Biography
1. My name is Emily.
2. I actually really like the name Emily. If it weren’t already mine, I’d be more than willing to christen the fruit of my loins with it.
3. When I was growing up, my nickname was Miss Piggy.
4. I have no lingering eating disorders as a result of that nickname.
5. My married name is much more complicated than my maiden name was, and I am thankful. It is much easier to weed out the telemarketers this way.
6. I will celebrate my third wedding anniversary in October 2006.
7. My wedding day was the best day of my life.
8. For some godforsaken reason, the DJ at our wedding played the song “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy. I felt like personally covering my grandparents’ ears. And all the people we invited from church. BUT I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH HANDS.
9. Despite the fact that the DJ was willing to play a raunchy Shaggy song, when I requested “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake, he told me that he “doesn’t usually play that song at weddings.” Mr. DJ, do you SEE ME WEARING THE WHITE DRESS? THE ONLY WHITE DRESS HERE? I AM THE BRIDE. I WANT TO HEAR WHITESNAKE.
10. The DJ played Whitesnake at my wedding.
11. During our honeymoon, Dave and I had an enormous fight over a moped key.
12. I tend to overreact during arguments, namely because I can’t argue worth a damn, so I pull out all the stops and just act irrationally. Then I cry.
13. I also cry at commercials.
14. I also cry during sitcoms.
15. I also cry at the end of animated movies. And sometimes in the middle.
16. I NEVER cry from physical pain.
17. I own the perfect dog.
18. I own a cat that hates my husband.
19. I also own a husband that hates my cat.
20. I love decorating and redecorating our house and moving our furniture around.
21. I love vacuuming.
22. One of the most romantic things Dave ever bought me was a yellow Dyson All-Floors Vacuum. I took the afternoon off work so I could be there to comfort it when it arrived from its long, arduous UPS journey.
23. The second most romantic thing was a chapter book we had both read in elementary school but couldn’t remember the name of. We had discussed it on one of our first dates in high school. He finally found it and bought it for me last year.
24. I could eat cheese for every meal for the rest of my life. The constipation would suck, but I think it would be worth it.
25. I would gladly avoid vegetables and fruits if I could.
26. One of my greatest accomplishments was the successful completion of a ten-mile race.
27. I only made it through the race because I wore a t-shirt with a catchy, self-deprecating slogan that made people want to cheer me on. That’s what kept me going. Because inside my shoes, my feet were bleeding.
28. The race pamphlet the next year featured a full-color photograph of me in the self-deprecating t-shirt.
29. I don’t really care much for movies. Eh.
30. Although I love Lindsay Lohan. Don’t you DARE try to tell me she’s using coke. She lost that weight the hard way, just like the rest of us.
31. I live less than 15 minutes from my parents.
32. I live less than 3 minutes from my in-laws.
33. I am ok with that.
34. I was born in West Virginia. In a hospital. They do have those there.
35. All of my relatives have all of their teeth.
36. Every time I leave the house, I worry that it will be burned to the ground when I come back.
37. Other than that, I have no big fears.
38. Although I do sometimes freak out while flying.
39. For about two years, I had regular dreams about plane crashes, no two of them the same.
40. Then I started watching Air Emergency on the National Geographic Channel, and I have been FREED from my plane crash prison.
41. I sometimes tell the same stories over and over again to the same people.
42. Especially ones that revolve around poop.
43. I have one brother. He got all the artistic ability in the family and can draw, paint, sculpt, sing, play instruments, build things and all with his eyes closed.
44. I can make these little thumbprint people. That’s… well, that’s about it.
45. I lived in Lake Tahoe for a summer.
46. I also studied in London for a semester.
47. I have never crammed as much fun into six months as I did while I was in London.
48. I haven’t gone back since. I can’t wait to experience it with my husband.
49. One night in London, I was desperate for a slice of pizza but only had enough money for the night bus home. So I kissed the pizza vendor for a free slice. I don’t regret it. That was GOOD PIZZA.
50. During the years 2002-2004, I went to 17 weddings.
51. Of those weddings, 14 required extensive travel.
52. Of those weddings, I bought bridesmaid dresses for six.
53. I am so glad my friends have moved on to having babies.
54. I don’t have very good hearing.
55. In college, my roommates would turn on the closed captioning when we were watching TV so that I wouldn’t ask “What did he say?” the whole fricking time the show was on.
56. I loved college. EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. Part of that has to do with the fact that I went to the best college in the world. Not ACADEMICALLY, of course. For "other" things. Like football. War Eagle!
57. I made the best friends a girl could ask for in college.
58. Sometimes I cry because I live so far away from them.
59. I dated a guy in college who kicked me out of a game of Chinese checkers because he said I wasn’t being “strategic enough.”
60. He also got into a big fight with one of my friends about gravity. Whatever he thought about gravity was totally wrong. It was definitely a sign. We broke up shortly thereafter.
61. My friends were so relieved.
62. Dave and I have known each other for almost 11 years.
63. We dated for a year in high school and then broke up.
64. Our first date was to T.G.I.Friday’s, where Dave told me all about how in third grade he wanted to learn to play the bassoon, but ended up with the oboe instead.
65. Both instruments are equally dorky. I was less than impressed.
66. I have no known allergies.
67. I played sports in high school.
68. I also won a Senior Superlative, although mine was not nearly as classy as my brother’s Best Dressed award.
69. Though there is something to be said for being Class Clown.
70. I currently work as an editor.
71. I enjoy what I do, for the most part.
72. I wish I was editing juicy gossip columns or the next best-selling novel.
73. I would also love to be a travel writer.
74. Some day I would like to have children.
75. But I don’t want to drive a minivan or an SUV. Bring on the ‘wagon! [Edited to add: SUV purchased approximate three months after this profile was written. So sue me.]
76. This list is getting harder and harder to write.
77. I have never gone skydiving. I don’t want to.
78. I did go paragliding in Switzerland. It was amazing.
79. If I could do it again, I’d rather not do it with a German guy strapped to my back.
80. I drove a convertible for seven years.
81. I sold it to a rather nice Goth girl about a year ago.
82. I miss it.
83. I am turning into my father.
84. We are both perfectionists who are anal-retentive to a fault.
85. I am also a lot like my mom. Like her, I’m sure when people talk to me on the phone, they turn the volume down. BECAUSE I SCREAM THROUGH THE EARPIECE UNKNOWINGLY.
86. I hate the phone.
87. I’d rather email you.
88. I took a typing test online and can type more than 80 words a minute.
89. I took typing in 9th grade, and to this day, I unconsciously type things while just sitting still.
90. I think hiking the entire Appalachian Trail would be fun. Dave laughed at me when I told him this and said I'd probably like it until day three.
91. I don’t cover public toilet seats with paper before sitting on them. Nor do I squat.
92. I’m not sorry about that. AND I’M NOT ASHAMED.
93. I do wash my hands though.
94. In the future, I hope to learn to cook decently.
95. I also hope to write a book.
96. I hope you’ll buy it.
97. I am so ready for this list to be OVER.
98. Oh look! It almost is!
99. I never go up to people I remember from my past because I don’t think I have a recognizable face and I’m sure I’ll make a fool out of myself.
100. I don’t floss.
