A lame photo post that includes references to, though no actual photos of, stretch marks

Somehow, over the weekend, Dave and I found ourselves in the true throes of baby preparation. I don’t really know how this happened. Part of me is beyond overjoyed that we’ve gotten the ball rolling because our home improvement projects always take 700 times longer than we anticipate they will, and then we get so bored of them that we just leave off the last few finishing touches in favor of a beer and a Tivo’d episode of America’s Funniest Videos. Hence the still unsealed tile grout in the entryway and the absence of baseboards in the kitchen and the giant, soccer ball-sized hole in the study wall from when Dave set up the house for wireless Internet (hole is currently hiding cleverly behind an IKEA bookcase, and that makes it even easier to forget about).

On the other hand, while I’m happy that we’re making a concentrated effort to get things done before I weigh 300 pounds and need assistance shaving my legs or putting my pants on, I’m kind of wondering if maybe we shouldn’t wait to get things started until after the ultrasound confirms that the baby does, in fact, have a head. Clearly the presence of arms and legs and vital organs will also be reassuring, but really, the development of a head seems to be kind of crucial.

But I guess it is truly too late. There’s no turning back now because we threw out all the receipts.

Things We Have Collected For The Baby Even Though It Will Be Cooking In There For At Least 23 More Weeks Possibly Without A Head

One Mother

Likes: Discovery Health Channel, hot dogs, newly purchased heating pad with convenient auto shut-off

Dislikes: Jennifer Love Hewitt, olives, Pantene hair products


One Father

Likes: poker, watering the lawn, leaving shoes strewn about the house

Dislikes: unloading the dishwasher, a wife who passes gas albeit accidentally, domestic beer


One Canine Companion

Likes: the backyard, chicken jerky treats, squirrels

Dislikes: children of all ages


One Crib-In-A-Box


One Mattress Made Out Of The World's Most Expensive Foam Which Is So Hard That Even The Dog Won't Try To Sleep On It


One Baby Carrier Backpack Bought At 50 Percent Discount For Husband Who Hates Idea Of Any Other Sissy Kind Of Baby Carrier


One Musical Stork That Leans Perilously To The Left


One Set Of Day of the Week Bibs To Match My Day Of The Week Underpants That Actually Probably No Longer Fit My Gigantic Butt


Assorted Books


One Bottle Scotch And One Pacifier To Be Used Together On Rough Nights (Acceptable For Parent Or Baby)


One Very Very Cute And Adorable Baby Record Book Collection, If You Want To Know Where I Got It Just Ask Because I Love Giving Them Business


One Set Of Burp Cloths Which We Will Need Thousands More Of If This Child Takes After Either Of Its Gassy Parents


One Plastic Puffy Edition Of "Who Loves Baby?" Starring Lori And Melissa Who Have Way Too Much Free Time On Their Hands Which Actually Has Turned Out To Be A Good Thing For Me

Many Many Stretch Mark Aids All Of Which Were Gifts, Do I Look Like The Kind Of Person Who Is Naturally Inclined To Develop Stretch Marks? THANKS FOR THINKING OF ME


One Bottle Which Was Free With Backpack Purchase


One Catalog


One Coach Diaper Bag Which I Bought In 2001 Not Knowing It Was A Diaper Bag Until I Got It Home And Pulled Out A Changing Pad And Then Figured Out That The Little Handy Pockets Inside Weren’t For My Cell Phone And Keys But Were For BOTTLES AND WIPES INSTEAD, GAH, I AM ONLY 23


Seriously, what else could we possibly need? The mattress came wrapped in a waterproof crib sheet, right? The next five months are going to be CAKE.

Mmmmm. Cake.

Comments

[Angela F]

I am so jealous of all of your baby loot! I need to get on the ball. Luckily my mom and mother-in-law have purchased every baby outfit out there, so we are covered in that area. No place for the baby to sleep, but damn, will he look good!

I would love to know where you got your baby book. I need one of those, too.

[Sheila]

Oh, no. You've got "Guess How Much I Love You." Any person with a heart can not read that book without weeping uncontrollably. Or is it just me?

The rest of your loot looks like great fun. There is something else, however, that you might find will come in handy. They're called diapers. Just a thought.

[Waldo]

Ohhhh, tempting fate with that cake comment. Oh, and where did Dave get that beer shirt?

[Christy]

I just went to the Reagan Bridgeen website. They have the cutest stuff! Great gift ideas. Word of advice about your baby book: Fill in as much as you can before the baby is born. Like if there's a family section or how you prepared, etc. I thought I'd have all the time in the world to do that after my baby was born. Yeah, right. He's 7 months old and not one word has been written in there. But the book is pretty! Maybe when he's in kindergarten, I can catch up.

[lissa]

I knew those photos were going to come back to haunt me!

[lori]

Ditto.

[ls]

want to know about baby book. post for all to see!

[Emily]

Bwa ha ha to Lori and Melissa!

The baby book is by Reagan Bridgeen and is FABULOUS. They have awesome products that are really high-quality for a reasonable price. Go there! Go now! And snap them all up!

www.reaganbridgeen.com

[lisa]

I am a total nerd who buys my friends books for their baby presents and sometimes for first birthday presents too. Looks like you have an excellent start there!

[meg]

I am so impressed you kept the bag all this time. And didn't just use it for regular stuff, or take it back. And that you could find it now, 5 years later. My husband often gives me grief for my...plentiful bag collection. I would have pulled it out with the postive preg. test and said "HA! Told you I'd use it someday!!"

[Jenn]

I LOVE the album…so much so in fact that I spent about an hour on their website looking at all their different products. V.V. cool!!!

[jes]

You should totally tell us where you got the baby record. We all love shameless advertising.

And, was that an ostrich on the cover? Oh. Nevermind. It enlarges. And that's most certainly NOT an ostrich.

[Nancy]

That's impressive. That babe could be born today and have the comforts of the boob, the bed and the books. (and Dave and Hambone too, they just didn't fit in with my alliterative fun).

I would just like to say for the record that that picture of you is my all-time favorite. The napkin bib, especially.

[QueenieCarly]

Really, you've got the Scotch. What more is there?

[Lisa]

Ha! Its only just begun. You will have 50 times that much in just a few short months. Those burp clothes however you will hate. Get the birdseye cloth diapers for burp rags since they are much thicker otherwise you wil have to welcome much puke on clothing you are wearing. For strtch mark cream that rocks try the stuff you can get at GNC called magia bella...I swear it works! Oh and CONGRATS!!! I am due the beginning of nov with number two!