OK, so last week I went BACK to the chiropractor for a follow-up appointment, despite the fact that during my first appointment I was nearly naked. Apparently my second appointment was for one distinct purpose: so he could go on and on about my abnormalities and show me my X-rays even though while he was talking I was lying face down with my top off on what looked like a reclining dentist's chair. I found the whole situation extremely strange, but it looked like he was having a good time. The weirdest part was that he never asked me to sit up and face him while he turned off all the lights and put my films up on the light box. No, he let me just lay there and strain my neck (I'll probably have to have it adjusted now, too) so I could see my grotesquely deformed body all lit up like a Christmas tree.
My spine is a MESS. I knew it was going to be bad when he pulled out this big fat chiropractic book with lots of words and very few pictures and opened it to a page he'd marked to show me a "Normal Spine." That's what he said. "Here's a picture of a normal spine." Now, when a doctor tells you to look at a picture of what is NORMAL right before he's about to show you your X-rays, which at this point you are certain are clearly far from even the RANGE of normal, you start sweating. Sweating from your EYES, even, which is sometimes called crying. Alright, so I wasn't crying just yet. Which is good, because later on he told me all about Things He Wouldn't Recommend I Do Anymore and even later, How Many Times I Would Need to Continue Visiting in Order to Guarantee a Cure and those things make your eyes want to sweat like a morbidly obese man in a sauna.
Anyways, so then he plops a big old X-ray of my back up on the screen and shows me a lovely photo of the scoliosis I discovered I had in 5th grade when we had screenings at school and all the people who were more than just a little off were sent from the first nurse to a second nurse where they were given a note to take home to their parents which would notify them of their children's misshapenness and their need for a better insurance plan. So that one didn't scare me so much, I mean, everyone has a little scolioliosis, right? I've lived 17 years without it overshadowing my life. I've never felt any real hatred towards scoliosis like the hatred I've felt, for instance, towards my thighs. And what was a little disappointing, to be honest, was that he made sure to point out in the photo that at least my hips were aligned correctly, which, if you remember, rules out the whole "leg length discrepancy" diagnosis that I came up with and which I had been so proud of up until that moment.
But then he puts up the DREADED SECOND X-RAY, which clearly he was saving for last because THIS is the X-ray that commits me into his evil chiropractic hands for the next umpteen weeks while he "fixes" me. Now, as you can see in the photo below, there is a "normal" spine (which clearly, I am not, see above) and then there is a spine with "lordosis," which is also called "swayback" in layman's terms and which is surely going to become my new nickname if word of my condition should ever get out to people like Conley, who has suffered more unpleasant nicknames than anyone in history ever has endured and who understandably would like to get nickname revenge on ANYONE HE CAN. But what I really want you to notice, and this is the BRIGHT SIDE of the fact that I am no longer supposed to run or sleep on my stomach or wear Adidas shoes, is how much LARGER the ass is on the man with lordosis.
FINALLY! A REASON and an EXPLANATION for why I have been living with junk in my trunk for so long! A whole HEAP of junk, to be exact! Seriously, I think I possibly even have an ENTIRE JUNKYARD DOWN THE BACK OF MY PANTS. LOOK AT THAT MAN'S ENORMOUS BUTTOCKS! (They even seem to droop a bit, which I must say is not EXACTLY my current condition, but gives me something to look forward to in the future.) Also, I have an excuse should I ever develop one of those unsightly "pooches" that occur in the lower abdominal area of many, many, oh TOO MANY women. I didn't think men got those pooches, but it is obvious that the man with LORDOSIS does!
So now, the only question left to answer is, "Where do I get pants to FIT this butt?" As far as I know, there is no Lordosis Boutique around here, but if you know of one, please email me ASAP.