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Monday, March 06, 2006



Ah yes...this is definitely on the top of my list of your stories. In fact, even knowing the story before reading it, I laughed so hard I cried. Oh Emily, only you. I certainly have no match for that, or any of your other stories (except for the ones that I am involved in...and there are some...most cannot be committed to writing, as it would make them truer than we might like to admit)!
Keep up the good work...glad this stuff happens to someone I know! Makes life a lot more interesting!


Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard I cried and maybe peed in my pants a little. I have my own story but I'm going to email it to you because I can't bring myself to tell the internet about it.


I was crying so hard I could barely read the last paragraph! Then I made my husband read it.

"Talking to Pedro"!!


Nothing But Bonfires

Oh my god, I think I was SHIVERING IN HUMILIATION for you while reading. Through half-closed eyes. Imagine if it had not been the chocolate! Imagine if it had been the poop!

I have a question though. Those chocolates look awfully small. Did you sleep on many of them to produce enough to chocolate goo to cake your entire lower half of your body?


Lord god almight, I have heard and read a lot of "most embarrassing stories" in my time, but that one BEATS ALL.


You are a brave girl to share that story. Because what if someone stopped reading before the end? Thanks for taking the chance. I gasped in horror. I laughed with relief. You're an excellent story-teller!


Oh god, that is too much! Very very funny (and phew, so relieved that it was the CHOCOLATE).

Yes, I have two stories that may not top your chocolate surprise, but were terribly horrifying. (1) Romantic week in Florence with DK (age 20). Develop UTI. Attempt to explain issue in my horrible Italian to a pharmacist in a small hill town in Tuscany. Did not communicate effectively. Given placebos which only managed to turn my pee a vivid, shocking, stain-the-toilet bowl blue. Lots of discomfort, spike high fever just as DK gets on plane back to the states. Travel back to Scotland via night train with other passengers who most likely suspect all is not well. Cry piteously into pillow. Get to Scotland, go to emergency room, get pumped full of drugs and wake to ten cute male medical students surrounding my bed. The doctor holds up a container of my VIVID shocking blue urine to discuss with them. I attempt to hide under the bed.

(2) Romantic week in Paris (age 25). Um, issue with regularity. Serious issue with regularity. Go to pharmacy to explain "constipation" in my middling French and come back with "digestive tea" and... an enema. I so embarrassed to even show DK, but it came out and I cried big horrified tears and was confused by the contraption and... DK ended up administering it, while patting me sympathetically on my sad upturned bottom.

There. I can never show my face around here again.


LOVE it.

(Sometimes I can think of better things to say ... but what else IS there to say? And there's NO WAY IN HECK I'm dishing on your site. If I were in the small group at the church retreat, I would have LIED.)


I too will email you my most humiliating story, for I am a total chicken and don't know if I could post it here. But I will share some words and a "not so bad but still really humiliating" thing. Last week while looking at very old homes with some friends, one of whom has a new man, a much younger, gorgeous man, that I didn't know. The bathroom door didn't lock so I posted my nine year old as lookout. The key words in this situation are: ditched post, gorgeous man with horrified look, mid-wipe, ackward avoidance, long ride home. My other not so bad moment happened when I was having a conversation with my 13 year old's history teacher, a serious conversation, and the door opened, a door I was way to close to, and it knocked me down flat on my ass in front of all the teenagers and teachers on the other side. But that's not the worst. It's the trying to pretend that nothing is wrong part that gets really embarrassing. Like it's a common thing for me to fall on my butt while conversing with teachers.
So not to bad, except the mid-wipe one. Actually most of my humiliation is smaller in scale than awaking on my honeymoon to the thought of "oops". It's just that there is a frequency to my moments that sort of frightens me.


Good Lord, Emily! I have a story which almost beats that, which I will email you since it happened to a friend and not to me. As far as you know...


i was asked to sing/lead "love me slender", that's right, like the elvis song.... in front of a room of very obese people.
for a convention of fat folks trying to lose weight.
i had to wear a cowboy hat
and a frilly vest. because the theme was "Hoe Down". Everyone was dressed up.
and again, i sang "love me slender".
but then, i hear and audible gasp from the audience....
and then i looked behind me, and there was the most GIANT picture of me at my highest weight, blown up to fit a very large screen in front of the entire group of people.
i'm still in therapy.
that's all i'm going to say about that.


That is the absolute best story I've read in a long time. I got a good long laugh even though it was at your expense.

I'm one who's not embarrassed easily so I don't know if the one story I have will qualify but I'll either e-mail it to you or put it up at the usual place. On second thought, DOOCE is supposed to be in Austin for SXSW so maybe I can go embarass myself infront of a famous blogger.


I hope you don't mind but I told your story at a bachelorette party tonight. She is scared of the honeymoon night and I told your story and said well hey as long as this doesn't happen to you I'm sure you will be okay. Umm... again hope you don't mind and if you do, I totally didn't tell your story! I would never!


I actually got a little green and pukey while reading this story! Each and every one of the eight times I've done it. I just can't believe it! And I made everyone I know read it because they HAD to know this story and I knew I wouldn't do it any justice telling it myself.


that is the second most hysterical thing I have ever heard happen to someone...the first was the time it, in almost freakish similarity to your event, happened to a friend of mine. We were on a Celebrity cruise, where they put little chocolates on your pillow every night. He fell asleep (more accurately, passed out) without removing the chocolate from his pillow. He also had to get up to releave himself in the middle of the night. He and his wife woke up the next morning to find him covered in brown stuff as well as the wall to the bathroom! I was hysterical as he told us the story! I just laughed so hard at your story that I think I peed a little too!
Thanks for sharing. I hope you and your husband have recovered enough to find the hilarity in the situation.


oh my god, i scared the crap out of my cat and fiance and probably neighbours, as well, when i burst out laughing halfway through this story.

thank you so much.


Oh, Emily. Wow. I was crying during that story because I was laughing so hard. I COULDN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED TO PEDRO IN YOUR SLEEP! AND THAT PEDRO DIDN'T WAKE YOU UP!!

But now, I am not so mortified, knowing that it was a chocolate. But, to make the kind of scene that you described, I am imagining quite a large chocolate, like a liquer-filled chocolate bunny.

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