sins include allowing their friends to PARK ON THE FRONT LAWN).

I also feel your pain regarding how to deal with it. I mean, it could be worse, and I don't want to make it worse by raising a stink. But I also don't want them to think that it is acceptable to park on the front lawn. Because that is not. ever. acceptable.

So, because I am a wuss, here is what I think about doing, but would never actually do in real life:

-When it gets cold, pour water on their front steps/walkway. Water becomes ice. Bet they can't park obnoxiously with broken legs.

-Something that kills plants (I bet bleach would work) in the flower garden.

-Before we re-did the fence between our backyards, their skeezy friends used to hang out on what was clearly our property. Sadly, Matt refused to moon them.

-Fake parking tickets. Need I say more?

Unfortunately, I won't get up the guts to do anything more than possibly having a polite conversation with them - and I may even wuss out on that. So, unless they suddenly become rational, sane human beings, I have to settle for pulling pranks in my imagination.

[Jen]

It would be perfectly acceptable to punch that woman in the ovaries. Really. I dont care how old you are, there is no reason to be so rude.
Also, you think 29 is bad? Wait til you turn 30. Really.

[Suki]

Pam cooking spray. I know it sounds silly, but if you spray someone's door handles, they will have a heck of a time. And if you spray someone's windshield, they will have to wash the whole thing. Several, several times. Another idea: I got my husband this note pad for Christmas that lets you write your own parking tickets. Maybe a "ticket" on her windshield every day would get her notice. And if that doesn't work, you could print her ticket on adhesive paper and stick it to her windshield (like the police do with repeat offenders)- she will be scraping for hours. Oh, and since I am really mean: park your car in her spot, wait for her to block you in. Have a sudden "emergency" (Asher "bumped his head" your mom desparately needs you, your house is about to explode from gas fumes)and then run to her house, bang and scream on the door, shouting about how it is an emergency and you need to get out. Keep at it. Even if it embarasses you, it will embarass her more. In fact, it's better if the neighbors notice. Then bring it up at the next board meeting as a safety concern:) You can tell I live in DC and have gotten plenty hot over parking spaces. Oh yeah, my husband and I have totally called the cops over people parking illegally too:)

[Midwest Texan]

I've been reading your blog for awhile, but have never commented (sorry!), but this post finally compelled me to comment!

I get so angry about people that do stupid, rude things with their cars - especially when they do passive aggressive things like this woman did by parking behind your friend!

I really like your idea about highlighting the relevant section in the homeowners's guide and posting it on everyone's door - doesn't hurt anyone, but gets and point across. Pam sprayed on the windshield would work too!

And if you're anything like me, you won't feel better and have this off your mind unti you do something about it!

[Natalee]

Why does what this woman did personally anger me?

You simply *must* retaliate in some fashion, just so I can feel better.

[hannah]

I would never, ever, ever, insert a straw into someone's car window so that I could spit some milk into the backseat of their car. And certainly never then laugh maniacally when I heard from friends that they kept driving around going crazy trying to place the source of the smell.

[Today Wendy]

Definitely go see a doctor about that wrist. My baby's a month younger than Asher (and I've been reading your website avidly for almost a year now to find out what I'm in for next!) and I had nasty wrist pain around Christmas. Turns out that de Quervain's tendonitis http://www.assh.org/Content/NavigationMenu/PatientsPublic/HandConditions/deQuervainsTendonitis/deQuervain_s_Tendon.htm
is pretty common in new moms. I was putting too much strain on my thumb every time I picked Elli up, but it was my wrist that was hurting. It'll heal up pretty quick if you don't strain it anymore, but apparently you can wind up needing surgery if you don't deal with it.

Asher's such a cutie :) I'm practically rolling on the floor over your various plans for dealing with that neighbour!

[April W]

Marbles + Exhaust pipe = hilarity! She will spend a fortune getting the noise checked out and muffler replaced. Then when you see a new muffler - do it again!

OR, siphon her gas out of her car to barely anything :) Aggrivation for her and free gas for you! But, then again, it's stealing.

[April W]

Wait, I've got one more:

Get a stash of large rocks. Put one occasionally behind one of her tires so she can't get out of her spot when she backs up. Do this on RAINY days!

[Christie]

Definitely park your car in the space as often as possible--or better...park a bicycle in it! Do you have any orange cones? You could place one in the middle of the parking space with a sign that says "reserved". Or "fork" her yard with hundreds of plastic forks! There's a service you can pay to place hideous plastic flamingoes in someone's yard anonymously. I've always wanted to try that one myself...

Age 29 is absolutely not too old to misbehave!

Love,
your 28 and 9 months old friend :-)

[Jennifer]

Okay,
This is probably a federal offense and not car-related, but it's something I've always wanted to do to someone. Pull out as many of those free subscription cards and order cards from magazines that you can and fill them out with her name and address, mail them in. She will start getting a huge amount of magazines (oh, and those crazy knick knacky things like a Ronald McDonald cookie jar or plate with a cardinal on it) and it will be a huge pain in the ass for her to cancel everything or send it back.
Jennifer

[A'Dell]

What an immature and ridiculous lady to block in that car like that!

I would entice her to do it again, then have the car towed.

Perfectly legal for you to do. Perfectly annoying for her.

And take pictures.

[Kate]

My daughter is about to turn six months. When she hit the four month sleep regression (a couple weeks early, of course), I was all, okay, I knew this was coming, we're ready for it. And then it lasted FOREVER. Well, clearly not forever since she's only six months, but it was a lot longer than I expected, maybe six weeks. The quality of her sleep seems like it changed and it's not going back -- not that she's still waking up a bunch of times at night, but that it's just easier in general for her to be woken up. It was so sudden that she stopped sleeping well and coming out of the crappy part has been such a gradual process, but it's definitely better now. Hang in there.

Re: the neighbor, perhaps let her somehow share in the night wakings? Not car-related, but it still seems like some kind of poetic justice.

[paisley]

Like Kate, we had the four month sleep regression. I read about it. It lasted a few weeks and drove me NUTS! O would wake up EVERY HOUR at night for almost a month and then one night...it stopped.

STRANGE.

She doesn't nap well, either, but I read if they get a good amount at night then they don't need as much during the day.

I hate your neighbor. This is already too long, but I have an awesome parking lot story, too. Long story short - we towed her. She refused to come out, too. Weirdos.

[umm anon for this oen]

I did the little card thing. It drove her insane! I did it because a woman was calling my house every morning as soon as she got to her office. This was a looong time ago though.
I like the idea of parking in her spot every day and having her car towed.