Am I really posting again so soon?

Dear Lord but you people are inventive! Where were you in high school, when I was at the pinnacle of my pranking career? A strawful of milk in the backseat? Pam cooking spray all over the windshield? Marbles in the exhaust pipe? A can of tuna in the air vents?

A TAMPON BOMB?

Actually, I’m not shocked or horrified so much as I am just plain giddy. From the endless retaliation possibilities!

But perhaps my favorite suggestion came from One Smart Cookie: “When it gets cold, pour water on their front steps/walkway. Water becomes ice. Bet they can't park obnoxiously with broken legs.”

Hee! Parking with broken legs! I almost wet myself over that one. One Smart Cookie was the only one of you who suggested bodily harm. Well, except for Jen, who simply suggested a good punch to the ovaries. Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly where to try to land an Ovary Punch. Exactly how low do I aim?

Also? It seems that you, dear readers, are collectively responsible for millions of dollars’ worth of auto repairs each and every month.

I haven’t yet decided what I’m going to do. I know that I will definitely be writing a letter to the board about the incident. Beyond that, I’m still thinking. My anger is definitely waning, but I think that’s a good thing. I don’t want to do anything to her out of anger, really. Actually, I would prefer to wait another week or two and be irritatingly snarky instead. I’m thinking along the lines of launching several ongoing smaller pranks instead of just one.

The good thing is that at least there are several witnesses who can back me up if needed: Dave, my friend, and the woman who moved her car so my friend could get hers out. Of course, when it happened, the perp took cover in another neighbor’s house, so technically I suppose that neighbor is a witness as well, but I would bet you TEN MILLION BAJILLION dollars that she would deny everything because that particular neighbor already hates us. (She had called Animal Control on Hambone twice for nothing more than barking at her dog, and when Dave went to her house to suggest that maybe we try to handle this situation ourselves instead of overreacting and calling the authorities, she went berserk and started screaming at him to get off her property, that he was TRESPASSING! TRESSSSSSSSPASSING! We haven’t spoken to her since.)

Our neighborhood is packed to capacity with idiots. And don’t even get me started on the renters who live next door who have a houseful of illegal reptiles as pets. I keep thinking one lousy hole between these two houses and Asher is somebody’s lunch. And that somebody is probably an enormous slithery python.

And just for the record, I would definitely draw the line at letting a python eat my nap-fearing, night-waking child. A grizzly bear or a pack of rabid squirrels? Not so sure.

Actually, the night wakings aren’t so bad. They’re frustrating, but not horrible. He wakes anywhere from one to five times a night, but each time it takes no more than five minutes to settle him back to sleep and get myself back in bed. The frustrating part is wondering if I’m the one who has trained him to need me to get back to sleep. I don’t know if that’s true or if he’s still going through the four-month regression or if he’s teething or if he’s just lonely in the middle of the night. I do know I could lie there and let him cry as our pediatrician suggested, but when it progresses to crying its nearly impossible to get him back to sleep without giving him a bottle to settle him down, and the last thing I want is to get him back in the habit of waking up to eat in the middle of the night since he hasn’t done that for probably two entire months. And while keeping him up longer during the day used to work when he was younger, that plan backfires like nobody’s business these days. The more sleep he gets during the day, the better he sleeps at night.

Last Wednesday, while Dave was out of town and my friend Angie was visiting, Asher had a pretty crappy nap day. He hammed it up for his photo shoot, but then was so overtired that he screamed nonstop for about an hour and a half. And then our night went just like this:

7pm: Bedtime.

8pm: Asher wakes up.

8:30pm: Asher wakes up.

9pm: Asher wakes up.

9:30pm: Asher wakes up.

10pm: Asher wakes up.

2:30am: Asher wakes up.

5:00am: Asher wakes up.

5:30am: Asher wakes up. Emily does not respond promptly. Asher cries. A lot.

5:45am: Bottle.

6:00am: Asher down to sleep. Emily back to bed. Strange sounds on the monitor.

6:15am: Emily investigates monitor noise. Asher is taking very timely gigantic poop.

6:15am: Change diaper. Asher now fully awake and very adamant about not going back to sleep. Decide to play a little.

6:45am: Start settling Asher back to sleep.

7:00am: Asher finally asleep in crib. Emily very relieved. Emily back to bed.

7:15am: Dave arrives home from Vegas on red-eye, approximately 11 hours earlier than expected. Dave thinks Asher is just about to wake up for the day and picks him up out of his crib. Asher wakes up.

7:45-9am: HORRIBLE, EAR-SPLITTING, OVERTIRED, SERIOUSLY SOMEONE IS PROBABLY CALLING CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES SCREAMING. Possible end of marriage. Stay tuned.

Sigh. Oh, the truth is that I couldn’t stay mad at either of them. Dave came home early and picked up his baby because he missed him. He’s devoted to his family and I love that.

Asher, meanwhile, is only devoted to his new hat.
   

And Hambone? He’ll be happy to take all of Asher’s naps, thankyouverymuch.

Comments

[my life is brilliant]

I'm looking forward to hearing about all your little pranks. I think you should take pictures -- and post them, of course -- whenever possible. I was a big fan of the spitting milk in the backseat one. I think that should be a part of the repertoire.

Man, does Dave have good timing! lol
Asher looks so cute in his little hat!

[robin]

OK, so Asher is very cute!

But, Hambone?

Adorable taking a nap with his little doggie stuffed animal!

[Lissa]

Asher is so cute! Seriously that hat is adorable.

[Beret]

Just a random suggestion about the night wakings and something that helped both my kids: the Fisher Price Aquarium. I purposely got both of my kids addicted to this thing and it was worth it.

You have to have it mounted at eye level in the crib (my son is now 2 so I have to tie it down there with a string...). Everytime you lay him down to sleep turn the aquarium on. It runs for about 5 minutes on it's own and then turns off. If you're lucky it will lull him to sleep with dreamy bubbles and songs (you have to have it on the bubbles AND music setting).

Turn it on at each night waking and soon he'll learn to hit the button himself. I hear William's (my son) aquarium go off anywhere from 1-5 times a night. He just hits it and drifts back off. My daughter was the same way. But you have to make sure and get rechargable batteries and a charger. Also have a spare set of regular batteries to switch out when you're charging the other ones. And then you have to buy a second back-up aquarium off eBay just in case something happens to the first one because you kid will NOT be able to sleep without it! (ok, maybe that's just me)

It might work, or it might not. Just an idea....

[Beret]

Oh, I also use a little fan in his room for white noise. He's used this since birth and it helps SO much. If I need to wake him out of a deep sleep I just turn the fan off and he pops right up.

[Natalee]

Well, at least one of your children is a good napper!

[Julie]

Hambone is the cutest thing ever (next to Asher, of course!) I love that he sleeps with his head up on the pillow. Too funny..

Thanks for keeping me entertained this week! I don't have any good car pranks to share, but man, some of your readers are very creative!

[One Smart Cookie]

Just for the record, I would never ACTUALLY attempt to break someone's legs. I mean, if I was going to do it to someone, it would be my neighbors, but I have not actually stooped that low yet.

Besides, it would probably break the old lady's (A couple - not married, in their early 30's - live their with HIS MOTHER. How awful is that?) HIP, not her LEG.

I did, um, maybe... kick the snow that they shoveled onto our walkway BACK onto their walkway though. Brave? No. Passive-aggressive? Yessss.

[annie]

1.) Your neighbors are nothing short of crazy. Enough said.

2.)My next step would have been to take a picture of hambone wearing the same hat. Then you could get one of those double frames and put it on top of your tv. But seriously, LOVE the hat. What a beautiful boy.

3.) I am now a disciple of the camp that good daytime sleep brings good night time sleep. Christopher, who NEVER would take a nap during the day, has FINALLY discovered the joys of napping and I'm in heaven. Yes, it has required that I put myself on house arrest for a few days to force him into the routine....but I think it's worth it. And so, I recommend to you once again that "healthy sleep happy baby" book. Seriously good stuff.

There was a car parked in my space when I got home today, and I thought of you as I reached for the bologna and pam cooking spray. :-)

[Kristin]

OMG that hate is wonderful! if it's any comfort to you, we tried the crying it out when Ryan was 4 months old. it lasted about three nights, at which point we realized that he obviously was not one of those kids who "just needs to learn to soothe himself." he just wasn't ready yet. however, we went back to crying it out two months later, when Ryan was six months, and he was sleeping through the night within a week. Good luck!

[Kristin]

um, I meant the hat. not the hate, as in the hate of the woman next door. although that's pretty wonderful, too.

[Jen]

I feel like a super star now, having been given an Honorable Mention.
Would the Uterus be a better target for you? Its bigger, and more centered.
Nah, you dont want to do that...she's old. Hide her cane or something.

ASHERS HAT IS SO ADORABLE.
And I love that Hambone is sleeping with a stuffed animal. Too cute!

[Suebob]

I am totally beside myself with people who get ticked off when someone parks in "their" space. I hear people at work having this discussion ALL the time and we probably have close to 1000 parking spaces, only about 10 of which are assigned.

[Superfantastic]

I once lived in a townhouse development in Northern Virginia with lots of snooty neighbors who hated my roommates and me for no apparent reason. So we decided we'd go ahead and give them one. We invited everyone we knew and everyone they knew to our Piss Off the Neighbors Party. Not that I am suggesting this to you, what with the baby and all, but it sure was cathartic for us. Cathartic, yet hangover-inducing.

[Katie]

Ok, I thought the people that wrote a mean note in sharpy markers and left it on our perfectly nice neighbor's truck because how DARE he park on THEIR side of the street for a few hours were bad. In the battle of the psycho neighbors, you win.

Asher's hat is adorable.

[Laura]

Wow- 10pm-2:30am? I'd kill for four hours straight.

According to a small side note in the Wonder Weeks, the "4 months sleep regression" (as Moxie calls it) really lasts until the END of the 26 week developmental spurt, because the 19 week spurt runs into the 26 week spurt with very little respite in between.

So...it may be a while.

Case in point, it's nearly 2pm and I'm still in my pajamas because when she goes down again, I'm crashing!

[Jenny]

That hat is too much! He looks adorable as always, definitely not like a little man that has been up and down all night!

[Jennifer]

Remember, all stages are temporary, and not matter how awful it is at the time, it will pass. I have a 2 year old, (an extemely active 2 year old) and I remind myself of that every day!